A lot has happened over the last few weeks, I have been working hard on figuring out how to be happy. The biggest thing keeping me from happiness was the anger I have been holding onto for the last 18 months. One day I decided that I just need to let it go.
I wrote a letter to both God and to Jackson...and had a balloon ceremony. I had three helium balloons, a blue one and two white ones. I went outside to Jackson's tree and read my letter aloud, and when I was done I struggled to let go of the balloons...I didn't want to let them go...I thought of letting my angel babies go was so hard, but I did - it took everything in me but I did. As I watched the balloons float away, getting smaller and smaller until I no longer could see them I thought to myself maybe, just maybe they will make it all the way up there and Jackson will catch them. And as I was thinking that thought, Brian said to me - maybe they will make it all the way up there. I am a lucky woman to have such an supportive husband. He truly surprises me sometimes.
Here is the letter I wrote:
I am not sure who I am writing this letter to - both God and Jackson I guess, but here it goes.
I need to let go. I need to let go of the anger, the sadness, the pain, the jealousy, and the resentment. It is the only way I am going to heal, it is the only way I can go back to finding the happiness within.
Yes, I was dealt a really shitty hand, but to be healthy and happy I really need to let go. Letting go does not mean I will forget you Jackson or the impact you have on my life. You will always be my baby and nothing will ever change that. Jackson, Mommy loves you so much. I am sorry that my water broke and I couldn’t make it through my pregnancy. I am sorry my body failed you. I am sorry you never go the chance to become who you were supposed to be. But I know if there was anything that could have been done I would have done it to save you, I would have given my life for yours but for some reason, a reason that I am struggling to understand that was not in the plans. I hope that you are getting the do the things up there that you missed out on down here.
I know you know that every time I hear your name part of me inside weeps for the fact that I will never have the chance to call your name to you, other than though my dreams and through my tears. I know you know that every time I see a little boy who should be your age I think about what would have been - and I don’t think that this will ever change. But give me the strength to let go of the pain that came with losing Jackson, and maybe I will begin to heal.
To my two other angel babies - I had such hopes and dreams for you. I hope you know how badly I waned you in my life, but like Jackson, I need to let go.
I had such hopes and dreams for all my pregnancies, but since the last loss I have lost the hopes and dreams I have had for myself. For me to find happiness in my life again I need to have those hopes and dreams again.
- I want to live life and enjoy it
- I want to be happy
- When Brian and I are ready I want to try again, and I hope and dream of a successful pregnancy
- I want to be healthier and be more active.
- I am going to dedicate some time to creating a Life list and I want to start checking things off.
- I am giving myself permission to be sad, and to have bad days
- but overall I want to look for the positives in the experience I am facing and try to focus on that.
As I let these balloons go I am saying goodbye. I am letting the pain, the grief, the sadness and the anger that has taken over my life for the last 18 months go. I will have bad days, days where the sadness and pain my feel so raw and when they do I will take a moment to remember Jackson and my other losses, but then I will move forward with the day. I will remind myself I am surrounded by people who truly love me and care about me, people who truly understand what I have been through. I am going to remind myself that I am not in control of everything in life, but I can be in control of my happiness.
I love you Jackson, but I have to let go.
Love Always and Forever, Mommy xoxoxo