Monday, May 31, 2010

Letting Go

A lot has happened over the last few weeks, I have been working hard on figuring out how to be happy. The biggest thing keeping me from happiness was the anger I have been holding onto for the last 18 months. One day I decided that I just need to let it go.

I wrote a letter to both God and to Jackson...and had a balloon ceremony. I had three helium balloons, a blue one and two white ones. I went outside to Jackson's tree and read my letter aloud, and when I was done I struggled to let go of the balloons...I didn't want to let them go...I thought of letting my angel babies go was so hard, but I did - it took everything in me but I did. As I watched the balloons float away, getting smaller and smaller until I no longer could see them I thought to myself maybe, just maybe they will make it all the way up there and Jackson will catch them. And as I was thinking that thought, Brian said to me - maybe they will make it all the way up there. I am a lucky woman to have such an supportive husband. He truly surprises me sometimes.

Here is the letter I wrote:
I am not sure who I am writing this letter to - both God and Jackson I guess, but here it goes.

I need to let go. I need to let go of the anger, the sadness, the pain, the jealousy, and the resentment. It is the only way I am going to heal, it is the only way I can go back to finding the happiness within.

Yes, I was dealt a really shitty hand, but to be healthy and happy I really need to let go. Letting go does not mean I will forget you Jackson or the impact you have on my life. You will always be my baby and nothing will ever change that. Jackson, Mommy loves you so much. I am sorry that my water broke and I couldn’t make it through my pregnancy. I am sorry my body failed you. I am sorry you never go the chance to become who you were supposed to be. But I know if there was anything that could have been done I would have done it to save you, I would have given my life for yours but for some reason, a reason that I am struggling to understand that was not in the plans. I hope that you are getting the do the things up there that you missed out on down here.

I know you know that every time I hear your name part of me inside weeps for the fact that I will never have the chance to call your name to you, other than though my dreams and through my tears. I know you know that every time I see a little boy who should be your age I think about what would have been - and I don’t think that this will ever change. But give me the strength to let go of the pain that came with losing Jackson, and maybe I will begin to heal.

To my two other angel babies - I had such hopes and dreams for you. I hope you know how badly I waned you in my life, but like Jackson, I need to let go.

I had such hopes and dreams for all my pregnancies, but since the last loss I have lost the hopes and dreams I have had for myself. For me to find happiness in my life again I need to have those hopes and dreams again.
- I want to live life and enjoy it
- I want to be happy

- When Brian and I are ready I want to try again, and I hope and dream of a successful pregnancy

- I want to be healthier and be more active.

- I am going to dedicate some time to creating a Life list and I want to start checking things off.

- I am giving myself permission to be sad, and to have bad days
- but overall I want to look for the positives in the experience I am facing and try to focus on that.

As I let these balloons go I am saying goodbye. I am letting the pain, the grief, the sadness and the anger that has taken over my life for the last 18 months go. I will have bad days, days where the sadness and pain my feel so raw and when they do I will take a moment to remember Jackson and my other losses, but then I will move forward with the day. I will remind myself I am surrounded by people who truly love me and care about me, people who truly understand what I have been through. I am going to remind myself that I am not in control of everything in life, but I can be in control of my happiness.

I love you Jackson, but I have to let go.

Love Always and Forever, Mommy xoxoxo

Sunday, May 9, 2010

What Makes a mother....

Hi everyone,

We had the memorial at the hospital and it was bittersweet. Nice to be supported by other babylost mothers, but so sad at the same time. I hope as each year goes on we can continue to have the memorial, helping more women deal with the grief and pain of their loss(es).

Appropriately, the poem I was going to read was called "What Makes a Mother". This is something that I have struggled with since we lost Jackson. Over the last 18 months I have learned that just b/c your baby is not with you, doesn't mean you are not a mother. I try to explain it like this, if your father died, you wouldn't say you never had a father, you would say that he has died, but was still a very big part of your is the same with our babies. Even though I was only pregnant for 22 weeks, and he was only alive for 1hr36mins he has totally changed and shaped my life. I am a Mother - and it hurts that not everyone recognizes it....I don't get mother's day cards or messages...but thank you to the people who have recognized it and thought of me today - know that I am thinking of you too!

Here is the poem that speaks so clearly to me. Happy Mothers Day Ladies. XOXO

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom

Author Unknown

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Who knew Happiness was so hard...

Today I was looking up at the sky and I made a wish...without thinking I wished to be happy. Now, I have always wished on stars, thinking maybe one day it would work. Usually it is silly things like to win the lottery, and mainly over the past 18 months it has been to be (and stay) pregnant. I surprised myself making that wish...If only it was that simple.....

I guess in order for my wish to come true I need to figure out what being happy means to me. Does it mean starting to TTC again? Does it mean taking a break and seeing what happens on it's own? How do I decide, how do I stop the overwhelming emotions that come with losing a child and two other pregnancies take over my life? I really wish I knew.

I am going to start seeing someone tomorrow who can hopefully help me work through this all. The hard part in I just feel defeated b/c every time things start to look up the walls come tumbling down again....but I guess I need to work through that. Work through the fear and anxiety that comes with that....and once I do all that maybe I will be happy again.

I really miss the "old" Linda. The woman who was carefree and found humor in everyday life. The woman who was an optimist and was hopeful for the future. The Linda who was happy. Now I just feel angry, spiteful, jealous and defeated. What breaks my heart is that I know Brian, my husband, misses her too.

It is so consuming to feel all of these negative emotions...I do have good days when I feel like the old me is back, but at the end of the day when I go to bed and instead of kissing my baby goodnight I take one final look at Jackson's foot moldings, his angel wings and his ashes and it hurts my heart.

I know that time will help me heal, but it seriously feels like it is taking forever. I just want to be happy again.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Thinking About you all today...

International Babylost Mother's Day - I never thought/or wanted to be part of this group - but I have met so many amazing people who have gone through similar situations.

I just wanted to let you all know that you and your babies are in my thoughts and in my heart. We are all united in grief, but I hope you all know it is b/c of your thoughts, comments and gestures that is makes it easier to get through tough days. Thank you for that.

I really do believe that our little ones are gathered above looking down at us with smiles. I hope today wasn't too painful for you all.

Love, Linda