I had a really "real" conversation with one of my best friends today. It amazes me how she truly sees me and what I am going through. She told me she was worried about me and I guess she has a right to be. She said she really wanted to see me with a smile on my face and that she doesn't want me to go deeper into the dark hole of depression. Once I heard those words come out of her mouth I really realized and understood how badly I was coping with everything.
I am just so angry about everything. All of these emotions are back from losing Jackson which will always be hard but what makes it so hard this time is that with this last pregnancy I really thought that everything was going to be okay - my beta levels were rising, I felt horrible - until the u/s there was no sign that there was anything wrong. I let myself get excited, I let myself dream of holding and having a baby at the end - and now, once again I am left with empty arms and an empty heart.
I have been having dreams again lately that I have a baby - and then reality comes crashing in when I wake up and I am left with nothing. I am so tired of being this sad, angry person. I just want to be happy again. I used to laugh and smile - I still have days where I do laugh and smile but it seems like they are far and few between.
After we lost Jackson someone mentioned anti-depressants right away and I was annoyed. I was sad for a reason - my son just died, I thought - I am going to be sad and anti-depressants aren't going to help that. I told myself I would give it time, if it wasn't better I would talk to my Dr. about it. It really did get better - I still missed Jackson and wished he was here with me, but I really did feel like the sun started to shine in my life again and I felt happiness again. Then we had the 6 week loss in Oct - and after that I was sad, but I told myself that we had paid our dues and next time it would all work out. But now, with this loss I am lost. I am back to that really awful place again. I am still sad for a reason - so I am not sure if anti-depressants are going to fix anything but I can't handle this yo-yo of emotions. I will talk to my Dr. about it this week and see what she says. Believe me, if there was a magic pill that fixed everything I would take it in a heartbeat. And I know that anti-depressants aren't going to fix everything - but maybe they will help me get a handle on my emotions.
I am still also really struggling with work. I love my job, but one one hand I feel like I need an break from all things related to pregnancy. Maybe I should look for another job somewhere else that has nothing to do with babies and then when I go to work I would be able to shut my brain off for a bit. On the other hand - I love my job. I love being there for families, helping them bring another life into this world. I would also really miss the support system at work. When I do get pregnant again at work my co-workers understand what I have been through and I wouldn't have to explain a thing. I really just don't know what to do.
After talking with my girl friend today I decided on a few things. I am going to get off my butt and exert some energy, maybe that will help me sleep a bit better too. We are going to take some kickboxing classes together, which should help with the anger issues. I am also going to talk to my Dr. and possibly go see another grief counselor. I am just going to take it one day at a time and then go from there. I guess that is all I can do.
Sometimes it takes someone else to say how they see things to make you open your eyes a bit. Even though it was a hard conversation to have I am glad I talked about all this with her. I am so lucky and thankful to have her in my life. I am not sure if she knows how much she means to me but without her friendship I would be lost. I feel blessed to have her in my life.