Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Scared to move forward...

I have been really good at writing out my thoughts over the past few weeks but I haven't posted them. I am not really sure what that is about, but none the less I am posting now.

After some self reflection I have decided to not take the bereavement course at work - I am not there yet. I am too much of a cynic and pessimist right now. I think maybe, after I have a successful pregnancy and have a baby in my arms it might be a bit easier. Plus, emotionally I am all over the place.

It has been 2 months since our last loss and my body is still figuring out what it wants to do (in terms of a normal cycle). Maybe if it is back to "normal" we will start to TTC again next month...but to be honest. I am so scared. I don't want to go through another loss...I am not sure what I will do if it happens other than lose my mind. So I am asking myself what to do? And I don't have an answer. I know I said before "without risk there is no reward" but I am calling bullshit on myself. I am terrified of all the what if's that come along with the possibility of a 4th pregnancy. I wish I could just say okay, whatever happens happens, and if we have a baby in the end of this great and if no we will try try again, but you can only get knocked down so many times. AHHHH....

We are going on a much needed vacation at the end of May - which I think we both need! Maybe I should just relax and let things happen...but once again easier said than done!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Some good steps in my life....I think!

Good news - I can make it to both my MIL's retirement dinner and the memorial at the hospital. I am also going to say something at the memorial and am in the process of writing it....a lot of tears have fallen in thinking about Jackson and all the other dear babies that have gone too soon. When I write out my final draft I will be sure to post it on here.

I was asked by our clinical coordinator at work if I wanted to take some bereavement training and wanted to head up the training of our staff at the hospital. I feel honored and I think I am ready. I think have both the perspective of the Nurse as well as a bereaved parent myself will maybe help others understand it a little better. The feeling I get from supporting someone else and helping them through their loss is feels like I have a purpose. I know the deep dark raw emotions they are feeling at the time of the loss and the things that are to come.

If I could go back in time and somehow change the past and bring Jackson back I would - but I can't and I am dealing with it the best way I know how....and every time I am able to help, comfort or talk with someone else dealing with the grief of a loss I thank Jackson for that. He did this for me and I am attempting to pay it forward....we will see how it goes!

I am off to work....hopefully for a not too busy night!