Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Who knew Happiness was so hard...

Today I was looking up at the sky and I made a wish...without thinking I wished to be happy. Now, I have always wished on stars, thinking maybe one day it would work. Usually it is silly things like to win the lottery, and mainly over the past 18 months it has been to be (and stay) pregnant. I surprised myself making that wish...If only it was that simple.....

I guess in order for my wish to come true I need to figure out what being happy means to me. Does it mean starting to TTC again? Does it mean taking a break and seeing what happens on it's own? How do I decide, how do I stop the overwhelming emotions that come with losing a child and two other pregnancies take over my life? I really wish I knew.

I am going to start seeing someone tomorrow who can hopefully help me work through this all. The hard part in I just feel defeated b/c every time things start to look up the walls come tumbling down again....but I guess I need to work through that. Work through the fear and anxiety that comes with that....and once I do all that maybe I will be happy again.

I really miss the "old" Linda. The woman who was carefree and found humor in everyday life. The woman who was an optimist and was hopeful for the future. The Linda who was happy. Now I just feel angry, spiteful, jealous and defeated. What breaks my heart is that I know Brian, my husband, misses her too.

It is so consuming to feel all of these negative emotions...I do have good days when I feel like the old me is back, but at the end of the day when I go to bed and instead of kissing my baby goodnight I take one final look at Jackson's foot moldings, his angel wings and his ashes and it hurts my heart.

I know that time will help me heal, but it seriously feels like it is taking forever. I just want to be happy again.

5 comments:

  1. I'm praying a special prayer for you.
    {{HUGS}}
    Caroline

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  2. Linda, have you been tested for autoimmune issues like Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome or MTHFR? Autoimmune problems can cause clotting in the placenta which can lead to early miscarriage or late term loss. Please, if you haven't done so already, get screened for these. I lost six pregnancies before I found out I had this disease and the treatment is a fairly simple regiment of heparin shots and baby aspirin. Sending you hugs

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  3. Yes, I have been tested.And all my results came back normal. The hard thing about my losses is that they are all different. A 22 week loss from Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes, a 6 week chemical pregnancy and an 8 week blighted ovum. They are all different and not associated in anyway...they are just 3 crappy things that happened to me and there is no reason why. Which is part of the reason why. Thank you though, any information I may be missing is more than welcome!!

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  4. Linda, I am hoping that you will have good fortune with whomever you choose to help you on your journey to TTC. I will be keeping you in my prayers.

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