I know I don't have to say on here that I am not complaining, I am just writing out thoughts and feelings b/c for the most part the people who read my blog have also experienced a loss or are close friends and family - and in turn they through Brian and I experienced a loss too.
I am so happy to be pregnant, to have this life growing inside me brings me so much joy. I have found over the last few weeks I have become much more attached to this baby. It seems like a funny thing to say, but I was so scared to let myself be happy about this pregnancy b/c having it be ripped away from you one too many times hurts too much. But I have crossed the threshold, I am starting to think about how I want the nursery to look, we are talking about names...but it is all still so scary. I am now 15 weeks, I am still holding my breath. I think about how far I have come, but at the same time I think about how far I have to go.
For the first time today I was walking to a friend about this baby's u/s pictures and I said, "I put Jackson's (It took my breath away when I realized what I said) I mean the baby's picture in a frame". I couldn't believe that I called the baby Jackson, but when I think about it, Jackson was all I knew. I need to take time to talk to and bond with this baby...and now that I am letting myself do that I think I am on the right track. And I am sure I will say it again, and if I do I do. It is not like it is a bad word, he was a beautiful little boy who is watching us from up above and hopefully giggling when I say his name.
Physically I am doing alright. I am still so exhausted. I have more days where I feel sick, I don't have much of an appetite b/c as soon as I eat something I feel really full. I know that the baby is getting what it needs b/c they are "like little parasites, they suck the life from you" I have been told (in a joking manner). I am just feeling really lazy and tired and don't feeling like doing anything. But I am okay with that!