Sunday, November 28, 2010

27w and looking for advice

The last few days have been odd - I am so excited about my growing belly and this little miracle inside me, but I have been thinking more and more about Jackson. One thing I can say is I never had guilt over what happened, b/c I knew that it wasn't my fault and if I could have change it all I would - but now I am feeling all this guilt about being excited about this baby.

We were watching the movie Click, which makes me cry on a good day anyway - but near the end they are at their son's wedding and I just started to cry, silently at first, but then the tears wouldn't stop and Brian saw how hard I was crying and realized it wasn't from the movie. I told him how sad I was that we would never get to go to Jackson's wedding...there are all these things that we are going to get to do with this little one, but never ever will be be able to do them with our little boy. How do I stop myself from going there, I am so scared I am going to feel guilty about enjoying the experiences with this little girl because we never got to do it all with Jackson. I am sad for him and I am sad for me. But I don't know stop these feelings - feelings of guilt and just the overwhelming sadness that he isn't here.

Don't get me wrong - I am so excited to meet this little girl, I am so excited to watch her learn and grow. I can't wait to hear her cry and see her smile...but it just hurts that I never got to do it all with Jackson.

BML's who have had a successful pregnancy after a loss - What is it like seeing and holding your rainbow baby for the first time? Did you have these feelings too? What did you do with the feelings? Brian was so sweet last night - he said that when this little one was old enough we would tell her all about Jackson, who he was and how he plays such a big role in our lives...then he said that the two of us (this baby and I) would have a good cry...

BML's who are pregnant now - have you felt these feelings too?

One day at a time I know, and I am getting there. 27 weeks! Hooray me! This is all uncharted territory for me and I must admit it is a bit exciting, but a bit scary!


  1. These feelings are so completely normal.... extremely hard to deal with and work through, but normal all the same. You were there when we had Madison, held her for the first time. So over the top emotional... something you can't really explain. It's something you have to feel... and you will. I had (still do to some degree) such a hard time dealing with my "mommy guilt". Guilt for not being able to keep Nicholas safe. Guilt for getting pregnant again and bringing a healthy, beautiful baby home when I couldn't bring him home. Guilt for placing her in "his" cradle, "his" nursery. It's impossible not to go there. I think it's important to realize that these feelings are part of our healing. All part of our way of dealing from day to day. It's also important to realize that Jackson is helping his sister every step of the way, not to mention his mommy.... he wants you to be happy. He wants this for you.

    I love how Brian vowed to keep Jackson's memory alive. Your daughter will know she has a big brother.... she is one special little girl. She has her very own guardian Angel.

    Love you,

  2. I was just discussing this very thing on a FB group and here are my thoughts:

    I am constantly conflicted by mourning the loss of Claire while trying to be excited about Cinco's arrival. It is a tough spot to be in and I constantly feel guilty for being happy about the new babe while I know that new babe wouldn't be growing if Claire hadn't passed away. No advice for you (great, right?!) I just wanted to let you know that it is completely normal and confusing and frustrating and you are not alone! ♥

    If you are on FB and would like to join the Rainbow Room please do (!/home.php?sk=group_126921847361960). It is a bunch of moms expecting their rainbow babes and we chat about all of our feelings all of the time. It is comforting to have instant feedback!


  3. This is a tough one!! Especially with the holidays I have had some very conflicted feelings. I want all my babies with me!! I know that if I hadn't lost Jonathan I wouldn't have Joshua. I just imagine having to baby boys running around the house and miss Jonathan that much more.

    To answer your original question, holding your rainbow is amazing. I remember that once he was born the first thing I wanted to hear was a cry and when I heard it, I knew everything would be ok. I never got to hear Jonathan cry. I held him and realized he was here. He was my baby boy and he needed me.

    Its all so bittersweet, but I do promise you this...once your rainbow is in your arms, you will feel joy again. *hugs* I am so sorry for being so late to respond. I am very behind on blogs. :(