Monday, December 20, 2010

30w1d!!

Wow - The last 3 weeks have been crazy busy and I just realized I hadn't really blogged in awhile. Well...I first want to start off by saying Holy crap - I made it to 30 weeks. I never really thought I would get to a gestation where there was a 3 in the front of it...but here we are. 30weeks and still growing.

I had an u/s last week that showed her to be approx. 3lbs 5oz, which to me seems so big. I know it is not, but compared to Jackson she is 3 times his size...and that just amazes me. She is such an active baby, kicking up a storm all the time. That it is my favourite part of this pregnancy, feeling her move. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing, when I feel her move I smile and am filled with an overwhelming sense of love.

We have been cervical length ultrasounds to watch my cervical length b/c it was funneling at the top, but it always was and still is closed at the bottom...which is the most important thing to worry about. So far so good. I see my OB tomorrow and we go from there, I am guessing I will have a few more u/s as the weeks go by...which I am okay with!

I am off until Dec 24th, so I plan on just relaxing on the couch, and then I am working 5 12 hour shifts in a row...which is going to be brutal...but I just have to get through them and then I have another week off....stupid Christmas schedule. And by that time I will have less than 1 month of work left. Crazy!!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

27w and looking for advice

The last few days have been odd - I am so excited about my growing belly and this little miracle inside me, but I have been thinking more and more about Jackson. One thing I can say is I never had guilt over what happened, b/c I knew that it wasn't my fault and if I could have change it all I would - but now I am feeling all this guilt about being excited about this baby.

We were watching the movie Click, which makes me cry on a good day anyway - but near the end they are at their son's wedding and I just started to cry, silently at first, but then the tears wouldn't stop and Brian saw how hard I was crying and realized it wasn't from the movie. I told him how sad I was that we would never get to go to Jackson's wedding...there are all these things that we are going to get to do with this little one, but never ever will be be able to do them with our little boy. How do I stop myself from going there, I am so scared I am going to feel guilty about enjoying the experiences with this little girl because we never got to do it all with Jackson. I am sad for him and I am sad for me. But I don't know stop these feelings - feelings of guilt and just the overwhelming sadness that he isn't here.

Don't get me wrong - I am so excited to meet this little girl, I am so excited to watch her learn and grow. I can't wait to hear her cry and see her smile...but it just hurts that I never got to do it all with Jackson.

BML's who have had a successful pregnancy after a loss - What is it like seeing and holding your rainbow baby for the first time? Did you have these feelings too? What did you do with the feelings? Brian was so sweet last night - he said that when this little one was old enough we would tell her all about Jackson, who he was and how he plays such a big role in our lives...then he said that the two of us (this baby and I) would have a good cry...

BML's who are pregnant now - have you felt these feelings too?

One day at a time I know, and I am getting there. 27 weeks! Hooray me! This is all uncharted territory for me and I must admit it is a bit scary....so exciting, but a bit scary!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

25w3d - 3D U/S

Today we had our 3D u/s - it was such an amazing experience. A bit bittersweet b/c we actually won the certificate when I went to a Mom & Baby Expo when I was pregnant with Jackson (2 days later my water broke). But I held onto it with hope that we would one day get there with another little one and here we are....gosh it is crazy to think of all we have been through since winning the certificate.

But here we are - 25w3d pregnant with our little girl. She was pretty cooperative for the session, we got a lot of profile shots and a few where she was almost looking straight on. She was really active (on account of the Coke I drank before going in...he he he). I swear there is one picture where she is smiling. Check it out:


Overall it was a great experience and I am so happy we did it. 13 more weeks (hopefully she stays in until then!!) and we will meet her. I have my induction booked for Feb 18th - I think that is a fabulous day for a birthday!

Monday, November 8, 2010

24 weeks!!!

24 weeks!!!

Wow - I have been waiting to say that since the beginning! I know I still have about 14 more weeks to go but 24 weeks is huge...in the medical world, in my world - this little bean growing inside me is considered viable....this baby has a chance of surviving if born early. Of course I want her to stay inside for so much longer, but just the fact that I made it here makes want to do a happy dance!!!

With Jackson I was so close to this point, but still so far....but with this little baby I am already here and looking forward to the weeks to come.

I am so happy to be here...next goal 32 weeks! (Which would mean I could deliver at my hospital, which has a level 2 NICU). I am still taking it one day at a time and am still being careful, but it is so hard not to be super excited at this point!

Hooray for me!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

23w4d - Life as I know it....overwhelming!

I have been meaning to post on here for a few weeks, but life has been a bit overwhleming lately. Where do I start?

I made it past 22 weeks - for me that is HUGE! I am officially farther than I have ever been in my 4 pregnancies. Overall I am feeling good, she is moving a lot and reminding me how happy I am to be pregnant. I am learning about the discomforts of pregnancy, but I will gladly take them anyday....

I feel like a weight is lifted off of me, but at the same time I know I still have far to go. My first goal after 22 weeks was to get to 24 weeks -which is Sunday...if I make it there this baby will be considered viable...which in the eyes of a medical professional is huge...but at the same time I am still so scared. Until she is in my arms crying I don't think I will feel totally okay....I think it has a lot to do with work. Lately we have had too many losses I even want to think about...early losses, second trimester, third trimester and even full term ones and it is just a reminder to me how we have no control and it is terrifying. It just hurts my heart to think about all the sadness and pain these women are going to feel, and nothing can make it better but time.

I go back and forth from being so happy to be pregnant, to feel this little life moving inside me...and on those days it is great. I even did a baby registry and am getting excited about decorating the nursery (Brian even surprised me with having the nursery painted when I got home from work yesterday) :o)

But then I have days where I think about how fast it all could be gone and I think am I stupid for doing a registry and painting the nursery....am I just going to have to return everything anyway? I hate having those thoughts but the truth of the matter is it happened once and I am so so scared it will happen again.

Last week I saw my OB b/c I thought I had a bladder infection and it turns out I was right - and I lost it. I was so scared that this infection would cause my water to break that..it brought me back to that awful dark and scary place where I didn't want to go again. All I could think was what if? What if last time I didn't know I had a bladder infection and that is what caused my water to break?? Because we don't know why it happened last time, all I could think was maybe this was why...and I lost it. I was crying and thought that for sure we would lose the baby. Now the rational part of me knows that bladder infections are common in pregnancy and when treated don't usually can an issue. So after talking to my OB on the phone for what seemed like an hour, she calmed me down enough to help me see that. She even offered to admit me to the hospital for IV antibiotics to get rid of the infection sooner - but she said that would just be for my anxiety....in the end, I took the oral antibiotics and am just now waiting to see if my follow up urine test is clear (which I am pretty sure it is b/c I don't feel the pain in my back like I did last week).

Brian is doing well - recovering nicely from his surgery - he is able to walk and it for limited amounts of time. He has been out of the house a few times, to the grocery store ect for little trips...he is still in a lot of pain, but has been able to cut back on his painkillers so that is good. He sees the specialist on the 10th and then we will have a physio plan and a estimated date for his return to work - which I am guessing won't be until the new year....gosh, that is crazy to think that the new year isn't far off.

The one frustration with his being off is his EI got messed up, and though we are fine financially b/c we saved up knowing he would be off it looks like it might be another month before he actually gets paid - 2 months without his income sucks, but I guess it is preparing us for me being off on mat leave...

So day by day we are getting there...I have booked an appt for a 3D u/s which I am really excited about...I will post another update soon! Hopefully on Sunday when I will be 24 weeks!

