Saturday, February 27, 2010

These last few days

I went back to work and it did have it's up's and down's. The hardest part was when people asked how I was...that was when I got teary eyed. I tried to submerge myself in work, and that itself was hard.

The one thing I struggle with doing what I do is when we have people come in who are 16 having a baby, or when they are 20 and it is their 3rd....or when they admit to cocaine use (but it was only every other week....GIVE ME A BREAK!) I try really hard not to be judgemental, and I try to remind myself that addiction is a powerful thing, but when I am trying to hard to be a good person, make the right choices and just have one healthy baby and some people can pop kids out with no problems regardless of their life choices frustrates the hell out of me.

I think it is b/c in our society we were raised to believe that if we made the right choices in life and we were "good" people then we would get the things in life we deserve. I have gone through all this I have learned this isn't true. When I was really angry after losing Jackson I really truly started to believe the opposite.....Bad things happen to good people, and Good things happen to bad I have come to understand and am working on accepting that shit happens to everyone....and hopefully good things will happen for everyone too.

On my second day at work my OB was working and I was able to pull her aside and have a good talk. That is one of the perks of working where I do. I went over some things that we bothering me and she took the time to go over it all. We talked about having testing done - but I had already had some done after Jackson that showed no problems. The hard part is that I have now had 3 losses that are all different and not related in anyway. I have made it past 12 weeks which shows I can carry a pregnancy, and b/c I made it past 12 weeks we know I don't have issues with clotting. All of this is what we would find out in the testing...I just of course want answers, but I will never get them.

Then yesterday I got a really nasty stomach flu. The nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and stomach cramps were brutal. I was off work for one day, but I am finally feeling better now. I am going back in for nights tonight....hopefully it is a good night. I just have to get through it and then I will be off for 5 glorious days!!


  1. I found it so hard to rationalize how I could lose Harrison when I believe I am a good person. For a few weeks I tried to make peace with every questionable thing I did. I don't think I will ever understand this injustice but have learned to accept it.

    I do hope you are feeling better from your flu.

  2. Glad that work went ok. I too can't understand how there are teens and drug addicts popping out healthy kids like its no big deal. Hope you are feeling better!

  3. I hope it goes well for you tonight! My first weeks back to work were really hard on me so I'll be praying for a better result for you. *HUGS*

  4. Kim - mother of 2 on earth and one in heavenFebruary 27, 2010 at 7:24 PM

    I am definitely thinking of you right now - 10:24pm - and hoping you're feeling physically better and that work is "good."

  5. I just finished reading your "Losing Jackson" post. Breaks my heart. I hope you are doing well at work tonight.

  6. just found your blog...i can only imagine how hard it must be to go back to your job after all you have been through...i guess i just imagine you will be a great resource and help to another mother one day...when she will experience the same heartache as you...

    wanted to add: i have never had a miscarriage, always made it past 12 weeks but i DO have a blood clotting disorder. my numbers are borderline but i firmly believe had i not been on lovenox with this last pregnancy, i would have lost her too. i beg of you to get testing...its expensive but it cant hurt.

    if you wanna talk more please email me or visit my blog...on paper i look beautiful but my pregnancies have been HORRIBLE.

    ((hugs)) to you...

  7. It is good to hear that it was not as bad as you thought. But, I can't imagine how stressful it must be.