Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Scared to move forward...

I have been really good at writing out my thoughts over the past few weeks but I haven't posted them. I am not really sure what that is about, but none the less I am posting now.

After some self reflection I have decided to not take the bereavement course at work - I am not there yet. I am too much of a cynic and pessimist right now. I think maybe, after I have a successful pregnancy and have a baby in my arms it might be a bit easier. Plus, emotionally I am all over the place.

It has been 2 months since our last loss and my body is still figuring out what it wants to do (in terms of a normal cycle). Maybe if it is back to "normal" we will start to TTC again next month...but to be honest. I am so scared. I don't want to go through another loss...I am not sure what I will do if it happens other than lose my mind. So I am asking myself what to do? And I don't have an answer. I know I said before "without risk there is no reward" but I am calling bullshit on myself. I am terrified of all the what if's that come along with the possibility of a 4th pregnancy. I wish I could just say okay, whatever happens happens, and if we have a baby in the end of this great and if no we will try try again, but you can only get knocked down so many times. AHHHH....

We are going on a much needed vacation at the end of May - which I think we both need! Maybe I should just relax and let things happen...but once again easier said than done!

4 comments:

  1. So nice to hear from you! I totally get what you are saying. You must be terrified... if only we had a magic ball to tell us everything will be alright. I pray for you every day. You are such a blessing in my life....

    A vacation... Yaaayyy!

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  2. I agree with everything you have written. I too have had 3 losses in the last 18 months or so and am absolutely peryfied. We too are away at the end of may on holiday and pretty much decided that is when we would dtart trying again..but already the fear is making me decide against that. I think yet another loss at sooo many weeks gone would knock me right down and i fear i would never be able to get back up again.
    All we are feeling must be normal,right??
    wishing you peaceful days

    Angel's Mummy x

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  3. It's hard, I know. I have had three losses as well. For me, it is all about FAITH. Faith that God will bring you through everything and to where you need to be. It's about trust and learning to try to give up that control because truly we don't control ANYTHING. Keeping you in my prayers and sending you lots of love. xxx

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  4. My heart freezes everytime I think about our next time. I brought home a beautiful healthy boy and I am here today in this club. I can't imagine going through a whole pregnancy and ending up again with empty arms.

    May you find the strength to take the next step when you are ready.

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