Friday, October 15, 2010

October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day ~ 20w5d

I just wanted to take a minute to let you all know that I am thinking about all of our babies today. Hopefully they are all playing together, looking down at us with smiles on their faces.

It hurts my heart to think about all the losses, all the pain, all the grief felt by all of the BLM's and their families...at least we have the support from each other. I feel lucky to know you all.

Jackson - I love you so so much and miss you each and every day. xoxo

xxoo, Linda

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Brian's surgery - 20weeks

I brought Brian home from the hospital late Friday night. He is doing well - still in a considerable amount of pain from the surgery, but the nerve pain he has had down his legs, in his butt and up his side was gone the day after the surgery! (Which was the whole point of the surgery). The Dr. said he gave him a few gray hairs in the OR, his spine was petty messed up and the nerves were being crushed. He now has 4 screws, 2 rods, a cage and who knows what else in his back holding him together...but it seems to be working so that is great! It was a long exhausting week, but so worth.

This week my belly really popped so to speak. There is no denying or hiding the fact that I am pregnant, not that I would want to, but I definitely have a belly. (Which is nice!!) Plus, the little one is moving around a ton too, which I love.

These next two weeks are going to be hard - hard in the fact that with Jackson my water broke at 20w6d and then we delivered, held and lost him at 21w6d. I just want to fast froward these next two weeks and get them over with. I just don't want to go there, it is such a dark place and I just don't want to go there ever again. After these two weeks it is all uphill from here. (Don't get me wrong, until I have a living breathing baby in my arms, who I know will stay that way, I will still be stressed) But at least after 22 weeks it is all unchartered territory for me, it will be new, I won't have anything to compare it too, which I am excited about.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Team Pink! 18w4d


We are having a baby GIRL!!!

We had our u/s today and everything went really well. Everything is normal, my cervix is measuring 4.1 cm and to top it off we found out we were are having a baby girl. We were both shocked and so so happy. We really were thinking boy. The more I thought about it the happier it was, in a way it makes it easier. I know it is a different pregnancy, I know it is a different baby - but with it being a different gender it makes me think it will (hopefully, fingers crossed!) be okay!

I am holding back the urge to by cute little outfits until at least 24 weeks....but in the mean time I don't think you could wipe the smile off my face. I am enjoying every single minute of this pregnancy!!

Now to think of names!!!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

2 years without you

My dear sweet little boy,

I still can't believe that 2 years have come and gone. I miss you today, like I miss you everyday. But instead of being sad that you are gone I want to thank you for all you have taught, shown and given me over the last 2 years. There were times when I didn't think I could go on without you here, but somewhere deep inside I found the strength to put one foot in front of the other...and I really do believe that you had a lot to do with that.

Having you in my life, even if it was for such a short time changed me, it made really realize who and what are important - because of you I am trying not to sweat the small stuff anymore. Because of you I have met some amazing people, many of who have also lost their little ones, and it brings me comfort to think that you are all up there playing together, every once in a while looking down at us and smiling.

I know you know that we are having another baby - but I also know that you know that this baby will never, ever replace you. I am sad that, like us, this baby will never know his or her big brother in person, but I promise you that they will know all about you and all that you taught us since. By us knowing and having you, I hope that this baby will be kinder, more loving and more gentle because of you.

With tears running down my face I know I don't need to be sad because you are in a good place, but know that I love you, miss you and think about you each and every single day.

Love you forever and always,
Mommy
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Butterfly Release - 17w6d


Before I tell you about my day I wanted to say that for me butterflies have always been the thing I associate Jackson with. Over the past 2 years, whenever I see a butterfly it makes me smile, and I feel like Jackson is right there with me. Butterflies bring me a sense of calm, so it is pretty neat that they held the butterfly release the day before Jackson's anniversary.

Today was the 3rd annual Butterfly Release for Bereaved Families in York Region. I actually didn't even know about the Butterfly Release until I drove by a sign and looked into it. When I did look into it I realized I had missed the ordering date and didn't think more about it, until a good friend, Lea - messaged and told me she inquired and was able to order Butterflies for both her son Nicholas and Jackson. I am so lucky to have such great people in my life.

We went together this morning and it was a nice ceremony, some readings, so songs and they took the time to call out every single one of the people who were being remembered. Then everyone had butterflies that were in a little container that you were to open up. It apparently take the butterflies a moment or two to acclimatize and come around from sleeping inside. Well - when I opened my box it was a smaller baby butterfly, just by chance. It took him the longest time to really wake up and then he pretty much just hung out with me, on my hand, on my shirt. It felt right, like Jackson was sticking around a bit longer to hang out with his mommy - like he was too little to go out on his own. We got some beautiful pictures of Jackson's butterfly on my baby bump - like he was saying hello to his little brother or sister. We also got some nice shots of Nichloas and Jackson's butterflies together. It was really a nice event.

So as hard as tomorrow is for me, today made it just a little bit easier.


Thursday, September 23, 2010

One thing after another...17w5d

So I saw my OB at work and she pulled me aside wanting to tell me about my IPS 2 screening. She told me that one of my levels was low -my Papp A level. Papp A has really only been paid attention to over the last year, and the most significant risk factor with Low Papp A is small birth weight or IUGR. Of course, when she told me I cried.

The most significant thing with Papp A is low birth weight, but there is also increased risks of other things I don't even want to write about or say. Needless to say they will be doing more testing and extra ultrasounds to ensure that everything is normal.

Then I thought about it and I have seen so many mom's come in lately with booked inductions for Low Papp A and there babies were fine, most of them were normal birth weights.

I just wanted everything to be as normal and low risk as possible and with each week I keep finding crap out, but then I remind myself it could be worse. All of my other testing was normal...and maybe it will all be fine.

On the bright side, hopefully this means I won't have to push out a 9+ lbs baby! Ha - I made a joke about all this...I am coping better than I thought!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Anxiety - my new middle name. 17w3d

So this week has been really hard. I thought that I was doing better dealing with this week - but I am not. This week is the week that my world came to a crashing halt 2 years ago. Yesterday, 2 years ago my water broke...and being pregnant this year makes it really hard. Last year was difficult, but this year is complicated.

I made it through the day yesterday by just watching the hours go by. Luckily I was at work, which was a distraction and was great b/c I got the take the time to go and listen to the baby's heartbeat - which is a beautiful sound.

Now I just need to get through the rest of this week...but the hard part is that I think I am having anxiety attacks. I find myself really short of breath - out of nowhere. It has happened a few times, sometimes when I am just sitting down and other times when I am just trying to sleep at night. It is like I can't breath, I can't take a deep breath and it is really scary. It actually happened at work and the OB on call did a bunch of tests and everything was normal - which makes me think it is anxiety. He said that air hunger is common in pregnancy, but this is different - plus my belly is still small and my uterus is not compressing my diaphram...not yet anyway.

I also have one episode of crazy irrational thinking where all I could think was that something bad happened and maybe the baby died - and I wouldn't know until my 18 week u/s - and I couldn't walk around with a dead baby inside of me (sorry, I know how awful and graphic that sounds but that was all I could think). I tried to sleep that night and just had nightmare after nightmare....so first thing in the morning I called my OB and went into her office so she could listen to the heartbeat...and as soon as she heard it I started to cry, not just dry, sob. Saying how happy I was to hear it, but how scared I was that something was going to happen. She was so great with me talking with me for a long time...she said I can go to her office everyday and we can listen or I can go to work 24/7 and listen there...which was reassuring. I also decided that I might just buy a Doppler and listen at home....

So as this week moves forward I am trying to learn how to accept that I am pregnant and that I might actually get a baby out of this....what a novel idea! I wish I had that innocent ignorance that first time moms have where they think that everything will just be perfect - but if I had that I would never have known Jackson, and I never would have met so many people who have become so important in my life.

