Monday, May 31, 2010

Letting Go

A lot has happened over the last few weeks, I have been working hard on figuring out how to be happy. The biggest thing keeping me from happiness was the anger I have been holding onto for the last 18 months. One day I decided that I just need to let it go.

I wrote a letter to both God and to Jackson...and had a balloon ceremony. I had three helium balloons, a blue one and two white ones. I went outside to Jackson's tree and read my letter aloud, and when I was done I struggled to let go of the balloons...I didn't want to let them go...I thought of letting my angel babies go was so hard, but I did - it took everything in me but I did. As I watched the balloons float away, getting smaller and smaller until I no longer could see them I thought to myself maybe, just maybe they will make it all the way up there and Jackson will catch them. And as I was thinking that thought, Brian said to me - maybe they will make it all the way up there. I am a lucky woman to have such an supportive husband. He truly surprises me sometimes.

Here is the letter I wrote:
I am not sure who I am writing this letter to - both God and Jackson I guess, but here it goes.

I need to let go. I need to let go of the anger, the sadness, the pain, the jealousy, and the resentment. It is the only way I am going to heal, it is the only way I can go back to finding the happiness within.

Yes, I was dealt a really shitty hand, but to be healthy and happy I really need to let go. Letting go does not mean I will forget you Jackson or the impact you have on my life. You will always be my baby and nothing will ever change that. Jackson, Mommy loves you so much. I am sorry that my water broke and I couldn’t make it through my pregnancy. I am sorry my body failed you. I am sorry you never go the chance to become who you were supposed to be. But I know if there was anything that could have been done I would have done it to save you, I would have given my life for yours but for some reason, a reason that I am struggling to understand that was not in the plans. I hope that you are getting the do the things up there that you missed out on down here.

I know you know that every time I hear your name part of me inside weeps for the fact that I will never have the chance to call your name to you, other than though my dreams and through my tears. I know you know that every time I see a little boy who should be your age I think about what would have been - and I don’t think that this will ever change. But give me the strength to let go of the pain that came with losing Jackson, and maybe I will begin to heal.

To my two other angel babies - I had such hopes and dreams for you. I hope you know how badly I waned you in my life, but like Jackson, I need to let go.

I had such hopes and dreams for all my pregnancies, but since the last loss I have lost the hopes and dreams I have had for myself. For me to find happiness in my life again I need to have those hopes and dreams again.
- I want to live life and enjoy it
- I want to be happy

- When Brian and I are ready I want to try again, and I hope and dream of a successful pregnancy

- I want to be healthier and be more active.

- I am going to dedicate some time to creating a Life list and I want to start checking things off.

- I am giving myself permission to be sad, and to have bad days
- but overall I want to look for the positives in the experience I am facing and try to focus on that.

As I let these balloons go I am saying goodbye. I am letting the pain, the grief, the sadness and the anger that has taken over my life for the last 18 months go. I will have bad days, days where the sadness and pain my feel so raw and when they do I will take a moment to remember Jackson and my other losses, but then I will move forward with the day. I will remind myself I am surrounded by people who truly love me and care about me, people who truly understand what I have been through. I am going to remind myself that I am not in control of everything in life, but I can be in control of my happiness.

I love you Jackson, but I have to let go.

Love Always and Forever, Mommy xoxoxo


  1. it's hard letting go of the anger and hurt and grief because it feels like you are letting go of the only thing you have left of your child.

    i hope that you find peace and it's a beautiful gesture.


  2. So proud of you... and I know Jackson and your Angels are incredibly proud of their mommy. Thank you for sharing such a tender moment with us. I hope the balloon release and letter helped a little.

    Looking forward to hearing about Cuba!

  3. I think we all think that letting to means we will forgetting. But, our children will always be in our hearts.

    I do hope you find something that will bring you some peace.

    I love your letter to Jackson. It brought tears to my eyes.

  4. I hope you are able to find the peace that you long for~ which I hope to someday find, too...

  5. I hope that reading your letter and releasing the balloons will help! You are not letting go of your babies, just the anger! ((hugs))

  6. *hugs* I think all we can do is hand over our emotions to God just as you did. What a truly inspiring post.

    love and prayers

  7. (hugs) Beautiful letter and post.