Sunday, September 5, 2010

15 weeks

I know I don't have to say on here that I am not complaining, I am just writing out thoughts and feelings b/c for the most part the people who read my blog have also experienced a loss or are close friends and family - and in turn they through Brian and I experienced a loss too.

I am so happy to be pregnant, to have this life growing inside me brings me so much joy. I have found over the last few weeks I have become much more attached to this baby. It seems like a funny thing to say, but I was so scared to let myself be happy about this pregnancy b/c having it be ripped away from you one too many times hurts too much. But I have crossed the threshold, I am starting to think about how I want the nursery to look, we are talking about names...but it is all still so scary. I am now 15 weeks, I am still holding my breath. I think about how far I have come, but at the same time I think about how far I have to go.

For the first time today I was walking to a friend about this baby's u/s pictures and I said, "I put Jackson's (It took my breath away when I realized what I said) I mean the baby's picture in a frame". I couldn't believe that I called the baby Jackson, but when I think about it, Jackson was all I knew. I need to take time to talk to and bond with this baby...and now that I am letting myself do that I think I am on the right track. And I am sure I will say it again, and if I do I do. It is not like it is a bad word, he was a beautiful little boy who is watching us from up above and hopefully giggling when I say his name.

Physically I am doing alright. I am still so exhausted. I have more days where I feel sick, I don't have much of an appetite b/c as soon as I eat something I feel really full. I know that the baby is getting what it needs b/c they are "like little parasites, they suck the life from you" I have been told (in a joking manner). I am just feeling really lazy and tired and don't feeling like doing anything. But I am okay with that!

3 comments:

  1. I'm glad that you're allowing yourself to love and get attached to your new baby! It's scary to just follow your heart but enjoy every moment and embrace them!

    Go be lazy and take a nap! Hopefully, you're off tomorrow for the holiday and can take a long nap!

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  2. I too sometimes when I "talk" the the baby, I call it Wubba. I have to remind myself that this is going to be a whole new child to love and see grow. I will always long for my little man.

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  3. Hey you ~ just catching up. Looking forward to doing it in person. Love you!

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