Saturday, August 6, 2011

I miss you buddy...

I haven't written on here in awhile. Partly b/c I am so busy, but at the same time I have been struggling with some stuff that I just didn't want to deal with. And if it is not in writing, then I am fine right?

Lately I have really been missing Jackson. Like really really missing him. My heart hurts just a little bit more than usual. I feel like as much as some people say they get it and say how sorry they are for our loss - their actions don't exactly point to that. I don't want to get into it b/c I don't want them to be hurt - how ironic is that. What they are doing and what has already been done has crushed me but I am worried about their feelings??

At the same time there are people who are there for me unconditionally and I know that they only have our best intentions at heart - and I should focus on that but it is hard.

For the past few nights I have been rocking Julia to sleep and I sing to her, and one of the songs I sing is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - and when I sing it I have tears running down my face b/c all I think about is Jackson. I hope that he is one of those stars shining down on us from up above...

I hate that I am back here, I hate that I am crying so much again. I hate that it is almost been 3 years since we lost him....I think I really need to start blogging again. I need this outlet to deal with these emotions b/c I don't want to cry every night. I want to remember him with a smile for all he has brought to my life that is good - not all the sadness and pain. I guess this is just the tidal wave that grief is - it comes crashing in, goes out for awhile and then comes crashing in again.

Mommy really really misses you buddy. I wish that you could be here and I could be tucking you in with your little sister. I know you know how much I love you but I just want to remind you again that I love you so so so much.

xxoo Mommy

Monday, July 4, 2011

5 Months old

I know, I know I am terrible at keeping up with this. I have actually started another blog that I am writing to Julia, so this one gets left a little bit! Julia is growing like a little weed!! She is sleeping better, starting to eat rice cereal and is rolling over every which way. She gets stuck on her tummy sometimes but can get back over to her back!!

I am missing Jackson - I find it the hardest when Brian, Julia and I are doing something together. It is like there is someone missing. Then I think about how lucky we are to have Julia and I am thankful for that! I know he is there with us, on our walks or in the pool but it is still a hard pill to swallow. I just miss him and I know that is okay.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Update - 4 months old!!!

Julia is now 4 months old!!

I have no idea where the time has gone but I am trying to soak every moment of it in. I owe that to Jackson, losing him reminds me that everyday with Julia is a blessing. Every single day I have with her I should enjoy, I should cherish it b/c I never got to have those days with him.

Julia is now 11lbs 8oz and is 61cm long - which is small in weight but long in length. I stress a bit about her being small but I try to remember she was 5 weeks early!! We have had a lot of firsts - she has rolled over from her back to her tummy and since then has continued to do it everyday. We went swimming for the first time, and she really liked it. I got her a membership at the Y and signed her up for swimming lessons.

Brian and I had our first date since she was born. We went out for dinner and I had a delicious martini - my first in over a year. It was pretty great!! I miss spending time with him - we are doing our best time spend time with each other but we are both so tired. We are playing baseball every Friday night and Brian's mom comes over to watch Julia so we get that time to ourselves which is nice. The first time we left her I had so much anxiety about it, I knew she would be okay, but you think that you are the only one who really knows what she likes - like how she likes to have her bum patted while falling asleep and how she likes to snuggle after she feeds. Of course she was fine, but I guess that is my job as a Mom - to worry!

The other day Julia and I were laying on the bed and I laughed at something she did - she laughed back at me. This continued for a good 5 was pretty darn cute. I love her little laugh!

Overall we are doing pretty great!!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Family of 4

So I was booking pictures for Julia and the lady asked me how many people were going to be in the photos - I said they would mostly be of Julia but that Brian and I would do one with her. So she said, ok - a family of 3 then. She proceeded with the phone call and when I hung up I was really sad. From the outside world we are a family of 3, but in my heart we are a family of 4. As happy and as excited as I am to do Julia's pictures there is little part of me that is sad too - we never got to take Jackson for his pictures.

I guess I am worried that when we go to do things with Julia, all the things I am excited to do with her like take her to the zoo, take her on trips, play with her at the park - will there always be that little part of me that is sad?

We really do our best to incorporate Jackson into our lives without constantly talking about him to everyone. There are people who I know I can say whatever whenever, but I am smart enough to know that there are other people who aren't as comfortable with it. Hell, there are even some people, even people in my family who pretend like it didn't happen, or at least that is what I think b/c they never really talk to me about him - sorry for that tangent - it is just frustrating b/c when people have kids of their own one would hope it would help them to understand.

