Monday, February 22, 2010

Where do I begin?

So I am not really sure where to start. I am at a place in my life where I am feeling a bit lost. There has been so much that has happened over the last 17 months, and I feel like I haven't caught up yet.

I guess I will tell you a bit about myself and then go into details about the past. I am married to a great, supportive guy named Brian. One thing I can say is that all of the stuff we have been through has definitely made our marriage stronger. Brian and I were married in 2007 on the beach in Cuba, we were surrounded by family and friends and had the most amazing trip of our lives.

In Sept 2008 our lives took a turn and forever changed who I was. We lost our son. No parent should ever have to hold their child as he takes his first and last breath. No parent should ever have to walk out of a funeral home with their son's ashes. I remember thinking - we are too young for this.

After we lost Jackson I was in a really bad place for a really long time. I remember after about 5 months I started to see the sun shining again. I still felt the pain, but I was starting to feel some happiness in my life again.

After a year we both were ready to try again. After only 2 months of trying we found out we were pregnant, only to have a 6 week loss soon after. The intense emotions had returned - the anger, the sadness. But I thought - we can get through this. I was determined to get pregnant and stay pregnant.

Every month was hard, counting the days until I ovulated, then going through the 2WW (2 week wait), then holding your breath to see if your period would come or not...and when it did it was devastating. There were many times I sat on the toilet and cried.

But, come Jan 24th - my period did not come, and after doing multiple pregnancy tests at home I drew a beta at work. It was high, and I was on cloud nine! I was pregnant and already feeling horrible! (With Jackson I vomited multiple times a day for the entire 5 1/2 months). I went for my early 6 week u/s and it showed an empty gestational sac. I was told to be prepared b/c it looked like it might be a Blighted Ovum. I was crushed. I didn't, and still don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I waited 9 days and did a repeat u/s and the gestational sac was still empty. I had a D&C this past Friday. Physically I am doing alright, but emotionally I am lost. So I thought I would try writing this and see if I would feel better after I got it all out.

I kept past journals and I will enter them on here as well. Kind of a way for me to get it all out. Here is hoping it helps.

32 comments:

  1. It's never easy no matter how early the loss. You and Brian deserve everything your heart desires and I have faith that it will happen for you. I am always here if you need to talk.xoxo..Cherie

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  2. Love you, girl. There is such a wonderful support network in this community. I posted your blog on Nicholas' Touch. Hope you don't mind.....

    Thinking of you often. xx

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  3. I came over here from Lea's blog and just wanted to offer you a huge ((HUG)).

    You are so right...no mommy should ever have to say hello and goodbye on the same day. I never really even had a chance to say hello to Lily as she was born sleeping...but, I know my hubby's words were the last she heard as she went to sleep. My daughter, Lily, was born sleeping on 8/3/08 and there hasn't a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about how different my life could be and I have gone on to have another baby...but, she will always be missed and loved.

    I look forward to reading about your journey~

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  4. I just read Lea's blog. I am here as support. I hope that you find some kind of release and therapy thru here. Don't hold back because we all understand.

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  5. Just popped over from Lea's blog. We are here for you- we all have different stories, but we have walked on this same journey. Please let us be there to hold you and walk with you.

    Lesley

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  6. Stopping by from Lea's blog. It's never fair to have to day good-bye to our children (not matter what the circumstances are)

    I hope that by blogging you are able to find an outlet for your feelings. I can tell you that it has helped me.

    There are so many supportive women out there who have gone through the same thing.

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  7. I came over from Lea's blog to offer my support. I've found that making entries in my blog helps me work through it, so you write as much as you need to. (((((hugs)))))

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  8. I came over from Lea's blog as well. Hope you can find the support and comfort that you need from all of our stories. They're so different, as are our babies, but there's nothing more similar than the hearts of all these mothers whose strength always humbles me.

    Kat @ In Dylan's Memory

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  9. i came from Lea's blog too im here to offer support also. welcome to this community Im so sorry you have had to find us but there are so many wonderful people here and they do some wonderful things. You can learn about each of our journies in your own pace, but reading other stories helped me the most. I coulnt get over the fact that so many people had exactly the same feelings as I did. *hugs*

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  10. I found your blog through Lea's blog. I am so deeply sorry about your loss. We lost our daughter at 23.3 weeks due to my water rupturing. She too lived for about an hour. I am an ICU nurse, and occasionally we get some pregnant patients and it is just so difficult for me to deal with. I can't imagine being an L&D nurse...I am sure it can be a struggle. Blogging for me has been my respite from the outside world. Everyone I have met in this community is kind and gentle. Please don't even hesitate to email me for anything. Light and Love.

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  11. ((hugs)) No mommy should have to go through that. I hope that blogging helps a bit!

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  12. Linda, I'm so sorry for your losses. A good friend of mine also lost a baby and is a labor and delivery nurse and she lost her baby a little over 1 month ago. Anyway she has started work again, I told her to come over here and introduce herself to you.

    We lost our Gracie, Dec. 10, 2010, she was born already in heaven and I was 26 1/2 weeks. It's been the hardest thing to get through I'll be keeping you in my prayers that you will have everything you need to get through this time. You are welcome to check out Gracie's blog if it helps.