I end this entry hopeful that this week with a baby in my tummy with ease some of the pain that I have from missing Jackson on a daily basis - not as a replacement but as a little brother or sister that Jackson will smile upon from up above.

Thinking about you today and always little man....xoxo

Monday, September 13, 2010

The damn anxiety is back! 16w1d

Ugh - I woke up this morning filled with anxiety. I am now 16 weeks - hooray me! But with the anniversary of Jackson's birth and death coming up it so easily brings me to tears. In 13 days it will be 2 years - 2 years of grieving, 2 years without my child, 2 years that I have been a different person.

I miss Jackson a lot today - I am sad he is not here, I am sad that he will never play with his little brother or sister. Today I am just really sad.

Along with the sadness I am full of anxiety, the next 5 weeks are going to be so much harder than I thought. My water broke with Jackson at 20w6 days and we delivered him @ 22 weeks. How can I not be afraid that it won't happen again? How do I deal with the anxiety that comes along with each and everyday that brings me closer to that milestone of 22 weeks? How did you all do it?

I know I just have to get through one day at a time, Brian's surgery is coming up and that is keeping us busy, but the worst time is when I am lying in bed trying to sleep - all I think about is Jackson, my water breaking and my postpartum hemorrhage. How do I shut off my brain so I don't drive myself crazy? I will take any and all suggestions!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Happiness...at least for now!

I just wanted to write about a moment I had in the car today.

I went to the store to buy a few more pairs of Maternity jeans b/c as my belly grows more and more I am finding it harder and harder to do up my old pants. Brian also wanted me to pick up a name book b/c he is on a kick where he really wants to pick out a name. Driving home from the store I felt the peanut move - I have felt movement for a bit now, I only feel it every now and then, not everyday, but when I do feel like it is a few movements in a row and then nothing for days - but I am still so early so I am just thrilled to be feeling anything at all. So, as I was driving home I had this thought "This is how it is supposed to be." This is what having a baby should be like, I didn't feel scared or anxious, just happy. I had my maternity pants, a baby name book and a smile on my face.

I just want this feeling to stay for as long as it can...and when I am scared and stressed I am going to try to think of that moment and allow myself to be stressed, but then I am going to go back to trying to be happy. (Try to at least!!)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

15 weeks

I know I don't have to say on here that I am not complaining, I am just writing out thoughts and feelings b/c for the most part the people who read my blog have also experienced a loss or are close friends and family - and in turn they through Brian and I experienced a loss too.

I am so happy to be pregnant, to have this life growing inside me brings me so much joy. I have found over the last few weeks I have become much more attached to this baby. It seems like a funny thing to say, but I was so scared to let myself be happy about this pregnancy b/c having it be ripped away from you one too many times hurts too much. But I have crossed the threshold, I am starting to think about how I want the nursery to look, we are talking about names...but it is all still so scary. I am now 15 weeks, I am still holding my breath. I think about how far I have come, but at the same time I think about how far I have to go.

For the first time today I was walking to a friend about this baby's u/s pictures and I said, "I put Jackson's (It took my breath away when I realized what I said) I mean the baby's picture in a frame". I couldn't believe that I called the baby Jackson, but when I think about it, Jackson was all I knew. I need to take time to talk to and bond with this baby...and now that I am letting myself do that I think I am on the right track. And I am sure I will say it again, and if I do I do. It is not like it is a bad word, he was a beautiful little boy who is watching us from up above and hopefully giggling when I say his name.

Physically I am doing alright. I am still so exhausted. I have more days where I feel sick, I don't have much of an appetite b/c as soon as I eat something I feel really full. I know that the baby is getting what it needs b/c they are "like little parasites, they suck the life from you" I have been told (in a joking manner). I am just feeling really lazy and tired and don't feeling like doing anything. But I am okay with that!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Stress @ 14w5d

I write this post a bit stressed out but slightly reassured at the same time. Where do I start?

I had my first cervical length u/s this week and even though it was supposed to reassure me, it is just stressing me out. My cervix was 3.1 cm long and closed, which is great but at the same time I wanted it to be longer. Anything below 2.5 than consider short, and mine is close. I know it is not the same, and mine is still normal. These tests that are supposed to be making me feel better are just stressing me out b/c all I do is over analyze them. And after talking with my OB she even said that 2 cm was okay, and even then it would be a debate to put in a cerclage b/c I don't have a history of preterm labour.

Then there was this morning. I woke up to this weird feeling and a very full bladder. I felt my tummy and my uterus was hard, I could feel the whole thing and it scared the hell out of me. No pain, no bleeding, no cramping. It only lasted 30-45 seconds but still....so in tears I called my OB's office and talked with her for 15 mins. She reassured me that maybe it was a full bladder spasm, after all the uterus is a muscle and it needs to strecht out to fit and acomadate baby. She told me if I wanted to go in for a listen to the heartbeat or an u/s to go in.

I think if it happens again today I will go in, but for the rest of the day I will spend on the couch. I was to work nights tonight and tomorrow but I think staying at home is a much better option for both physical and emotional reasons. One day at a time...and hopefully tomorrow will be a good day...

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

13w1d - Posted it on Facebook

Week by week I am getting there. I am now 13w1d and feeling pretty good. I officially posted it on Facebook, which I was a bit nervous b/c with Jackson 1 week after I posted it on facebook my water broke. I have to remind myself that just b/c it happened last time doesn't mean it will happen this time. So that is part of the reason why I did it...I am happy and excited and I want to share it with the world.

But lets be honest I am still terrified. Terrified that something can and will go wrong. But instead of focusing on it I am trying to focus on the many other things that are going on in my life. One day at a time!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Perinatologist apt

Today I met with Dr. Okun, who was fabulous. We went over my history and she was so compassionate and caring. She told the likelihood of having preterm rupture of membranes again was so so low, which helped but of course it still scares me.

We came up with a care plan, it may seem overdoing it some but after you have lost your child I don't think that there is overdoing it. I will have pretty regular u/s (@ 14, 18, 22 & 26 weeks) to watch my cervical length, do monthly urine and blood tests to check for infection and to watch my Anti-E titer levels. Overall I left the apt feeling good. My OB was actually on call so I told her how it all went and she was so supportive.

I don't have my u/s pictures back yet, the place says about a week for them to burn them onto a disk...but I will post them when I get them. The u/s tech showed me the little one again today, moving about in there. Oddly enough, and I know it is really early but I think I may have felt some movement at night for the past few nights, just faint faint little flutters inside....I can't wait to feel more. Also, I am finding that even though I haven't gained weight (I actually lost 4 pounds since I found out I was pregnant just trying to be healthier) my pants are getting snug around the waist. Especially when wearing jeans when sitting. Yesterday while Brian and I were at a restaurant I had to undo my pants! I guess it is time to bust out the Bella band. They do say you show earlier with your second...I think that may be right for me too. One time in my life when I am excited to have a belly!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

12w1d - Love at first sight!

So I can say that I officially made it to 12 weeks!! Yeah me, yeah baby! I was working nights Monday and just after midnight Brian called and wished me "Happy 12 weeks". It was very sweet!

I had my 12 week IPS u/s done today and for the first time we got to really look at the little one. With a tear running down my check I was so happy to see the baby squirming around in there. Brian came in and saw I was crying and looked panicked, but I told him they were happy tears...then he got to see the baby too. Love at first sight!

