Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Catching up...

Well, it has been awhile since I last posted but I have been busy and for some reason not really felt like writing. I am not really sure what that was about but here I am, catching up on the last few weeks.

I spoke with my Dr. about antidepressants - and she very kindly reminded me that it had not even yet been a month since my most recent loss (at the time). For some bizarre reason I had forgotten how recent it was and I decided to give myself a break. The hardest part about it was that it brought up so many memories of losing Jackson - but I am dealing with that all still and I also have to give myself a break regarding that.

My work is having a memorial day at the hospital for all the losses in the last year, and even before that as well. I really hope that this turns into an annual memorial day, I think it would be really nice for all of us mothers out there to have a day where we can gather and lean on each other for support. The problem is that my Mother-in-law's (who I love dearly) retirement party is on the same day. I am not sure of the time of the retirement party yet, but I am hoping I can figure something out.

Work has been really busy lately - which is both good and bad. I had a patient just last week come in in labour. She was only 33 weeks and her first son, named Jack died a week after he was born. Since then they have had a successful pregnancy where they had a little girl. We took the time to talk about her Jack and my Jackson and of course cried. They didn't know what they were having, and once she delivered they saw they had another beautiful little boy. That was an emotional day. I was so happy for them - and it gave me hope that one day I will too have a baby in my arms that is mine.

I am back to work tomorrow - working over Easter. I hope everyone has a great Easter weekend surrounded by family and friends.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Struggling...

I had a really "real" conversation with one of my best friends today. It amazes me how she truly sees me and what I am going through. She told me she was worried about me and I guess she has a right to be. She said she really wanted to see me with a smile on my face and that she doesn't want me to go deeper into the dark hole of depression. Once I heard those words come out of her mouth I really realized and understood how badly I was coping with everything.

I am just so angry about everything. All of these emotions are back from losing Jackson which will always be hard but what makes it so hard this time is that with this last pregnancy I really thought that everything was going to be okay - my beta levels were rising, I felt horrible - until the u/s there was no sign that there was anything wrong. I let myself get excited, I let myself dream of holding and having a baby at the end - and now, once again I am left with empty arms and an empty heart.

I have been having dreams again lately that I have a baby - and then reality comes crashing in when I wake up and I am left with nothing. I am so tired of being this sad, angry person. I just want to be happy again. I used to laugh and smile - I still have days where I do laugh and smile but it seems like they are far and few between.

After we lost Jackson someone mentioned anti-depressants right away and I was annoyed. I was sad for a reason - my son just died, I thought - I am going to be sad and anti-depressants aren't going to help that. I told myself I would give it time, if it wasn't better I would talk to my Dr. about it. It really did get better - I still missed Jackson and wished he was here with me, but I really did feel like the sun started to shine in my life again and I felt happiness again. Then we had the 6 week loss in Oct - and after that I was sad, but I told myself that we had paid our dues and next time it would all work out. But now, with this loss I am lost. I am back to that really awful place again. I am still sad for a reason - so I am not sure if anti-depressants are going to fix anything but I can't handle this yo-yo of emotions. I will talk to my Dr. about it this week and see what she says. Believe me, if there was a magic pill that fixed everything I would take it in a heartbeat. And I know that anti-depressants aren't going to fix everything - but maybe they will help me get a handle on my emotions.

I am still also really struggling with work. I love my job, but one one hand I feel like I need an break from all things related to pregnancy. Maybe I should look for another job somewhere else that has nothing to do with babies and then when I go to work I would be able to shut my brain off for a bit. On the other hand - I love my job. I love being there for families, helping them bring another life into this world. I would also really miss the support system at work. When I do get pregnant again at work my co-workers understand what I have been through and I wouldn't have to explain a thing. I really just don't know what to do.

After talking with my girl friend today I decided on a few things. I am going to get off my butt and exert some energy, maybe that will help me sleep a bit better too. We are going to take some kickboxing classes together, which should help with the anger issues. I am also going to talk to my Dr. and possibly go see another grief counselor. I am just going to take it one day at a time and then go from there. I guess that is all I can do.

Sometimes it takes someone else to say how they see things to make you open your eyes a bit. Even though it was a hard conversation to have I am glad I talked about all this with her. I am so lucky and thankful to have her in my life. I am not sure if she knows how much she means to me but without her friendship I would be lost. I feel blessed to have her in my life.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

P.S. I Love You

So I am lying in bed, unwinding after a really stressful day at work watching the movie P.S. I Love You - which is a great movie, which I cry through every time I see it. There is a part in the movie, about halfway through when the girls go on their trip to Ireland. They are in the boat, after losing their oars and are just sitting in silence. They purpose of the trip was to spend some girl time together to help her get over the loss of her husband. While in the boat, after a few minutes of silence, her first friend announces she is pregnant and a minute later the other friend announces she is getting married. The two girlfriends are so exicted about both of these things and are laughing, screaming and hugging...and then the camera shows the main characters face (the one who lost her husband and is dealing with the grief of his loss) and I knew exactly what she was thinking...she was shocked/overwhelmed/sad and probably hurt. Of course she was happy that good things were happening to her friends but at the same time it probably felt like a slap in the face.

Hilary Swank is a really good actress b/c seeing the way she acted was like looking in a mirror...now I understand that losing your husband and losing a child are different things, but when you are dealing with the loss of a child and dealing with the grief on a daily basis you kind of feel like your feet are stuck in the mud. It is hard to understand some times that life for everyone else does go on...other people will get married, other people will have babies, all while you are trying to still deal with the fact that your baby is gone.

These people, her friends in the movie, and mine is real life are doing the things that I want to be doing, they are having the experiences I want to be having. And to be excited for them, and be supportive is hard - this doesn't mean I am not happy for them - I really truly am, but it is so much to deal with.

I guess the lesson to take from this movie is to embrace life, enjoy the time you have with the one's you love and live each and everyday with the people you love and with the memories of those who are no longer with us in person. I will try - I make no promises but I will try.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Nasty Stomach flu and some other thoughts...

So I never made it back into work for my night shifts. I caught a really nasty stomach flu, after 4 days I am finally starting to feel a bit better. I think I might have actually had Norwalk virus...nasty nasty stuff!

I wanted to clarify a few things about the testing. I did actually get some testing done (including the thrombophilia work-up) and it all came back negative - which is why my Dr. doesn't think it is necessary to have it done again.

In terms of recovering from this Blighted Ovum and D&C I feel like I am at a standstill. I am stuck in this place and don't know where to go. Physically I am doing alright, it has been 10 days and I am still spotting. No heavy bleeding which is good, but I would really love this spotting to stop. As far as emotionally - I am a bit lost. I still haven't opened the closet that I put baby stuff in. I didn't buy much, but I had such a good feeling about this past pregnancy I had allowed myself get a few small things. Part of me is angry and just wants to grab a garbage bag and throw it all away...but the other part of me hopes that one day there will be a baby for it all.

I am feeling really empty. I was so happy when I was pregnant and now, along with the pregnancy all the hopes and dreams that came along with it are gone too. I have an empty belly and what feels like an empty heart - gosh, that sounds really depressing but it is how I feel.

I want so badly to get pregnant again but I am scared about all the what if's - and the biggest what if is what if I have another loss? I know that without risk there is no reward but a person can only be knocked down so many times before they can't get up anymore.

So that is where I am today, tomorrow might be better, who knows!