Sunday, June 20, 2010

Seriously?

I really thought I was done losing friends....since we lost Jackson I really discovered who my real friends were...and I thought I was at the point where I was surrounded by people who really cared and understood.

I just want to say before I explain this whole scenario I just want to say how sick I am of hearing "I would want to never do anything to hurt you" and then that same person goes ahead and does something that they know hurts me.....if you are going to do it...just DO IT and don't tell me how sorry you are for doing....I really don't want to hear it.

I am sick of being the strong one, I am sick of being the one who holds it all it and just goes on with my day when I feel like I am being slapped in the face. Today I am not going to be strong, I have cried and I will probably cry some more...and I am not just going to let it go for now b/c it really bothers me.....

Here is what happened: (This is just the background story.)

A few months ago a freind/close co-worker was having a baby, she didn't know the sex but if it was going to be a boy she planned on naming him Jack. She told me this a day before she was to be induced. To her face I told her to do what she needed to do but inside I was weeping. I couldn't imagine hearing her call to her baby Jack, I didn't want to hear her Jack's giggle or hear about his first steps....when I would NEVER get to do that with my Jack. (We were going to call Jackson - Jack for short, and I had voiced this over the course of my pregnancy) I have a hard enough time seeing the name Jackson or Jack when I don't even know the person....never-mind someone I would see all the time....every time I do I ache inside b/c I miss him so much. In the end she had a girl and at time I didn't have to deal with it. 6 months later I decided to talk to her about it b/c I was still upset about it....we talked about it and basically she said that she was going to use that name in the future if she has a boy b/c it was important to her...and I just decided to let it go....she wasn't going to see my point and I realized that she never would. I moved on, thinking I wouldn't have to worry about it for a while.....

Then another friend/close co-worker decides to tell me the day before she is to be induced that they have decided to use the name Jack....now at the time that all this had happened with the other friend - this friend told me that she too loved that name, but would never do that to be b/c she knows how hard it is for me....I guess she forgot that. So now, she has had her baby, named Jack and I am lost. I know how childish it sounds, but I don't want to see her, I don't want to hear about him and I just feel done. I am hurt, I am angry and I don't want to deal with this crap....

I know that unless you have experienced a loss you don't really get it....and I know I am hurt on two levels - the first obviously being that I am sad that Jackson is not here, and that I have to hear/see her Jack do all the things that my Jack never got to do...and on the other level I am hurt b/c I felt like I lost a friend through this....I thought we were closer. My best girlfriends are all disgusted and say that there is no way that they would ever do that to me....and I, of course, would never do that to someone....but once again I was burned....and it really sucks.

7 comments:

  1. wow. i think you have ever right to be upset! i would be devastated if someone close to be used blake or ethan...it would just destroy me. i am so sorry that they would put you in this position. it makes my heart so sad for you...do what you need to. be gentle with yourself....

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  2. I know exactly how you feel. I have learnt who my 'real friends' are since losing Angel and believe me honey, i am not left with many!!
    ps, my waters went early too
    angelthebrighteststar.blogspot.com
    xxxx

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  3. Linda - I learned that there are truly some amazing friends through Colton's passing - but I have also learned the others exist too - those who don't have a clue and just can't fathom what we go through.
    I have gained new friends through my experience too - for this I am very grateful. I hope that is the same for you too!

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  4. :( I am so sorry..that would upset me too..there is a lady at church who has a grand daughter named Ella, who is (would be) the same age as our Ella, and everytime she mentions this or that about her, its a small stab in my already aching heart..I don't get it..and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this..

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  5. you are right. Some people just don't get it. I am so sorry you are faced with this pain. I would be hurt as well. *huge hugs*

    On a side note, I have really learned who are my friends and who are not in this process....it downright sucks!!

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  6. It is so sad that even your "understanding friend" didn't come through for you. I am so sorry this continues to happen.

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