Tomorrow I see the Perinatologist, I am looking forward to what she has to say/recommend. I will blog again tomorrow with news from that apt! I am still taking it one day at a time, but I am more optimistic now than I was before....cautiously optimistic b/c I know the reality of what can happen, but none the less, optimistic!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Scary Nightmares - 10w3d

So the last few nights I have been having horrible nightmares about bleeding, and thus miscarrying. I think I am having these nightmare b/c I am thinking about the spotting, and in turn thinking about all the things that can, and might go wrong.

Last night in my nightmare I bled so much I soaked 6 pads and the Dr. said, yes you are miscarrying, lets give it a week and if you are still bleeding by Friday we will do a D&C. I wake up terrified and run to the bathroom scared to look down.

But all is well - no more bleeding. I know I just need to relax.

Another thing that is stressing me out is that Brian needs another major back surgery. He had a herniated and ruptured disk fixed in his back in 2002 - but his back has gotten progressively worse since. We saw the specialist on Tuesday and he told him he needs Spinal Decompression and Spinal Fusion done. He told him that afterward he is going to feel like he has been hit by a bus. Nice eh? I explained that I was pregnant to the secretary b/c we don't want the surgery near when I am due...so we have two dates. Sept 7th or Oct 4th. If it is not the first it will be the second...which does give him time to recover before baby comes....if baby comes.....I should stop talking like that...when baby comes!

Not that I want my hubby to have to have surgery, but it gives me something else to worry about other than me and this pregnancy!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Spotting yesterday - but everything is okay

Yesterday I was faced with something I was so scared was going to happen. I went to the bathroom, wiped and saw bright red blood. My world stopped, I don't think I even took a breath. I wiped again and there was more. Let me clarify, there was not a lot, but it was there and it was so scary. Luckily I was at work so I went over the prenatal clinic, in tears I might add and asked for an u/s.

They did it right away, and they of course wouldn't tell me anything. She only had to do it abdominaly as opposed to having to do it trans-vaginally as well so that was reassuring. When I got back upstairs I saw the results and the baby was fine, there was no reason for the spotting on the u/s. The baby looked good and the heart was beating away....quite quickly I might add, but so was mine!

I had played baseball the previous weekend, and needless to say, I am no longer playing. I will be cheering the team on from the bench!

It is a thin line to walk - at first I was so scared to do anything, no exercise, no sex, no baseball - but then after a conversation with my OB she reminded me that I needed to live life, I can't just lay still for 9 months or I will drive myself crazy....so I am trying to live life while growing a life inside me and it is still hard. I will go a little slower, but still try to keep some sanity.

I was going to go back to work today and tomorrow but I was told to go home and put my feet up, so I am officially on vacation and plan on enjoying every minute of it! At least I can try!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Diclectin is a must!

After working the last two nights my schedule has been a bit messed up. I was so tired when I got home this morning I just went straight to sleep...forgetting to take my Diclectin. I must say, that this stuff makes all the difference in the world. When I got up I felt awful....and thought (and hoped it would pass) so I went out to Canadian Tire with Brian....well, thank goodness they have a bathroom....I forgot how nasty public toilets are to vomit in, so I used the sink....I know, I know....gross....but I promise I rinsed it out well!

Not to self: Always always always take my Diclectin!!!

I am starting my 5 days off...then I work 3 shifts and then I am on vacation! I am so looking forward to doing nothing....I am so tired, all I really want to do is sleep!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I am Pregnant - some posts I had written before I was ready to tell the world!!

So...I am pregnant. I just found out a few days ago (after several positive at home tests). There are so many emotions that are going through me...for the past few day I have been happy and excited but as of right now I am stressed and overwhelmed...and scared.

My LMP was May 25th....yes, in Cuba...but it all worked out in the end b/c here we are. The nice part about this is we weren't trying....we weren't not trying either, we were just having sex for the fun of it and I was enjoying sex again. We had no immediate plans to start trying b/c I wasn't sure I could handle another pregnancy loss again so soon...so we thought we would maybe start trying at the end of summer....well, that didn't happen. I guess people are right when they say stop trying and it will happen.

This makes me due Mar 1st/11 - if of course I make it that far. Right now as I write this I am 5 weeks and 2 days...next week I will get a beta drawn and then a week after that I will have an u/s to see if they can see a heartbeat. This brings me a lot of anxiety b/c last pregnancy my beta levels were great, but when they went to do the u/s all they saw was an empty gestational sac....so here is hoping that the little bean is growing in there....

Every time I go to the bathroom I hold my breath as I wipe in fear that I will see blood on the toilet paper....how does one get over the constant fear of a miscarriage or another loss when that is all I have come to personally know?

Another thing that is stressing me out is that I have Anti - E antibodies present in my blood which puts this baby at right for Hemolytic Disease of the Newborn. Now I know I am getting way ahead of myself...but it scares me. Basically they test your levels through out the pregnancy and make sure they don't get too high - if they do they have to do frequent ultrasounds and monitor baby closely to make sure s/he is not becoming anemic and worst case scenario the baby would need an Inter-Uterine blood transfusion....and possibly be delivered early. Now this is worst case scenario - but look at my obstetrical history and lets be honest - I am just scared....to be pregnant, sacred to stay pregnant and so desperately wanting everything to be okay.

One day at a time....

Post number 2:

So after having not very much sleep last night I emailed my OB and asked her about the Anti-E issue. She said that there in no sense in stressing about it now, but what we will do is just do regular blood work and watch my levels when we get (if we get) further along in the pregnancy.
She is right - I know that but still.....One funny thing I wanted to mention. I told my OB (luckily b/c we work so closely together and b/c she has been there with me through everything, we have a close relationship...so I tell her about all my fears....) I told her about how I was scared to see blood when I wipe...and her response was " try to just close your eyes when you wipe (then you'll laugh because you'll be thinking of me, and how bizarre is that!" At least then I won't be thinking about the possibility of bleeding. I laughed out loud when I read that! At least I am still laughing....


Post Number 3:

As I write this I am really trying not to vomit....the severe nausea and vomiting usually start around 7-8 week for me, and I usually throw everything I eat up...I did this with Jackson until the day he was born....so I have been preparing myself for it again - but let me tell you - I had forgotten how awful it is. Saltine crackers will become my new staple very soon!

I am going to get blood work this morning - and I am scared. I want to know what my beta is but I am scared to know as well.

Also, I talked to my OB about the Anti-E issue and she told me to try to relax about it. Once I get far enough, we will watch my levels and go from there. There is no sense stressing about it now. OK....off I go to get blood work. I will post the beta level when I know it!

Post # 4

16381 - that is my beta! A lot higher than I thought it was going to be! I am happy and stressed. I am not going to get too excited until I have an u/s and they actually see something. B/c with the Blighted Ovum last time that was what happened. However, my beta was not as high last time on the first draw either!

The plan is to repeat blood work this Friday and then have the u/s on the 14th! We will see....

Post # 5

I forgot how awful I feel when I am pregnant. The nausea and vomiting are brutal. I am not complaining though, I know how hard it is for some people to get where I am - and for me to stay where I am. I just hope that in the end I get a baby out of this - a baby that stays with me here on earth!

Post # 6 ~ 6w1d

So to catch up....I had a second beta drawn at work on Friday and it wasn't where I thought it should be (26,200) so I had a panic attack. I asked to have an u/s done and within 20 mins I was getting it done. That is why I love where I work - everyone cares so much and I have such quick access to these things. After an agonizing 20 mins of her scanning my tummy and not telling me anything I couldn't contain the tears anymore. I just remember laying on the table looking at the ceiling thinking that I had another blighted ovum. After I went upstairs to get the results and....they saw a HEARTBEAT!!! I was and still am pregnant!!!! By their dates I was 6w1d and by my LMP I was 6w3d so I am pretty close. So there is it I am pregnant and there is a fetal heartbeat....but I am still scared to death!

