The last few days have been odd - I am so excited about my growing belly and this little miracle inside me, but I have been thinking more and more about Jackson. One thing I can say is I never had guilt over what happened, b/c I knew that it wasn't my fault and if I could have change it all I would - but now I am feeling all this guilt about being excited about this baby.
We were watching the movie Click, which makes me cry on a good day anyway - but near the end they are at their son's wedding and I just started to cry, silently at first, but then the tears wouldn't stop and Brian saw how hard I was crying and realized it wasn't from the movie. I told him how sad I was that we would never get to go to Jackson's wedding...there are all these things that we are going to get to do with this little one, but never ever will be be able to do them with our little boy. How do I stop myself from going there, I am so scared I am going to feel guilty about enjoying the experiences with this little girl because we never got to do it all with Jackson. I am sad for him and I am sad for me. But I don't know stop these feelings - feelings of guilt and just the overwhelming sadness that he isn't here.
Don't get me wrong - I am so excited to meet this little girl, I am so excited to watch her learn and grow. I can't wait to hear her cry and see her smile...but it just hurts that I never got to do it all with Jackson.
BML's who have had a successful pregnancy after a loss - What is it like seeing and holding your rainbow baby for the first time? Did you have these feelings too? What did you do with the feelings? Brian was so sweet last night - he said that when this little one was old enough we would tell her all about Jackson, who he was and how he plays such a big role in our lives...then he said that the two of us (this baby and I) would have a good cry...
BML's who are pregnant now - have you felt these feelings too?
One day at a time I know, and I am getting there. 27 weeks! Hooray me! This is all uncharted territory for me and I must admit it is a bit scary....so exciting, but a bit scary!