Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Anxiety - my new middle name. 17w3d

So this week has been really hard. I thought that I was doing better dealing with this week - but I am not. This week is the week that my world came to a crashing halt 2 years ago. Yesterday, 2 years ago my water broke...and being pregnant this year makes it really hard. Last year was difficult, but this year is complicated.

I made it through the day yesterday by just watching the hours go by. Luckily I was at work, which was a distraction and was great b/c I got the take the time to go and listen to the baby's heartbeat - which is a beautiful sound.

Now I just need to get through the rest of this week...but the hard part is that I think I am having anxiety attacks. I find myself really short of breath - out of nowhere. It has happened a few times, sometimes when I am just sitting down and other times when I am just trying to sleep at night. It is like I can't breath, I can't take a deep breath and it is really scary. It actually happened at work and the OB on call did a bunch of tests and everything was normal - which makes me think it is anxiety. He said that air hunger is common in pregnancy, but this is different - plus my belly is still small and my uterus is not compressing my diaphram...not yet anyway.

I also have one episode of crazy irrational thinking where all I could think was that something bad happened and maybe the baby died - and I wouldn't know until my 18 week u/s - and I couldn't walk around with a dead baby inside of me (sorry, I know how awful and graphic that sounds but that was all I could think). I tried to sleep that night and just had nightmare after nightmare....so first thing in the morning I called my OB and went into her office so she could listen to the heartbeat...and as soon as she heard it I started to cry, not just dry, sob. Saying how happy I was to hear it, but how scared I was that something was going to happen. She was so great with me talking with me for a long time...she said I can go to her office everyday and we can listen or I can go to work 24/7 and listen there...which was reassuring. I also decided that I might just buy a Doppler and listen at home....

So as this week moves forward I am trying to learn how to accept that I am pregnant and that I might actually get a baby out of this....what a novel idea! I wish I had that innocent ignorance that first time moms have where they think that everything will just be perfect - but if I had that I would never have known Jackson, and I never would have met so many people who have become so important in my life.

I end this entry hopeful that this week with a baby in my tummy with ease some of the pain that I have from missing Jackson on a daily basis - not as a replacement but as a little brother or sister that Jackson will smile upon from up above.

Thinking about you today and always little man....xoxo


  1. Thinking about your little man with you, sweet Linda. You are always in my heart... look forward to seeing you.

  2. Wow... what a coincidence that we share the same middle name! Not to make light of your feelings... I just want to let you know that you are not alone.

    Last year at this time all was well in my pregnancy and a week later my baby girl's heart stopped beating. Oct 1st will be one year since she was born and as happy as I am to be pregnant right now, the anxiety I feel is getting higher each day.

    Day by day is all we can do right now for our little babes. xo

    Please feel free to contact me at any time if you want to chat.