Post # 7 ~ 6w6d

I called in sick for my two night shifts...I feel horrible. I am throwing up everything I eat and feel so nauseous all the time.....but I will take it! Through the whining and tears I am really really happy to be here!! I have felt this way with all my pregnancies and knew what to expect...but I will just state for the record it is pretty nasty. After I eat anything I have this overwhelming feeling of fullness - all the way up to the back of my throat....and then, usually within 10-30mins the food comes back up...it is like my digestion has stopped or something and all the food just sits there. It is nasty! I am taking Diclectin and hoping it will help soon....it didn't really with Jackson but this is a different pregnancy and a different baby so we will see.

Where do I go from here? Well I see my OB on Friday to go over all the details....but we are just going day by day crossing all of our fingers. I will have another u/s around 9weeks for my own sanity and then the 12 week IPS u/s....and after that if I get far enough along I will see a Perinatologist to go over my history and the Anti E stuff. But like I have said all along we will just take it one day at a time!!!

Post # 8 - 8 weeks (Tuesday July 20th, 2010)

Yesterday I had another mini freak out at work. I have been feeling better for the past few days - no nausea, no vomiting...which scared me b/c I assumed that there was something wrong. But thankfully, everything is fine. I had an u/s done and I am 8 weeks along, and the heartbeat was 161 and then 154. I was so relived - but at the same time I wonder how the hell I am going to get through the next 32 weeks of this pregnancy without continuously freaking out. I know I need to relax, but it is so scary to have no control....and as much as I would love to just enjoy the ride - easier said than done!!

Today I am feeling okay - a bit of nausea, but no vomiting. Maybe this will be the new norm for me - I guess I need to accept that this pregnancy will be different, and considering my past, maybe different is okay.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Times Change - and so do people I guess

I am sitting here reflecting back on the past 2 years of my life....so much has happened. I feel like I am at a good place - I am happier than I was a few months ago, this is something I have been working hard on...

I still think about and miss Jackson everyday - but I am in a better place now, I hate that he is gone but have accepted what happened. That doesn't mean that I still won't be angry about it some days, but overall I am coping better.

As much as I am at peace with my decision to close the door on my friendship with my friend that named her baby Jack - I am feeling like this decision may have also cost me other friendships. I am not really sure why or how I would be the "bad" guy in this situation - and I momentarily felt bad for her - but then I remembered that she got to take her baby home and all this wouldn't have ever happened if she would have chosen a different name. The one thing that would crush me - she did....so I am not sure what I did wrong. I did what I had to do to deal with it and move forward.

I guess if I do lose other friends over this then I am better off without them, I would rather be surrounded by fewer true friends then a bunch of acquaintances. Time changes people - they grow, they have their own life experiences that change them and I respect that - just look at my life.

One day at a time - I think that is my new life motto!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Dealing with it...

So, in regards to my last post I just wanted to say that I am okay...it has been a really rough, emotional few days but I think I have handled in the best way possible for me. After taking some time to think about what I really wanted to say to my friend I decided to send her a message online....I thought about calling but it is such an emotional issue I really wanted to say what I wanted to say without tears getting in the way....and I found writing to be therapeutic.

I send her a message saying how happy I was for her that her baby was here and healthy, and that I knew she would be a great mother....but as much as I was happy for her I was sad. Sad for two reasons....one was b/c her Jack was here and would get to do the things that my Jack would never get to do...and sad b/c I felt like I lost a friend. There was a lot more detail in the letter - but I also said that I needed to do what I need to do now to say healthy and be happy - and sadly, that means not being around her. Every time I hear that name it is like a stab to my already aching heart....and I can't handle that everyday for years to come....and maybe one day it will get a bit easier, but I am not sure that will be anytime soon.

I am sad I lost a friend, but I feel at peace with my decision. I need to be happy, and the best way to do that is focus on me. I need to surround myself with positive people who are there to support me...and if you can't do that, then I don't need you in my life. I don't think that is a lot to ask for from a friend.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Seriously?

I really thought I was done losing friends....since we lost Jackson I really discovered who my real friends were...and I thought I was at the point where I was surrounded by people who really cared and understood.

I just want to say before I explain this whole scenario I just want to say how sick I am of hearing "I would want to never do anything to hurt you" and then that same person goes ahead and does something that they know hurts me.....if you are going to do it...just DO IT and don't tell me how sorry you are for doing....I really don't want to hear it.

I am sick of being the strong one, I am sick of being the one who holds it all it and just goes on with my day when I feel like I am being slapped in the face. Today I am not going to be strong, I have cried and I will probably cry some more...and I am not just going to let it go for now b/c it really bothers me.....

Here is what happened: (This is just the background story.)

A few months ago a freind/close co-worker was having a baby, she didn't know the sex but if it was going to be a boy she planned on naming him Jack. She told me this a day before she was to be induced. To her face I told her to do what she needed to do but inside I was weeping. I couldn't imagine hearing her call to her baby Jack, I didn't want to hear her Jack's giggle or hear about his first steps....when I would NEVER get to do that with my Jack. (We were going to call Jackson - Jack for short, and I had voiced this over the course of my pregnancy) I have a hard enough time seeing the name Jackson or Jack when I don't even know the person....never-mind someone I would see all the time....every time I do I ache inside b/c I miss him so much. In the end she had a girl and at time I didn't have to deal with it. 6 months later I decided to talk to her about it b/c I was still upset about it....we talked about it and basically she said that she was going to use that name in the future if she has a boy b/c it was important to her...and I just decided to let it go....she wasn't going to see my point and I realized that she never would. I moved on, thinking I wouldn't have to worry about it for a while.....

Then another friend/close co-worker decides to tell me the day before she is to be induced that they have decided to use the name Jack....now at the time that all this had happened with the other friend - this friend told me that she too loved that name, but would never do that to be b/c she knows how hard it is for me....I guess she forgot that. So now, she has had her baby, named Jack and I am lost. I know how childish it sounds, but I don't want to see her, I don't want to hear about him and I just feel done. I am hurt, I am angry and I don't want to deal with this crap....

I know that unless you have experienced a loss you don't really get it....and I know I am hurt on two levels - the first obviously being that I am sad that Jackson is not here, and that I have to hear/see her Jack do all the things that my Jack never got to do...and on the other level I am hurt b/c I felt like I lost a friend through this....I thought we were closer. My best girlfriends are all disgusted and say that there is no way that they would ever do that to me....and I, of course, would never do that to someone....but once again I was burned....and it really sucks.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Shoes....

I found this on Lea's blog and it describes my life perfectly. The shoes that I have been forced to wear are so unbearably uncomfortable....but I cannot take them off. I think that sometimes people don't realize that we have to wear these shoes everyday....

I am somewhere in between aching daily as I try to walk in them....those days don't come as often. I am learning to walk in them, but I am no where near the place where I have worn them so long that days go by before I think about how much they hurt.

Though I wish I could change things and give us all our little one's back I feel lucky to know I am no the only one who wears these shoes. By talking with and having the support of these women it makes it much easier to walk in these shoes on a daily basis....b/c until you have walked in them - you really truly have no idea.



Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Monday, June 7, 2010

Cuba and the week since....

Brian and I got back from a lovely vacation a week ago from Cuba. We were married in Cuba in 2007 so I think it will always have a place in my heart. It was a great week spent relaxing by the pool, then by the ocean and then back by the pool....all with a fresh banana daiquiris in hand. I had a few moments I just wanted to reflect on...

