Saturday, February 27, 2010

These last few days

I went back to work and it did have it's up's and down's. The hardest part was when people asked how I was...that was when I got teary eyed. I tried to submerge myself in work, and that itself was hard.

The one thing I struggle with doing what I do is when we have people come in who are 16 having a baby, or when they are 20 and it is their 3rd....or when they admit to cocaine use (but it was only every other week....GIVE ME A BREAK!) I try really hard not to be judgemental, and I try to remind myself that addiction is a powerful thing, but when I am trying to hard to be a good person, make the right choices and just have one healthy baby and some people can pop kids out with no problems regardless of their life choices frustrates the hell out of me.

I think it is b/c in our society we were raised to believe that if we made the right choices in life and we were "good" people then we would get the things in life we deserve. Well....as I have gone through all this I have learned this isn't true. When I was really angry after losing Jackson I really truly started to believe the opposite.....Bad things happen to good people, and Good things happen to bad people...now I have come to understand and am working on accepting that shit happens to everyone....and hopefully good things will happen for everyone too.

On my second day at work my OB was working and I was able to pull her aside and have a good talk. That is one of the perks of working where I do. I went over some things that we bothering me and she took the time to go over it all. We talked about having testing done - but I had already had some done after Jackson that showed no problems. The hard part is that I have now had 3 losses that are all different and not related in anyway. I have made it past 12 weeks which shows I can carry a pregnancy, and b/c I made it past 12 weeks we know I don't have issues with clotting. All of this is what we would find out in the testing...I just of course want answers, but I will never get them.

Then yesterday I got a really nasty stomach flu. The nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and stomach cramps were brutal. I was off work for one day, but I am finally feeling better now. I am going back in for nights tonight....hopefully it is a good night. I just have to get through it and then I will be off for 5 glorious days!!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Back to work tomorrow

I am supposed to start back to work tomorrow and I definitely have mixed emotions. I don't even really feel like talking to anyone, never mind supporting someone through their labour. That is the hard part about my job, there is no escape from it, I am constantly surrounded. On most days I love it but today it is just too hard.

Some people have said take more time off, but I have already been off for two weeks, and I am starting to go stir crazy, not to mention that your paycheck is always better when you have full time hours on it. The good thing is that there is no pressure. I will go, and can leave at any time. This is one thing I am thankful for - my boss and co-workers are all so understanding.

I had a really hard time sleeping last night, so many of my close friends and family are either pregnant or have recently had babies, and when so many people have what you want so desperately it sometimes makes it harder to get through the day with a smile on your face. You feel like a horrible person for being jealous, but it is hard not to be....I am so happy for each and every one of them but I want my turn too!

I found myself thinking about what my life would be like right now if we hadn't lost Jackson - I don't let myself go there too often b/c it hurts too much and last night was no different. He should be taking his first steps and saying his first words. I wonder what he would look like and who he would be....but I will never know and it hurts my heart.

Then I think about how far I have come in the last 17 months and am proud of myself. Brian and I bought our first house. We have grown as a couple. I have learned that marriage isn't easy - but when you work on things together it gets easier. There have been friendships that have both grown and are no longer b/c of what happened and I am thankful for that - losing Jackson really showed me who my true friends are...and I would rather have a few strong relationships instead of ton of friends you can't really count on.

Don't get me wrong - I still have a long way to go and a lot to figure out...but I will do it one day at a time. I know that there will be both good days and bad ones....I just hope that one day soon I will be holding and loving another baby in my arms.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Where do I begin?

So I am not really sure where to start. I am at a place in my life where I am feeling a bit lost. There has been so much that has happened over the last 17 months, and I feel like I haven't caught up yet.

I guess I will tell you a bit about myself and then go into details about the past. I am married to a great, supportive guy named Brian. One thing I can say is that all of the stuff we have been through has definitely made our marriage stronger. Brian and I were married in 2007 on the beach in Cuba, we were surrounded by family and friends and had the most amazing trip of our lives.

In Sept 2008 our lives took a turn and forever changed who I was. We lost our son. No parent should ever have to hold their child as he takes his first and last breath. No parent should ever have to walk out of a funeral home with their son's ashes. I remember thinking - we are too young for this.

After we lost Jackson I was in a really bad place for a really long time. I remember after about 5 months I started to see the sun shining again. I still felt the pain, but I was starting to feel some happiness in my life again.

After a year we both were ready to try again. After only 2 months of trying we found out we were pregnant, only to have a 6 week loss soon after. The intense emotions had returned - the anger, the sadness. But I thought - we can get through this. I was determined to get pregnant and stay pregnant.

Every month was hard, counting the days until I ovulated, then going through the 2WW (2 week wait), then holding your breath to see if your period would come or not...and when it did it was devastating. There were many times I sat on the toilet and cried.

But, come Jan 24th - my period did not come, and after doing multiple pregnancy tests at home I drew a beta at work. It was high, and I was on cloud nine! I was pregnant and already feeling horrible! (With Jackson I vomited multiple times a day for the entire 5 1/2 months). I went for my early 6 week u/s and it showed an empty gestational sac. I was told to be prepared b/c it looked like it might be a Blighted Ovum. I was crushed. I didn't, and still don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I waited 9 days and did a repeat u/s and the gestational sac was still empty. I had a D&C this past Friday. Physically I am doing alright, but emotionally I am lost. So I thought I would try writing this and see if I would feel better after I got it all out.

I kept past journals and I will enter them on here as well. Kind of a way for me to get it all out. Here is hoping it helps.