I am supposed to start back to work tomorrow and I definitely have mixed emotions. I don't even really feel like talking to anyone, never mind supporting someone through their labour. That is the hard part about my job, there is no escape from it, I am constantly surrounded. On most days I love it but today it is just too hard.
Some people have said take more time off, but I have already been off for two weeks, and I am starting to go stir crazy, not to mention that your paycheck is always better when you have full time hours on it. The good thing is that there is no pressure. I will go, and can leave at any time. This is one thing I am thankful for - my boss and co-workers are all so understanding.
I had a really hard time sleeping last night, so many of my close friends and family are either pregnant or have recently had babies, and when so many people have what you want so desperately it sometimes makes it harder to get through the day with a smile on your face. You feel like a horrible person for being jealous, but it is hard not to be....I am so happy for each and every one of them but I want my turn too!
I found myself thinking about what my life would be like right now if we hadn't lost Jackson - I don't let myself go there too often b/c it hurts too much and last night was no different. He should be taking his first steps and saying his first words. I wonder what he would look like and who he would be....but I will never know and it hurts my heart.
Then I think about how far I have come in the last 17 months and am proud of myself. Brian and I bought our first house. We have grown as a couple. I have learned that marriage isn't easy - but when you work on things together it gets easier. There have been friendships that have both grown and are no longer b/c of what happened and I am thankful for that - losing Jackson really showed me who my true friends are...and I would rather have a few strong relationships instead of ton of friends you can't really count on.
Don't get me wrong - I still have a long way to go and a lot to figure out...but I will do it one day at a time. I know that there will be both good days and bad ones....I just hope that one day soon I will be holding and loving another baby in my arms.