Thursday, September 30, 2010

Team Pink! 18w4d

We are having a baby GIRL!!!

We had our u/s today and everything went really well. Everything is normal, my cervix is measuring 4.1 cm and to top it off we found out we were are having a baby girl. We were both shocked and so so happy. We really were thinking boy. The more I thought about it the happier it was, in a way it makes it easier. I know it is a different pregnancy, I know it is a different baby - but with it being a different gender it makes me think it will (hopefully, fingers crossed!) be okay!

I am holding back the urge to by cute little outfits until at least 24 weeks....but in the mean time I don't think you could wipe the smile off my face. I am enjoying every single minute of this pregnancy!!

Now to think of names!!!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

2 years without you

My dear sweet little boy,

I still can't believe that 2 years have come and gone. I miss you today, like I miss you everyday. But instead of being sad that you are gone I want to thank you for all you have taught, shown and given me over the last 2 years. There were times when I didn't think I could go on without you here, but somewhere deep inside I found the strength to put one foot in front of the other...and I really do believe that you had a lot to do with that.

Having you in my life, even if it was for such a short time changed me, it made really realize who and what are important - because of you I am trying not to sweat the small stuff anymore. Because of you I have met some amazing people, many of who have also lost their little ones, and it brings me comfort to think that you are all up there playing together, every once in a while looking down at us and smiling.

I know you know that we are having another baby - but I also know that you know that this baby will never, ever replace you. I am sad that, like us, this baby will never know his or her big brother in person, but I promise you that they will know all about you and all that you taught us since. By us knowing and having you, I hope that this baby will be kinder, more loving and more gentle because of you.

With tears running down my face I know I don't need to be sad because you are in a good place, but know that I love you, miss you and think about you each and every single day.

Love you forever and always,

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Butterfly Release - 17w6d

Before I tell you about my day I wanted to say that for me butterflies have always been the thing I associate Jackson with. Over the past 2 years, whenever I see a butterfly it makes me smile, and I feel like Jackson is right there with me. Butterflies bring me a sense of calm, so it is pretty neat that they held the butterfly release the day before Jackson's anniversary.

Today was the 3rd annual Butterfly Release for Bereaved Families in York Region. I actually didn't even know about the Butterfly Release until I drove by a sign and looked into it. When I did look into it I realized I had missed the ordering date and didn't think more about it, until a good friend, Lea - messaged and told me she inquired and was able to order Butterflies for both her son Nicholas and Jackson. I am so lucky to have such great people in my life.

We went together this morning and it was a nice ceremony, some readings, so songs and they took the time to call out every single one of the people who were being remembered. Then everyone had butterflies that were in a little container that you were to open up. It apparently take the butterflies a moment or two to acclimatize and come around from sleeping inside. Well - when I opened my box it was a smaller baby butterfly, just by chance. It took him the longest time to really wake up and then he pretty much just hung out with me, on my hand, on my shirt. It felt right, like Jackson was sticking around a bit longer to hang out with his mommy - like he was too little to go out on his own. We got some beautiful pictures of Jackson's butterfly on my baby bump - like he was saying hello to his little brother or sister. We also got some nice shots of Nichloas and Jackson's butterflies together. It was really a nice event.

So as hard as tomorrow is for me, today made it just a little bit easier.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

One thing after another...17w5d

So I saw my OB at work and she pulled me aside wanting to tell me about my IPS 2 screening. She told me that one of my levels was low -my Papp A level. Papp A has really only been paid attention to over the last year, and the most significant risk factor with Low Papp A is small birth weight or IUGR. Of course, when she told me I cried.

The most significant thing with Papp A is low birth weight, but there is also increased risks of other things I don't even want to write about or say. Needless to say they will be doing more testing and extra ultrasounds to ensure that everything is normal.

Then I thought about it and I have seen so many mom's come in lately with booked inductions for Low Papp A and there babies were fine, most of them were normal birth weights.

I just wanted everything to be as normal and low risk as possible and with each week I keep finding crap out, but then I remind myself it could be worse. All of my other testing was normal...and maybe it will all be fine.

On the bright side, hopefully this means I won't have to push out a 9+ lbs baby! Ha - I made a joke about all this...I am coping better than I thought!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Anxiety - my new middle name. 17w3d

So this week has been really hard. I thought that I was doing better dealing with this week - but I am not. This week is the week that my world came to a crashing halt 2 years ago. Yesterday, 2 years ago my water broke...and being pregnant this year makes it really hard. Last year was difficult, but this year is complicated.

I made it through the day yesterday by just watching the hours go by. Luckily I was at work, which was a distraction and was great b/c I got the take the time to go and listen to the baby's heartbeat - which is a beautiful sound.

Now I just need to get through the rest of this week...but the hard part is that I think I am having anxiety attacks. I find myself really short of breath - out of nowhere. It has happened a few times, sometimes when I am just sitting down and other times when I am just trying to sleep at night. It is like I can't breath, I can't take a deep breath and it is really scary. It actually happened at work and the OB on call did a bunch of tests and everything was normal - which makes me think it is anxiety. He said that air hunger is common in pregnancy, but this is different - plus my belly is still small and my uterus is not compressing my diaphram...not yet anyway.

I also have one episode of crazy irrational thinking where all I could think was that something bad happened and maybe the baby died - and I wouldn't know until my 18 week u/s - and I couldn't walk around with a dead baby inside of me (sorry, I know how awful and graphic that sounds but that was all I could think). I tried to sleep that night and just had nightmare after first thing in the morning I called my OB and went into her office so she could listen to the heartbeat...and as soon as she heard it I started to cry, not just dry, sob. Saying how happy I was to hear it, but how scared I was that something was going to happen. She was so great with me talking with me for a long time...she said I can go to her office everyday and we can listen or I can go to work 24/7 and listen there...which was reassuring. I also decided that I might just buy a Doppler and listen at home....

