Today I was looking up at the sky and I made a wish...without thinking I wished to be happy. Now, I have always wished on stars, thinking maybe one day it would work. Usually it is silly things like to win the lottery, and mainly over the past 18 months it has been to be (and stay) pregnant. I surprised myself making that wish...If only it was that simple.....
I guess in order for my wish to come true I need to figure out what being happy means to me. Does it mean starting to TTC again? Does it mean taking a break and seeing what happens on it's own? How do I decide, how do I stop the overwhelming emotions that come with losing a child and two other pregnancies take over my life? I really wish I knew.
I am going to start seeing someone tomorrow who can hopefully help me work through this all. The hard part in I just feel defeated b/c every time things start to look up the walls come tumbling down again....but I guess I need to work through that. Work through the fear and anxiety that comes with that....and once I do all that maybe I will be happy again.
I really miss the "old" Linda. The woman who was carefree and found humor in everyday life. The woman who was an optimist and was hopeful for the future. The Linda who was happy. Now I just feel angry, spiteful, jealous and defeated. What breaks my heart is that I know Brian, my husband, misses her too.
It is so consuming to feel all of these negative emotions...I do have good days when I feel like the old me is back, but at the end of the day when I go to bed and instead of kissing my baby goodnight I take one final look at Jackson's foot moldings, his angel wings and his ashes and it hurts my heart.
I know that time will help me heal, but it seriously feels like it is taking forever. I just want to be happy again.