The first was just after we took off, the plane had just gotten over the clouds and the sun was shining so bright. The clouds where the big, white fluffy ones...and out of nowhere I felt an overwhelming closeness to Jackson. It was like he was right there and I could feel his presence. I remember thinking this is where he plays all day - up in the clouds....it was really beautiful. With my hand on my heart I shed a few silent tears wishing he was going on vacation with us...but in a way I guess he was.

The other "moment" was a bit harder...it was out last day there and I was laying on the sun chair thinking about going back to work, going back to life, going back to reality...and I just started to cry. I had entire week where I didn't think about all the stress and it was amazing.....I didn't want to come back to the emotional reality of my life.....but obviously we had to come back. I talked with Brian about how we could make life a little less stresssful and we are going to try to adapt those ideas...taking more time for ourselves, trying to look on the positive side of things....ect. We will see how it goes.

This last week has been hard, only b/c I attended a baby shower of a close friend - those are always hard....especially since the baby is going to be a boy. Shopping for baby boy stuff really sucks... At the baby shower one by one my co-workers arrived with their new babies in tow....there were probably 7 or so babies there and 2 pregnant people...and all I could think was Jackson should be playing with these babies. That and I would be due right now if I wouldn't have had my first early loss.....but I made it through and lived to live another day. I know in my heart that one day I will have a baby shower for my own baby and that is what keeps me going.

I just finished 4 busy days at work and now I am off for 5....5 glorious days where I don't have to rush to do anything...and I plan on enjoying everyday of it! I hope everyone has a good week.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Letting Go

A lot has happened over the last few weeks, I have been working hard on figuring out how to be happy. The biggest thing keeping me from happiness was the anger I have been holding onto for the last 18 months. One day I decided that I just need to let it go.

I wrote a letter to both God and to Jackson...and had a balloon ceremony. I had three helium balloons, a blue one and two white ones. I went outside to Jackson's tree and read my letter aloud, and when I was done I struggled to let go of the balloons...I didn't want to let them go...I thought of letting my angel babies go was so hard, but I did - it took everything in me but I did. As I watched the balloons float away, getting smaller and smaller until I no longer could see them I thought to myself maybe, just maybe they will make it all the way up there and Jackson will catch them. And as I was thinking that thought, Brian said to me - maybe they will make it all the way up there. I am a lucky woman to have such an supportive husband. He truly surprises me sometimes.

Here is the letter I wrote:
I am not sure who I am writing this letter to - both God and Jackson I guess, but here it goes.

I need to let go. I need to let go of the anger, the sadness, the pain, the jealousy, and the resentment. It is the only way I am going to heal, it is the only way I can go back to finding the happiness within.

Yes, I was dealt a really shitty hand, but to be healthy and happy I really need to let go. Letting go does not mean I will forget you Jackson or the impact you have on my life. You will always be my baby and nothing will ever change that. Jackson, Mommy loves you so much. I am sorry that my water broke and I couldn’t make it through my pregnancy. I am sorry my body failed you. I am sorry you never go the chance to become who you were supposed to be. But I know if there was anything that could have been done I would have done it to save you, I would have given my life for yours but for some reason, a reason that I am struggling to understand that was not in the plans. I hope that you are getting the do the things up there that you missed out on down here.


I know you know that every time I hear your name part of me inside weeps for the fact that I will never have the chance to call your name to you, other than though my dreams and through my tears. I know you know that every time I see a little boy who should be your age I think about what would have been - and I don’t think that this will ever change. But give me the strength to let go of the pain that came with losing Jackson, and maybe I will begin to heal.


To my two other angel babies - I had such hopes and dreams for you. I hope you know how badly I waned you in my life, but like Jackson, I need to let go.

I had such hopes and dreams for all my pregnancies, but since the last loss I have lost the hopes and dreams I have had for myself. For me to find happiness in my life again I need to have those hopes and dreams again.
- I want to live life and enjoy it
- I want to be happy

- When Brian and I are ready I want to try again, and I hope and dream of a successful pregnancy

- I want to be healthier and be more active.

- I am going to dedicate some time to creating a Life list and I want to start checking things off.

- I am giving myself permission to be sad, and to have bad days
- but overall I want to look for the positives in the experience I am facing and try to focus on that.


As I let these balloons go I am saying goodbye. I am letting the pain, the grief, the sadness and the anger that has taken over my life for the last 18 months go. I will have bad days, days where the sadness and pain my feel so raw and when they do I will take a moment to remember Jackson and my other losses, but then I will move forward with the day. I will remind myself I am surrounded by people who truly love me and care about me, people who truly understand what I have been through. I am going to remind myself that I am not in control of everything in life, but I can be in control of my happiness.

I love you Jackson, but I have to let go.

Love Always and Forever, Mommy xoxoxo

Sunday, May 9, 2010

What Makes a mother....

Hi everyone,

We had the memorial at the hospital and it was bittersweet. Nice to be supported by other babylost mothers, but so sad at the same time. I hope as each year goes on we can continue to have the memorial, helping more women deal with the grief and pain of their loss(es).

Appropriately, the poem I was going to read was called "What Makes a Mother". This is something that I have struggled with since we lost Jackson. Over the last 18 months I have learned that just b/c your baby is not with you, doesn't mean you are not a mother. I try to explain it like this, if your father died, you wouldn't say you never had a father, you would say that he has died, but was still a very big part of your life...it is the same with our babies. Even though I was only pregnant for 22 weeks, and he was only alive for 1hr36mins he has totally changed and shaped my life. I am a Mother - and it hurts that not everyone recognizes it....I don't get mother's day cards or messages...but thank you to the people who have recognized it and thought of me today - know that I am thinking of you too!

Here is the poem that speaks so clearly to me. Happy Mothers Day Ladies. XOXO

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom

Author Unknown


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Who knew Happiness was so hard...

Today I was looking up at the sky and I made a wish...without thinking I wished to be happy. Now, I have always wished on stars, thinking maybe one day it would work. Usually it is silly things like to win the lottery, and mainly over the past 18 months it has been to be (and stay) pregnant. I surprised myself making that wish...If only it was that simple.....

I guess in order for my wish to come true I need to figure out what being happy means to me. Does it mean starting to TTC again? Does it mean taking a break and seeing what happens on it's own? How do I decide, how do I stop the overwhelming emotions that come with losing a child and two other pregnancies take over my life? I really wish I knew.

I am going to start seeing someone tomorrow who can hopefully help me work through this all. The hard part in I just feel defeated b/c every time things start to look up the walls come tumbling down again....but I guess I need to work through that. Work through the fear and anxiety that comes with that....and once I do all that maybe I will be happy again.

I really miss the "old" Linda. The woman who was carefree and found humor in everyday life. The woman who was an optimist and was hopeful for the future. The Linda who was happy. Now I just feel angry, spiteful, jealous and defeated. What breaks my heart is that I know Brian, my husband, misses her too.

It is so consuming to feel all of these negative emotions...I do have good days when I feel like the old me is back, but at the end of the day when I go to bed and instead of kissing my baby goodnight I take one final look at Jackson's foot moldings, his angel wings and his ashes and it hurts my heart.

I know that time will help me heal, but it seriously feels like it is taking forever. I just want to be happy again.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Thinking About you all today...

International Babylost Mother's Day - I never thought/or wanted to be part of this group - but I have met so many amazing people who have gone through similar situations.

I just wanted to let you all know that you and your babies are in my thoughts and in my heart. We are all united in grief, but I hope you all know it is b/c of your thoughts, comments and gestures that is makes it easier to get through tough days. Thank you for that.