So as this week moves forward I am trying to learn how to accept that I am pregnant and that I might actually get a baby out of this....what a novel idea! I wish I had that innocent ignorance that first time moms have where they think that everything will just be perfect - but if I had that I would never have known Jackson, and I never would have met so many people who have become so important in my life.

I end this entry hopeful that this week with a baby in my tummy with ease some of the pain that I have from missing Jackson on a daily basis - not as a replacement but as a little brother or sister that Jackson will smile upon from up above.

Thinking about you today and always little man....xoxo

Monday, September 13, 2010

The damn anxiety is back! 16w1d

Ugh - I woke up this morning filled with anxiety. I am now 16 weeks - hooray me! But with the anniversary of Jackson's birth and death coming up it so easily brings me to tears. In 13 days it will be 2 years - 2 years of grieving, 2 years without my child, 2 years that I have been a different person.

I miss Jackson a lot today - I am sad he is not here, I am sad that he will never play with his little brother or sister. Today I am just really sad.

Along with the sadness I am full of anxiety, the next 5 weeks are going to be so much harder than I thought. My water broke with Jackson at 20w6 days and we delivered him @ 22 weeks. How can I not be afraid that it won't happen again? How do I deal with the anxiety that comes along with each and everyday that brings me closer to that milestone of 22 weeks? How did you all do it?

I know I just have to get through one day at a time, Brian's surgery is coming up and that is keeping us busy, but the worst time is when I am lying in bed trying to sleep - all I think about is Jackson, my water breaking and my postpartum hemorrhage. How do I shut off my brain so I don't drive myself crazy? I will take any and all suggestions!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010 least for now!

I just wanted to write about a moment I had in the car today.

I went to the store to buy a few more pairs of Maternity jeans b/c as my belly grows more and more I am finding it harder and harder to do up my old pants. Brian also wanted me to pick up a name book b/c he is on a kick where he really wants to pick out a name. Driving home from the store I felt the peanut move - I have felt movement for a bit now, I only feel it every now and then, not everyday, but when I do feel like it is a few movements in a row and then nothing for days - but I am still so early so I am just thrilled to be feeling anything at all. So, as I was driving home I had this thought "This is how it is supposed to be." This is what having a baby should be like, I didn't feel scared or anxious, just happy. I had my maternity pants, a baby name book and a smile on my face.

I just want this feeling to stay for as long as it can...and when I am scared and stressed I am going to try to think of that moment and allow myself to be stressed, but then I am going to go back to trying to be happy. (Try to at least!!)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

15 weeks

I know I don't have to say on here that I am not complaining, I am just writing out thoughts and feelings b/c for the most part the people who read my blog have also experienced a loss or are close friends and family - and in turn they through Brian and I experienced a loss too.

I am so happy to be pregnant, to have this life growing inside me brings me so much joy. I have found over the last few weeks I have become much more attached to this baby. It seems like a funny thing to say, but I was so scared to let myself be happy about this pregnancy b/c having it be ripped away from you one too many times hurts too much. But I have crossed the threshold, I am starting to think about how I want the nursery to look, we are talking about names...but it is all still so scary. I am now 15 weeks, I am still holding my breath. I think about how far I have come, but at the same time I think about how far I have to go.

For the first time today I was walking to a friend about this baby's u/s pictures and I said, "I put Jackson's (It took my breath away when I realized what I said) I mean the baby's picture in a frame". I couldn't believe that I called the baby Jackson, but when I think about it, Jackson was all I knew. I need to take time to talk to and bond with this baby...and now that I am letting myself do that I think I am on the right track. And I am sure I will say it again, and if I do I do. It is not like it is a bad word, he was a beautiful little boy who is watching us from up above and hopefully giggling when I say his name.

Physically I am doing alright. I am still so exhausted. I have more days where I feel sick, I don't have much of an appetite b/c as soon as I eat something I feel really full. I know that the baby is getting what it needs b/c they are "like little parasites, they suck the life from you" I have been told (in a joking manner). I am just feeling really lazy and tired and don't feeling like doing anything. But I am okay with that!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Stress @ 14w5d

I write this post a bit stressed out but slightly reassured at the same time. Where do I start?

I had my first cervical length u/s this week and even though it was supposed to reassure me, it is just stressing me out. My cervix was 3.1 cm long and closed, which is great but at the same time I wanted it to be longer. Anything below 2.5 than consider short, and mine is close. I know it is not the same, and mine is still normal. These tests that are supposed to be making me feel better are just stressing me out b/c all I do is over analyze them. And after talking with my OB she even said that 2 cm was okay, and even then it would be a debate to put in a cerclage b/c I don't have a history of preterm labour.

Then there was this morning. I woke up to this weird feeling and a very full bladder. I felt my tummy and my uterus was hard, I could feel the whole thing and it scared the hell out of me. No pain, no bleeding, no cramping. It only lasted 30-45 seconds but in tears I called my OB's office and talked with her for 15 mins. She reassured me that maybe it was a full bladder spasm, after all the uterus is a muscle and it needs to strecht out to fit and acomadate baby. She told me if I wanted to go in for a listen to the heartbeat or an u/s to go in.

I think if it happens again today I will go in, but for the rest of the day I will spend on the couch. I was to work nights tonight and tomorrow but I think staying at home is a much better option for both physical and emotional reasons. One day at a time...and hopefully tomorrow will be a good day...