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  13. Hey Linda, nice to meet you , tho I'm sorry it's under such circumstances. *hugs* You've been through so much! I really do hope that blogging helps you!

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  14. Stopping by from Lea's to send a hug and some love your way. I lost my twins at 23.3 when my water broke early around my daughter, so I know at least a tiny bit of how you feel (not trying to compare, but if you're looking for similar type losses, pprom is mine).
    Like Megan said, I hope blogging helps even just a little. We're to listen and support without judging!

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  15. I came from Lea's blog too..I hope you find some love and support from the blogging community..It has been a great comfort to me..

    ((HUGS))

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  16. Lea sent me you way too...I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious Jackson and your early losses as well. I lost my twin girls at 21 weeks and 1 day and it is so hard to live life without them here. I hope you find much comfort and support from this community. It has been a wonderful outlet for me. xx

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  17. Ditto here, came from Lea's blog. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy Jackson. You will find some of the most amazing support in the other babylost mamas. Many of these women held me up and kept me going during the darkest days of my life. I'm so sorry you're here, but you've come to the right place to heal. Sending you hugs

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  18. Linda, I just wanted to stop over from Lea's blog to let you know that your not alone. This walk can be so lonely sometimes so I just wanted to say that to you. I lost my son Bryston early in the third trimester then I lost my rainbow baby Peanut this past Christmas. Its hard but I know that God is right here comforting me and wiping my tears. *HUGS*

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  19. Hi Linda,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your little Jackson and for your other 2 babes as well.

    I too came over from Lea's blog to offer support and to let you know that you are not alone and as hard as it is, there is comfort knowing that all of the feelings you are experiencing are normal... as normal as they can be right now.

    We are here to lean on and like others have said there is a great community of very supportive women out here wanting and willing to help you out in any way we can.

    Smile through your tears,
    Jaime
    xo

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  20. Sorry for your loss, I am fairly new to the this blogging world as well and I have met some amazing people here.

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  21. Linda,

    Coming to you by way of Lea's blog. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious son Jackson Brian and will remember him with my angel, Christian. It's been 9 months for me and I still have those days when I feel completely lost and not sure what to do with myself, but I can honestly say that I do see the sunshine again. We are currently TTC again and have been for the past 5 months...and yes the repeated disappointments are taxing, but we will ourselves forward.

    Just want to offer you some love and let you know that I will be praying for you :) You are in the right place, as only baby lost mothers know what its like to walk through this storm, but we "walk together"

    Much Love and May You find Brighter days Ahead
    xoxo
    Andrea
    persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com

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  22. Coming by way of Lea's blog too. I am so, so sorry to read about all that you have been through. My first child was born in September of 2008 too, that struck me in reading your post. She too passed away. I too have suffered a miscarriage, and am dealing with some serious infertility issues so I can so relate to SO SO much of what you wrote here. I don't know why this stuff happens to good people. sometimes life is utter shit and just unfair. I am praying for better days ahead for you. I wish I had some words to heal your heart, just know you are not alone.
    Peace xx

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  23. I came from Lea's blog. I am so so sorry for the heartache that you keep going through. I'm at a loss for words. My heart goes out to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.


    Lots of Love,
    Jenny

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  24. I'm stopping through from lea's blog. I just wanted to let you know i am so sorry for your losses and for your heatache. I am sending you lots of love and prayers for you , hubby and your angels.

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  25. This community has been such an encouragement to me, and I hope it is to you, also.

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  26. Hi, following Leas lead and coming over to say hello to you. I hope you will find the support and comfort you need in doing a blog. I know it has helped me immensely. Thinking of you........~~Hugs~~

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  27. Sending you prayers for peace and comfort...you will find so much support in this wonderful community of lovely women. You are never alone...keep writing!!! Hugs, Nan xo

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  28. Here from Lea's blog.

    I'm so very sorry that you find yourself here but I'm very glad you've found this community.

    You are not alone.

    Hugs

    xxx

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  29. Hi Linda-
    I came from Lea's blog, as well. :) Im sorry we have to meet this way. And, I'm so sorry for your losses. I lost my daughter, Ella at 23.3 weeks in March 2009. This is an amazing community of women and I know you'll feel some love here. xxoo

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  30. Linda, I wish we could all meet under better circumstances! You're right about feeling "to young for this" - it's exactly what went through my mind when leaving the funeral home with Leila's cremains (GOD, but I hate that word!). We'll pray for that positive pregnancy test for you and Brian! Sending you lots of ((hugs))

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  31. Linda, I came over from Lea's blog *huge hugs* No one should ever have to walk out of a funeral home with their child's ashes is right. I still remember the day we did and it still seems like yesterday, but its been almost eight months.

    Have loss after loss is also difficult. I am thinking of you and praying for you. We are trying now and have not gotten pregnant yet, but Jonathan was our second loss so I can somewhat relate to that pain.

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  32. I hopped over from Lea's blog. I am so sorry for your losses. My heart breaks for any one who has to go through this. Sending you hugs and prayers

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