Monday, September 13, 2010

The damn anxiety is back! 16w1d

Ugh - I woke up this morning filled with anxiety. I am now 16 weeks - hooray me! But with the anniversary of Jackson's birth and death coming up it so easily brings me to tears. In 13 days it will be 2 years - 2 years of grieving, 2 years without my child, 2 years that I have been a different person.

I miss Jackson a lot today - I am sad he is not here, I am sad that he will never play with his little brother or sister. Today I am just really sad.

Along with the sadness I am full of anxiety, the next 5 weeks are going to be so much harder than I thought. My water broke with Jackson at 20w6 days and we delivered him @ 22 weeks. How can I not be afraid that it won't happen again? How do I deal with the anxiety that comes along with each and everyday that brings me closer to that milestone of 22 weeks? How did you all do it?

I know I just have to get through one day at a time, Brian's surgery is coming up and that is keeping us busy, but the worst time is when I am lying in bed trying to sleep - all I think about is Jackson, my water breaking and my postpartum hemorrhage. How do I shut off my brain so I don't drive myself crazy? I will take any and all suggestions!

2 comments:

  1. for me it was hard getting to the point where we lost Jonathan. I had to remind myself several times that the docs were doing more to ensure the safety of this pregnancy and as long as you have that you can only take it one day at a time and leave it in God's hands as hard as that is *hugs* I will pray for you and your sweet baby.

    ReplyDelete
  2. When anxiety hits me in the middle of the night, I pray. I say my prayers and if my mind goes off again, I start all over. Prayer calms me. Maybe you could also get some headphones and listen to some soothing songs. You can try to concentrate on the song and fall asleep. Distraction is the key.

    ReplyDelete