I went back to work and it did have it's up's and down's. The hardest part was when people asked how I was...that was when I got teary eyed. I tried to submerge myself in work, and that itself was hard.
The one thing I struggle with doing what I do is when we have people come in who are 16 having a baby, or when they are 20 and it is their 3rd....or when they admit to cocaine use (but it was only every other week....GIVE ME A BREAK!) I try really hard not to be judgemental, and I try to remind myself that addiction is a powerful thing, but when I am trying to hard to be a good person, make the right choices and just have one healthy baby and some people can pop kids out with no problems regardless of their life choices frustrates the hell out of me.
I think it is b/c in our society we were raised to believe that if we made the right choices in life and we were "good" people then we would get the things in life we deserve. Well....as I have gone through all this I have learned this isn't true. When I was really angry after losing Jackson I really truly started to believe the opposite.....Bad things happen to good people, and Good things happen to bad people...now I have come to understand and am working on accepting that shit happens to everyone....and hopefully good things will happen for everyone too.
On my second day at work my OB was working and I was able to pull her aside and have a good talk. That is one of the perks of working where I do. I went over some things that we bothering me and she took the time to go over it all. We talked about having testing done - but I had already had some done after Jackson that showed no problems. The hard part is that I have now had 3 losses that are all different and not related in anyway. I have made it past 12 weeks which shows I can carry a pregnancy, and b/c I made it past 12 weeks we know I don't have issues with clotting. All of this is what we would find out in the testing...I just of course want answers, but I will never get them.
Then yesterday I got a really nasty stomach flu. The nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and stomach cramps were brutal. I was off work for one day, but I am finally feeling better now. I am going back in for nights tonight....hopefully it is a good night. I just have to get through it and then I will be off for 5 glorious days!!