So...I am pregnant. I just found out a few days ago (after several positive at home tests). There are so many emotions that are going through me...for the past few day I have been happy and excited but as of right now I am stressed and overwhelmed...and scared.
My LMP was May 25th....yes, in Cuba...but it all worked out in the end b/c here we are. The nice part about this is we weren't trying....we weren't not trying either, we were just having sex for the fun of it and I was enjoying sex again. We had no immediate plans to start trying b/c I wasn't sure I could handle another pregnancy loss again so soon...so we thought we would maybe start trying at the end of summer....well, that didn't happen. I guess people are right when they say stop trying and it will happen.
This makes me due Mar 1st/11 - if of course I make it that far. Right now as I write this I am 5 weeks and 2 days...next week I will get a beta drawn and then a week after that I will have an u/s to see if they can see a heartbeat. This brings me a lot of anxiety b/c last pregnancy my beta levels were great, but when they went to do the u/s all they saw was an empty gestational sac....so here is hoping that the little bean is growing in there....
Every time I go to the bathroom I hold my breath as I wipe in fear that I will see blood on the toilet paper....how does one get over the constant fear of a miscarriage or another loss when that is all I have come to personally know?
Another thing that is stressing me out is that I have Anti - E antibodies present in my blood which puts this baby at right for Hemolytic Disease of the Newborn. Now I know I am getting way ahead of myself...but it scares me. Basically they test your levels through out the pregnancy and make sure they don't get too high - if they do they have to do frequent ultrasounds and monitor baby closely to make sure s/he is not becoming anemic and worst case scenario the baby would need an Inter-Uterine blood transfusion....and possibly be delivered early. Now this is worst case scenario - but look at my obstetrical history and lets be honest - I am just scared....to be pregnant, sacred to stay pregnant and so desperately wanting everything to be okay.
One day at a time....
Post number 2:
So after having not very much sleep last night I emailed my OB and asked her about the Anti-E issue. She said that there in no sense in stressing about it now, but what we will do is just do regular blood work and watch my levels when we get (if we get) further along in the pregnancy.
She is right - I know that but still.....One funny thing I wanted to mention. I told my OB (luckily b/c we work so closely together and b/c she has been there with me through everything, we have a close relationship...so I tell her about all my fears....) I told her about how I was scared to see blood when I wipe...and her response was " try to just close your eyes when you wipe (then you'll laugh because you'll be thinking of me, and how bizarre is that!" At least then I won't be thinking about the possibility of bleeding. I laughed out loud when I read that! At least I am still laughing....
Post Number 3:
As I write this I am really trying not to vomit....the severe nausea and vomiting usually start around 7-8 week for me, and I usually throw everything I eat up...I did this with Jackson until the day he was born....so I have been preparing myself for it again - but let me tell you - I had forgotten how awful it is. Saltine crackers will become my new staple very soon!
I am going to get blood work this morning - and I am scared. I want to know what my beta is but I am scared to know as well.
Also, I talked to my OB about the Anti-E issue and she told me to try to relax about it. Once I get far enough, we will watch my levels and go from there. There is no sense stressing about it now. OK....off I go to get blood work. I will post the beta level when I know it!
Post # 4
16381 - that is my beta! A lot higher than I thought it was going to be! I am happy and stressed. I am not going to get too excited until I have an u/s and they actually see something. B/c with the Blighted Ovum last time that was what happened. However, my beta was not as high last time on the first draw either!
The plan is to repeat blood work this Friday and then have the u/s on the 14th! We will see....
Post # 5
I forgot how awful I feel when I am pregnant. The nausea and vomiting are brutal. I am not complaining though, I know how hard it is for some people to get where I am - and for me to stay where I am. I just hope that in the end I get a baby out of this - a baby that stays with me here on earth!
Post # 6 ~ 6w1d
So to catch up....I had a second beta drawn at work on Friday and it wasn't where I thought it should be (26,200) so I had a panic attack. I asked to have an u/s done and within 20 mins I was getting it done. That is why I love where I work - everyone cares so much and I have such quick access to these things. After an agonizing 20 mins of her scanning my tummy and not telling me anything I couldn't contain the tears anymore. I just remember laying on the table looking at the ceiling thinking that I had another blighted ovum. After I went upstairs to get the results and....they saw a HEARTBEAT!!! I was and still am pregnant!!!! By their dates I was 6w1d and by my LMP I was 6w3d so I am pretty close. So there is it I am pregnant and there is a fetal heartbeat....but I am still scared to death!
Post # 7 ~ 6w6d
I called in sick for my two night shifts...I feel horrible. I am throwing up everything I eat and feel so nauseous all the time.....but I will take it! Through the whining and tears I am really really happy to be here!! I have felt this way with all my pregnancies and knew what to expect...but I will just state for the record it is pretty nasty. After I eat anything I have this overwhelming feeling of fullness - all the way up to the back of my throat....and then, usually within 10-30mins the food comes back up...it is like my digestion has stopped or something and all the food just sits there. It is nasty! I am taking Diclectin and hoping it will help soon....it didn't really with Jackson but this is a different pregnancy and a different baby so we will see.
Where do I go from here? Well I see my OB on Friday to go over all the details....but we are just going day by day crossing all of our fingers. I will have another u/s around 9weeks for my own sanity and then the 12 week IPS u/s....and after that if I get far enough along I will see a Perinatologist to go over my history and the Anti E stuff. But like I have said all along we will just take it one day at a time!!!
Post # 8 - 8 weeks (Tuesday July 20th, 2010)
Yesterday I had another mini freak out at work. I have been feeling better for the past few days - no nausea, no vomiting...which scared me b/c I assumed that there was something wrong. But thankfully, everything is fine. I had an u/s done and I am 8 weeks along, and the heartbeat was 161 and then 154. I was so relived - but at the same time I wonder how the hell I am going to get through the next 32 weeks of this pregnancy without continuously freaking out. I know I need to relax, but it is so scary to have no control....and as much as I would love to just enjoy the ride - easier said than done!!
Today I am feeling okay - a bit of nausea, but no vomiting. Maybe this will be the new norm for me - I guess I need to accept that this pregnancy will be different, and considering my past, maybe different is okay.