So I am not really sure where to start. I am at a place in my life where I am feeling a bit lost. There has been so much that has happened over the last 17 months, and I feel like I haven't caught up yet.
I guess I will tell you a bit about myself and then go into details about the past. I am married to a great, supportive guy named Brian. One thing I can say is that all of the stuff we have been through has definitely made our marriage stronger. Brian and I were married in 2007 on the beach in Cuba, we were surrounded by family and friends and had the most amazing trip of our lives.
In Sept 2008 our lives took a turn and forever changed who I was. We lost our son. No parent should ever have to hold their child as he takes his first and last breath. No parent should ever have to walk out of a funeral home with their son's ashes. I remember thinking - we are too young for this.
After we lost Jackson I was in a really bad place for a really long time. I remember after about 5 months I started to see the sun shining again. I still felt the pain, but I was starting to feel some happiness in my life again.
After a year we both were ready to try again. After only 2 months of trying we found out we were pregnant, only to have a 6 week loss soon after. The intense emotions had returned - the anger, the sadness. But I thought - we can get through this. I was determined to get pregnant and stay pregnant.
Every month was hard, counting the days until I ovulated, then going through the 2WW (2 week wait), then holding your breath to see if your period would come or not...and when it did it was devastating. There were many times I sat on the toilet and cried.
But, come Jan 24th - my period did not come, and after doing multiple pregnancy tests at home I drew a beta at work. It was high, and I was on cloud nine! I was pregnant and already feeling horrible! (With Jackson I vomited multiple times a day for the entire 5 1/2 months). I went for my early 6 week u/s and it showed an empty gestational sac. I was told to be prepared b/c it looked like it might be a Blighted Ovum. I was crushed. I didn't, and still don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I waited 9 days and did a repeat u/s and the gestational sac was still empty. I had a D&C this past Friday. Physically I am doing alright, but emotionally I am lost. So I thought I would try writing this and see if I would feel better after I got it all out.
I kept past journals and I will enter them on here as well. Kind of a way for me to get it all out. Here is hoping it helps.