I have been really good at writing out my thoughts over the past few weeks but I haven't posted them. I am not really sure what that is about, but none the less I am posting now.
After some self reflection I have decided to not take the bereavement course at work - I am not there yet. I am too much of a cynic and pessimist right now. I think maybe, after I have a successful pregnancy and have a baby in my arms it might be a bit easier. Plus, emotionally I am all over the place.
It has been 2 months since our last loss and my body is still figuring out what it wants to do (in terms of a normal cycle). Maybe if it is back to "normal" we will start to TTC again next month...but to be honest. I am so scared. I don't want to go through another loss...I am not sure what I will do if it happens other than lose my mind. So I am asking myself what to do? And I don't have an answer. I know I said before "without risk there is no reward" but I am calling bullshit on myself. I am terrified of all the what if's that come along with the possibility of a 4th pregnancy. I wish I could just say okay, whatever happens happens, and if we have a baby in the end of this great and if no we will try try again, but you can only get knocked down so many times. AHHHH....
We are going on a much needed vacation at the end of May - which I think we both need! Maybe I should just relax and let things happen...but once again easier said than done!