So this week has been really hard. I thought that I was doing better dealing with this week - but I am not. This week is the week that my world came to a crashing halt 2 years ago. Yesterday, 2 years ago my water broke...and being pregnant this year makes it really hard. Last year was difficult, but this year is complicated.
I made it through the day yesterday by just watching the hours go by. Luckily I was at work, which was a distraction and was great b/c I got the take the time to go and listen to the baby's heartbeat - which is a beautiful sound.
Now I just need to get through the rest of this week...but the hard part is that I think I am having anxiety attacks. I find myself really short of breath - out of nowhere. It has happened a few times, sometimes when I am just sitting down and other times when I am just trying to sleep at night. It is like I can't breath, I can't take a deep breath and it is really scary. It actually happened at work and the OB on call did a bunch of tests and everything was normal - which makes me think it is anxiety. He said that air hunger is common in pregnancy, but this is different - plus my belly is still small and my uterus is not compressing my diaphram...not yet anyway.
I also have one episode of crazy irrational thinking where all I could think was that something bad happened and maybe the baby died - and I wouldn't know until my 18 week u/s - and I couldn't walk around with a dead baby inside of me (sorry, I know how awful and graphic that sounds but that was all I could think). I tried to sleep that night and just had nightmare after nightmare....so first thing in the morning I called my OB and went into her office so she could listen to the heartbeat...and as soon as she heard it I started to cry, not just dry, sob. Saying how happy I was to hear it, but how scared I was that something was going to happen. She was so great with me talking with me for a long time...she said I can go to her office everyday and we can listen or I can go to work 24/7 and listen there...which was reassuring. I also decided that I might just buy a Doppler and listen at home....
So as this week moves forward I am trying to learn how to accept that I am pregnant and that I might actually get a baby out of this....what a novel idea! I wish I had that innocent ignorance that first time moms have where they think that everything will just be perfect - but if I had that I would never have known Jackson, and I never would have met so many people who have become so important in my life.
I end this entry hopeful that this week with a baby in my tummy with ease some of the pain that I have from missing Jackson on a daily basis - not as a replacement but as a little brother or sister that Jackson will smile upon from up above.
Thinking about you today and always little man....xoxo