I really do believe that our little ones are gathered above looking down at us with smiles. I hope today wasn't too painful for you all.

Love, Linda

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Scared to move forward...

I have been really good at writing out my thoughts over the past few weeks but I haven't posted them. I am not really sure what that is about, but none the less I am posting now.

After some self reflection I have decided to not take the bereavement course at work - I am not there yet. I am too much of a cynic and pessimist right now. I think maybe, after I have a successful pregnancy and have a baby in my arms it might be a bit easier. Plus, emotionally I am all over the place.

It has been 2 months since our last loss and my body is still figuring out what it wants to do (in terms of a normal cycle). Maybe if it is back to "normal" we will start to TTC again next month...but to be honest. I am so scared. I don't want to go through another loss...I am not sure what I will do if it happens other than lose my mind. So I am asking myself what to do? And I don't have an answer. I know I said before "without risk there is no reward" but I am calling bullshit on myself. I am terrified of all the what if's that come along with the possibility of a 4th pregnancy. I wish I could just say okay, whatever happens happens, and if we have a baby in the end of this great and if no we will try try again, but you can only get knocked down so many times. AHHHH....

We are going on a much needed vacation at the end of May - which I think we both need! Maybe I should just relax and let things happen...but once again easier said than done!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Some good steps in my life....I think!

Good news - I can make it to both my MIL's retirement dinner and the memorial at the hospital. I am also going to say something at the memorial and am in the process of writing it....a lot of tears have fallen in thinking about Jackson and all the other dear babies that have gone too soon. When I write out my final draft I will be sure to post it on here.

I was asked by our clinical coordinator at work if I wanted to take some bereavement training and wanted to head up the training of our staff at the hospital. I feel honored and I think I am ready. I think have both the perspective of the Nurse as well as a bereaved parent myself will maybe help others understand it a little better. The feeling I get from supporting someone else and helping them through their loss is indescribable....it feels like I have a purpose. I know the deep dark raw emotions they are feeling at the time of the loss and the things that are to come.

If I could go back in time and somehow change the past and bring Jackson back I would - but I can't and I am dealing with it the best way I know how....and every time I am able to help, comfort or talk with someone else dealing with the grief of a loss I thank Jackson for that. He did this for me and I am attempting to pay it forward....we will see how it goes!

I am off to work....hopefully for a not too busy night!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Catching up...

Well, it has been awhile since I last posted but I have been busy and for some reason not really felt like writing. I am not really sure what that was about but here I am, catching up on the last few weeks.

I spoke with my Dr. about antidepressants - and she very kindly reminded me that it had not even yet been a month since my most recent loss (at the time). For some bizarre reason I had forgotten how recent it was and I decided to give myself a break. The hardest part about it was that it brought up so many memories of losing Jackson - but I am dealing with that all still and I also have to give myself a break regarding that.

My work is having a memorial day at the hospital for all the losses in the last year, and even before that as well. I really hope that this turns into an annual memorial day, I think it would be really nice for all of us mothers out there to have a day where we can gather and lean on each other for support. The problem is that my Mother-in-law's (who I love dearly) retirement party is on the same day. I am not sure of the time of the retirement party yet, but I am hoping I can figure something out.

Work has been really busy lately - which is both good and bad. I had a patient just last week come in in labour. She was only 33 weeks and her first son, named Jack died a week after he was born. Since then they have had a successful pregnancy where they had a little girl. We took the time to talk about her Jack and my Jackson and of course cried. They didn't know what they were having, and once she delivered they saw they had another beautiful little boy. That was an emotional day. I was so happy for them - and it gave me hope that one day I will too have a baby in my arms that is mine.

I am back to work tomorrow - working over Easter. I hope everyone has a great Easter weekend surrounded by family and friends.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Struggling...

I had a really "real" conversation with one of my best friends today. It amazes me how she truly sees me and what I am going through. She told me she was worried about me and I guess she has a right to be. She said she really wanted to see me with a smile on my face and that she doesn't want me to go deeper into the dark hole of depression. Once I heard those words come out of her mouth I really realized and understood how badly I was coping with everything.

I am just so angry about everything. All of these emotions are back from losing Jackson which will always be hard but what makes it so hard this time is that with this last pregnancy I really thought that everything was going to be okay - my beta levels were rising, I felt horrible - until the u/s there was no sign that there was anything wrong. I let myself get excited, I let myself dream of holding and having a baby at the end - and now, once again I am left with empty arms and an empty heart.

I have been having dreams again lately that I have a baby - and then reality comes crashing in when I wake up and I am left with nothing. I am so tired of being this sad, angry person. I just want to be happy again. I used to laugh and smile - I still have days where I do laugh and smile but it seems like they are far and few between.

After we lost Jackson someone mentioned anti-depressants right away and I was annoyed. I was sad for a reason - my son just died, I thought - I am going to be sad and anti-depressants aren't going to help that. I told myself I would give it time, if it wasn't better I would talk to my Dr. about it. It really did get better - I still missed Jackson and wished he was here with me, but I really did feel like the sun started to shine in my life again and I felt happiness again. Then we had the 6 week loss in Oct - and after that I was sad, but I told myself that we had paid our dues and next time it would all work out. But now, with this loss I am lost. I am back to that really awful place again. I am still sad for a reason - so I am not sure if anti-depressants are going to fix anything but I can't handle this yo-yo of emotions. I will talk to my Dr. about it this week and see what she says. Believe me, if there was a magic pill that fixed everything I would take it in a heartbeat. And I know that anti-depressants aren't going to fix everything - but maybe they will help me get a handle on my emotions.

I am still also really struggling with work. I love my job, but one one hand I feel like I need an break from all things related to pregnancy. Maybe I should look for another job somewhere else that has nothing to do with babies and then when I go to work I would be able to shut my brain off for a bit. On the other hand - I love my job. I love being there for families, helping them bring another life into this world. I would also really miss the support system at work. When I do get pregnant again at work my co-workers understand what I have been through and I wouldn't have to explain a thing. I really just don't know what to do.

After talking with my girl friend today I decided on a few things. I am going to get off my butt and exert some energy, maybe that will help me sleep a bit better too. We are going to take some kickboxing classes together, which should help with the anger issues. I am also going to talk to my Dr. and possibly go see another grief counselor. I am just going to take it one day at a time and then go from there. I guess that is all I can do.

Sometimes it takes someone else to say how they see things to make you open your eyes a bit. Even though it was a hard conversation to have I am glad I talked about all this with her. I am so lucky and thankful to have her in my life. I am not sure if she knows how much she means to me but without her friendship I would be lost. I feel blessed to have her in my life.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

P.S. I Love You

So I am lying in bed, unwinding after a really stressful day at work watching the movie P.S. I Love You - which is a great movie, which I cry through every time I see it. There is a part in the movie, about halfway through when the girls go on their trip to Ireland. They are in the boat, after losing their oars and are just sitting in silence. They purpose of the trip was to spend some girl time together to help her get over the loss of her husband. While in the boat, after a few minutes of silence, her first friend announces she is pregnant and a minute later the other friend announces she is getting married. The two girlfriends are so exicted about both of these things and are laughing, screaming and hugging...and then the camera shows the main characters face (the one who lost her husband and is dealing with the grief of his loss) and I knew exactly what she was thinking...she was shocked/overwhelmed/sad and probably hurt. Of course she was happy that good things were happening to her friends but at the same time it probably felt like a slap in the face.

