Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Times Change - and so do people I guess

I am sitting here reflecting back on the past 2 years of my life....so much has happened. I feel like I am at a good place - I am happier than I was a few months ago, this is something I have been working hard on...

I still think about and miss Jackson everyday - but I am in a better place now, I hate that he is gone but have accepted what happened. That doesn't mean that I still won't be angry about it some days, but overall I am coping better.

As much as I am at peace with my decision to close the door on my friendship with my friend that named her baby Jack - I am feeling like this decision may have also cost me other friendships. I am not really sure why or how I would be the "bad" guy in this situation - and I momentarily felt bad for her - but then I remembered that she got to take her baby home and all this wouldn't have ever happened if she would have chosen a different name. The one thing that would crush me - she did....so I am not sure what I did wrong. I did what I had to do to deal with it and move forward.

I guess if I do lose other friends over this then I am better off without them, I would rather be surrounded by fewer true friends then a bunch of acquaintances. Time changes people - they grow, they have their own life experiences that change them and I respect that - just look at my life.

One day at a time - I think that is my new life motto!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Dealing with it...

So, in regards to my last post I just wanted to say that I am okay...it has been a really rough, emotional few days but I think I have handled in the best way possible for me. After taking some time to think about what I really wanted to say to my friend I decided to send her a message online....I thought about calling but it is such an emotional issue I really wanted to say what I wanted to say without tears getting in the way....and I found writing to be therapeutic.

I send her a message saying how happy I was for her that her baby was here and healthy, and that I knew she would be a great mother....but as much as I was happy for her I was sad. Sad for two reasons....one was b/c her Jack was here and would get to do the things that my Jack would never get to do...and sad b/c I felt like I lost a friend. There was a lot more detail in the letter - but I also said that I needed to do what I need to do now to say healthy and be happy - and sadly, that means not being around her. Every time I hear that name it is like a stab to my already aching heart....and I can't handle that everyday for years to come....and maybe one day it will get a bit easier, but I am not sure that will be anytime soon.

I am sad I lost a friend, but I feel at peace with my decision. I need to be happy, and the best way to do that is focus on me. I need to surround myself with positive people who are there to support me...and if you can't do that, then I don't need you in my life. I don't think that is a lot to ask for from a friend.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Seriously?

I really thought I was done losing friends....since we lost Jackson I really discovered who my real friends were...and I thought I was at the point where I was surrounded by people who really cared and understood.

I just want to say before I explain this whole scenario I just want to say how sick I am of hearing "I would want to never do anything to hurt you" and then that same person goes ahead and does something that they know hurts me.....if you are going to do it...just DO IT and don't tell me how sorry you are for doing....I really don't want to hear it.

I am sick of being the strong one, I am sick of being the one who holds it all it and just goes on with my day when I feel like I am being slapped in the face. Today I am not going to be strong, I have cried and I will probably cry some more...and I am not just going to let it go for now b/c it really bothers me.....

Here is what happened: (This is just the background story.)

A few months ago a freind/close co-worker was having a baby, she didn't know the sex but if it was going to be a boy she planned on naming him Jack. She told me this a day before she was to be induced. To her face I told her to do what she needed to do but inside I was weeping. I couldn't imagine hearing her call to her baby Jack, I didn't want to hear her Jack's giggle or hear about his first steps....when I would NEVER get to do that with my Jack. (We were going to call Jackson - Jack for short, and I had voiced this over the course of my pregnancy) I have a hard enough time seeing the name Jackson or Jack when I don't even know the person....never-mind someone I would see all the time....every time I do I ache inside b/c I miss him so much. In the end she had a girl and at time I didn't have to deal with it. 6 months later I decided to talk to her about it b/c I was still upset about it....we talked about it and basically she said that she was going to use that name in the future if she has a boy b/c it was important to her...and I just decided to let it go....she wasn't going to see my point and I realized that she never would. I moved on, thinking I wouldn't have to worry about it for a while.....

Then another friend/close co-worker decides to tell me the day before she is to be induced that they have decided to use the name Jack....now at the time that all this had happened with the other friend - this friend told me that she too loved that name, but would never do that to be b/c she knows how hard it is for me....I guess she forgot that. So now, she has had her baby, named Jack and I am lost. I know how childish it sounds, but I don't want to see her, I don't want to hear about him and I just feel done. I am hurt, I am angry and I don't want to deal with this crap....

I know that unless you have experienced a loss you don't really get it....and I know I am hurt on two levels - the first obviously being that I am sad that Jackson is not here, and that I have to hear/see her Jack do all the things that my Jack never got to do...and on the other level I am hurt b/c I felt like I lost a friend through this....I thought we were closer. My best girlfriends are all disgusted and say that there is no way that they would ever do that to me....and I, of course, would never do that to someone....but once again I was burned....and it really sucks.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Shoes....

I found this on Lea's blog and it describes my life perfectly. The shoes that I have been forced to wear are so unbearably uncomfortable....but I cannot take them off. I think that sometimes people don't realize that we have to wear these shoes everyday....

I am somewhere in between aching daily as I try to walk in them....those days don't come as often. I am learning to walk in them, but I am no where near the place where I have worn them so long that days go by before I think about how much they hurt.

Though I wish I could change things and give us all our little one's back I feel lucky to know I am no the only one who wears these shoes. By talking with and having the support of these women it makes it much easier to walk in these shoes on a daily basis....b/c until you have walked in them - you really truly have no idea.



Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Monday, June 7, 2010

Cuba and the week since....

Brian and I got back from a lovely vacation a week ago from Cuba. We were married in Cuba in 2007 so I think it will always have a place in my heart. It was a great week spent relaxing by the pool, then by the ocean and then back by the pool....all with a fresh banana daiquiris in hand. I had a few moments I just wanted to reflect on...

The first was just after we took off, the plane had just gotten over the clouds and the sun was shining so bright. The clouds where the big, white fluffy ones...and out of nowhere I felt an overwhelming closeness to Jackson. It was like he was right there and I could feel his presence. I remember thinking this is where he plays all day - up in the clouds....it was really beautiful. With my hand on my heart I shed a few silent tears wishing he was going on vacation with us...but in a way I guess he was.

The other "moment" was a bit harder...it was out last day there and I was laying on the sun chair thinking about going back to work, going back to life, going back to reality...and I just started to cry. I had entire week where I didn't think about all the stress and it was amazing.....I didn't want to come back to the emotional reality of my life.....but obviously we had to come back. I talked with Brian about how we could make life a little less stresssful and we are going to try to adapt those ideas...taking more time for ourselves, trying to look on the positive side of things....ect. We will see how it goes.

This last week has been hard, only b/c I attended a baby shower of a close friend - those are always hard....especially since the baby is going to be a boy. Shopping for baby boy stuff really sucks... At the baby shower one by one my co-workers arrived with their new babies in tow....there were probably 7 or so babies there and 2 pregnant people...and all I could think was Jackson should be playing with these babies. That and I would be due right now if I wouldn't have had my first early loss.....but I made it through and lived to live another day. I know in my heart that one day I will have a baby shower for my own baby and that is what keeps me going.

I just finished 4 busy days at work and now I am off for 5....5 glorious days where I don't have to rush to do anything...and I plan on enjoying everyday of it! I hope everyone has a good week.