Thursday, November 4, 2010

23w4d - Life as I know it....overwhelming!

I have been meaning to post on here for a few weeks, but life has been a bit overwhleming lately. Where do I start?

I made it past 22 weeks - for me that is HUGE! I am officially farther than I have ever been in my 4 pregnancies. Overall I am feeling good, she is moving a lot and reminding me how happy I am to be pregnant. I am learning about the discomforts of pregnancy, but I will gladly take them anyday....

I feel like a weight is lifted off of me, but at the same time I know I still have far to go. My first goal after 22 weeks was to get to 24 weeks -which is Sunday...if I make it there this baby will be considered viable...which in the eyes of a medical professional is huge...but at the same time I am still so scared. Until she is in my arms crying I don't think I will feel totally okay....I think it has a lot to do with work. Lately we have had too many losses I even want to think about...early losses, second trimester, third trimester and even full term ones and it is just a reminder to me how we have no control and it is terrifying. It just hurts my heart to think about all the sadness and pain these women are going to feel, and nothing can make it better but time.

I go back and forth from being so happy to be pregnant, to feel this little life moving inside me...and on those days it is great. I even did a baby registry and am getting excited about decorating the nursery (Brian even surprised me with having the nursery painted when I got home from work yesterday) :o)

But then I have days where I think about how fast it all could be gone and I think am I stupid for doing a registry and painting the nursery....am I just going to have to return everything anyway? I hate having those thoughts but the truth of the matter is it happened once and I am so so scared it will happen again.

Last week I saw my OB b/c I thought I had a bladder infection and it turns out I was right - and I lost it. I was so scared that this infection would cause my water to break that..it brought me back to that awful dark and scary place where I didn't want to go again. All I could think was what if? What if last time I didn't know I had a bladder infection and that is what caused my water to break?? Because we don't know why it happened last time, all I could think was maybe this was why...and I lost it. I was crying and thought that for sure we would lose the baby. Now the rational part of me knows that bladder infections are common in pregnancy and when treated don't usually can an issue. So after talking to my OB on the phone for what seemed like an hour, she calmed me down enough to help me see that. She even offered to admit me to the hospital for IV antibiotics to get rid of the infection sooner - but she said that would just be for my anxiety....in the end, I took the oral antibiotics and am just now waiting to see if my follow up urine test is clear (which I am pretty sure it is b/c I don't feel the pain in my back like I did last week).

Brian is doing well - recovering nicely from his surgery - he is able to walk and it for limited amounts of time. He has been out of the house a few times, to the grocery store ect for little trips...he is still in a lot of pain, but has been able to cut back on his painkillers so that is good. He sees the specialist on the 10th and then we will have a physio plan and a estimated date for his return to work - which I am guessing won't be until the new year....gosh, that is crazy to think that the new year isn't far off.

The one frustration with his being off is his EI got messed up, and though we are fine financially b/c we saved up knowing he would be off it looks like it might be another month before he actually gets paid - 2 months without his income sucks, but I guess it is preparing us for me being off on mat leave...

So day by day we are getting there...I have booked an appt for a 3D u/s which I am really excited about...I will post another update soon! Hopefully on Sunday when I will be 24 weeks!

3 comments:

  1. Yay for 24 weeks (hugs). I want to say the worry goes away but it hasn't for me and I am practically full term. I think it goes away when the baby is in your arms.

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  2. It is very scary to imagine being happy. But, I am praying for you to hold your healthy screaming baby.

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  3. You did it. Love you!


    Michelle

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