Hilary Swank is a really good actress b/c seeing the way she acted was like looking in a mirror...now I understand that losing your husband and losing a child are different things, but when you are dealing with the loss of a child and dealing with the grief on a daily basis you kind of feel like your feet are stuck in the mud. It is hard to understand some times that life for everyone else does go on...other people will get married, other people will have babies, all while you are trying to still deal with the fact that your baby is gone.

These people, her friends in the movie, and mine is real life are doing the things that I want to be doing, they are having the experiences I want to be having. And to be excited for them, and be supportive is hard - this doesn't mean I am not happy for them - I really truly am, but it is so much to deal with.

I guess the lesson to take from this movie is to embrace life, enjoy the time you have with the one's you love and live each and everyday with the people you love and with the memories of those who are no longer with us in person. I will try - I make no promises but I will try.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Nasty Stomach flu and some other thoughts...

So I never made it back into work for my night shifts. I caught a really nasty stomach flu, after 4 days I am finally starting to feel a bit better. I think I might have actually had Norwalk virus...nasty nasty stuff!

I wanted to clarify a few things about the testing. I did actually get some testing done (including the thrombophilia work-up) and it all came back negative - which is why my Dr. doesn't think it is necessary to have it done again.

In terms of recovering from this Blighted Ovum and D&C I feel like I am at a standstill. I am stuck in this place and don't know where to go. Physically I am doing alright, it has been 10 days and I am still spotting. No heavy bleeding which is good, but I would really love this spotting to stop. As far as emotionally - I am a bit lost. I still haven't opened the closet that I put baby stuff in. I didn't buy much, but I had such a good feeling about this past pregnancy I had allowed myself get a few small things. Part of me is angry and just wants to grab a garbage bag and throw it all away...but the other part of me hopes that one day there will be a baby for it all.

I am feeling really empty. I was so happy when I was pregnant and now, along with the pregnancy all the hopes and dreams that came along with it are gone too. I have an empty belly and what feels like an empty heart - gosh, that sounds really depressing but it is how I feel.

I want so badly to get pregnant again but I am scared about all the what if's - and the biggest what if is what if I have another loss? I know that without risk there is no reward but a person can only be knocked down so many times before they can't get up anymore.

So that is where I am today, tomorrow might be better, who knows!


Saturday, February 27, 2010

These last few days

I went back to work and it did have it's up's and down's. The hardest part was when people asked how I was...that was when I got teary eyed. I tried to submerge myself in work, and that itself was hard.

The one thing I struggle with doing what I do is when we have people come in who are 16 having a baby, or when they are 20 and it is their 3rd....or when they admit to cocaine use (but it was only every other week....GIVE ME A BREAK!) I try really hard not to be judgemental, and I try to remind myself that addiction is a powerful thing, but when I am trying to hard to be a good person, make the right choices and just have one healthy baby and some people can pop kids out with no problems regardless of their life choices frustrates the hell out of me.

I think it is b/c in our society we were raised to believe that if we made the right choices in life and we were "good" people then we would get the things in life we deserve. Well....as I have gone through all this I have learned this isn't true. When I was really angry after losing Jackson I really truly started to believe the opposite.....Bad things happen to good people, and Good things happen to bad people...now I have come to understand and am working on accepting that shit happens to everyone....and hopefully good things will happen for everyone too.

On my second day at work my OB was working and I was able to pull her aside and have a good talk. That is one of the perks of working where I do. I went over some things that we bothering me and she took the time to go over it all. We talked about having testing done - but I had already had some done after Jackson that showed no problems. The hard part is that I have now had 3 losses that are all different and not related in anyway. I have made it past 12 weeks which shows I can carry a pregnancy, and b/c I made it past 12 weeks we know I don't have issues with clotting. All of this is what we would find out in the testing...I just of course want answers, but I will never get them.

Then yesterday I got a really nasty stomach flu. The nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and stomach cramps were brutal. I was off work for one day, but I am finally feeling better now. I am going back in for nights tonight....hopefully it is a good night. I just have to get through it and then I will be off for 5 glorious days!!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Back to work tomorrow

I am supposed to start back to work tomorrow and I definitely have mixed emotions. I don't even really feel like talking to anyone, never mind supporting someone through their labour. That is the hard part about my job, there is no escape from it, I am constantly surrounded. On most days I love it but today it is just too hard.

Some people have said take more time off, but I have already been off for two weeks, and I am starting to go stir crazy, not to mention that your paycheck is always better when you have full time hours on it. The good thing is that there is no pressure. I will go, and can leave at any time. This is one thing I am thankful for - my boss and co-workers are all so understanding.

I had a really hard time sleeping last night, so many of my close friends and family are either pregnant or have recently had babies, and when so many people have what you want so desperately it sometimes makes it harder to get through the day with a smile on your face. You feel like a horrible person for being jealous, but it is hard not to be....I am so happy for each and every one of them but I want my turn too!

I found myself thinking about what my life would be like right now if we hadn't lost Jackson - I don't let myself go there too often b/c it hurts too much and last night was no different. He should be taking his first steps and saying his first words. I wonder what he would look like and who he would be....but I will never know and it hurts my heart.

Then I think about how far I have come in the last 17 months and am proud of myself. Brian and I bought our first house. We have grown as a couple. I have learned that marriage isn't easy - but when you work on things together it gets easier. There have been friendships that have both grown and are no longer b/c of what happened and I am thankful for that - losing Jackson really showed me who my true friends are...and I would rather have a few strong relationships instead of ton of friends you can't really count on.

Don't get me wrong - I still have a long way to go and a lot to figure out...but I will do it one day at a time. I know that there will be both good days and bad ones....I just hope that one day soon I will be holding and loving another baby in my arms.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Where do I begin?

So I am not really sure where to start. I am at a place in my life where I am feeling a bit lost. There has been so much that has happened over the last 17 months, and I feel like I haven't caught up yet.

I guess I will tell you a bit about myself and then go into details about the past. I am married to a great, supportive guy named Brian. One thing I can say is that all of the stuff we have been through has definitely made our marriage stronger. Brian and I were married in 2007 on the beach in Cuba, we were surrounded by family and friends and had the most amazing trip of our lives.

In Sept 2008 our lives took a turn and forever changed who I was. We lost our son. No parent should ever have to hold their child as he takes his first and last breath. No parent should ever have to walk out of a funeral home with their son's ashes. I remember thinking - we are too young for this.

After we lost Jackson I was in a really bad place for a really long time. I remember after about 5 months I started to see the sun shining again. I still felt the pain, but I was starting to feel some happiness in my life again.

After a year we both were ready to try again. After only 2 months of trying we found out we were pregnant, only to have a 6 week loss soon after. The intense emotions had returned - the anger, the sadness. But I thought - we can get through this. I was determined to get pregnant and stay pregnant.

Every month was hard, counting the days until I ovulated, then going through the 2WW (2 week wait), then holding your breath to see if your period would come or not...and when it did it was devastating. There were many times I sat on the toilet and cried.

But, come Jan 24th - my period did not come, and after doing multiple pregnancy tests at home I drew a beta at work. It was high, and I was on cloud nine! I was pregnant and already feeling horrible! (With Jackson I vomited multiple times a day for the entire 5 1/2 months). I went for my early 6 week u/s and it showed an empty gestational sac. I was told to be prepared b/c it looked like it might be a Blighted Ovum. I was crushed. I didn't, and still don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I waited 9 days and did a repeat u/s and the gestational sac was still empty. I had a D&C this past Friday. Physically I am doing alright, but emotionally I am lost. So I thought I would try writing this and see if I would feel better after I got it all out.

I kept past journals and I will enter them on here as well. Kind of a way for me to get it all out. Here is hoping it helps.