Back to what I was saying about including Jackson into our lives - we got our baseball Jerseys and Brian has #26 (both his birthday and Jackson's) and I have #29 for Julia's birthday. It makes me smile to think both Mommy and Daddy have the numbers of our children on our shirts. So on Friday nights it is just another time when I get to think of both of our little one and smile!

Monday, May 2, 2011

3 months old!!

I really don't know where the last 2 months went. Everyday I would say to myself I need to get on the computer and blog....but I was so tired and so busy I never got there. But I am here now....

Julia is now 3 months old!! She weighs 10lbs 8 oz and is doing great! She is so beautiful and I am so in love. I am not sure I can even explain the love I have for her - for those of you who have little ones know what I mean. I could just stare at her forever. She is smiling a ton and is making lots of baby noises. She is so so close to really laughing, it is adorable!!

My fav time with her is bedtime, after I feed her I rock her until she is sleepy and I whisper to her...sometimes it is my hopes and dreams for her, other times I tell her about Jackson. I am so excited for all that is to come, but I am taking the time to enjoy each and every day with her.

A few people have already jokingly asked when are you having another baby. I think people forget how hard it was to get here for us - we weren't one of the lucky ones who can just get and stay pregnant...we lost a son, had two early losses and then we were lucky enough to get and stay pregnant with Julia - and then we were blessed with a living baby who we got to take home. I am in no rush to have another baby - I want to enjoy every single second with Julia. I want to soak in every moment I can with her. I feel so lucky to have her here I am not in a rush to try again...who knows if we will even try again. Right now Jackson and Julia are enough for me.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

1 month check up

Julia had her 1 month check up and she is doing great! She is now up to 7lbs 15oz ~ which is more than 2lbs in the last month b/c she dropped down to 5lbs8oz in the hospital so we are doing something right!

My friend came over and took some adorable pictures of her, I have posted a few. I love the one with Jackson's Angel wings ~ like he is watching over her.

The nights are still really long, but the awesome days make up for it. I keep reminding myself that she was 5 weeks early so she needs time to catch up! She is down for a nap now, so I am going to jump in the shower! Enjoy the pictures!!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Never thought I could be so tired! Just over 4 weeks old!

So here we are - Julia is in my arms as I write this and I couldn't be more happy. I also couldn't be more tired. Nothing can prepare you for the extreme exhaustion - not peeing 17 times a night, not working night shifts...nothing.

To say I am tired is an understatement. We are trying to do the Baby Whisperer - where basically she eats every 3 hrs during the day, after each feed we do some activity so she gets used to staying awake, then she sleeps. At night you are supposed to "tank her up" doing cluster feeds 2 hrs apart x2 and then a dream feed 2 hrs later, where you don't really wake her up, but feed her and put her right back to bed. Today is day 4 - it is going okay, she says not to expect much at first, it takes time for baby to get the routine. It is not a schedule, but a routine. Obviously if she wants to feed more, feed her more. We will see how it goes. There is a lot more to it, but that is the idea of it!

Tomorrow we have our 1 month apt with the Dr. I am anxious to see what she weighs, she definitely feels bigger and she is growing out of some of her newborn outfits. All in all she is doing well. She had a blocked tear duct that managed to clear up after a few days of cleaning it, draining it and using breast milk in it. I never knew that worked, but it does.

Yesterday we went out for a walk -I bundled her up and put her in her sling, and with the dog off we went. I didn't want to take the stroller b/c it is so mucky out with the dirty melted slushy snow. We walked for 45 mins, the sun was shining - it felt so good to be outside. I realized that I need to just suck it up and make a point to get out more - even if it isn't the nicest weather. I think I might just go to the mall and walk around there. Just being in the house is driving me a bit crazy.

Brian has been back to work for just over a week. The hardest part about that is that the nights are all me. I am lucky to say I have a very helpful husband who comes home and cooks dinner and cleans the house when I am too tired too - but a little part of me is jealous that he gets to sleep the night through with ear plugs in. Now of course I feel like a bad mother for saying that - I actually really love the time breastfeeding with Julia, at night time it is so quiet, just her and me - but I am looking forward to the day she sleeps a little better. I know we will get there. And I am not wishing this time away b/c I realize that it goes by so fast, and I also remember (every day) that I didn't get to do this with Jackson.

I had a friend over and Julia was making little noises - and she said that she believes that is when babies are talking to the angels. Who knows if it is true, but I am going to choose to believe that Julia gets to talk to her brother every day, that that is their special time together. Of course, as I type this tears are pouring down my face.

So that is where we are and what is going on. Blogging has been hard b/c I have been so tired...but tomorrow I will post again with an update from the Dr.!