Sunday, November 28, 2010

27w and looking for advice

The last few days have been odd - I am so excited about my growing belly and this little miracle inside me, but I have been thinking more and more about Jackson. One thing I can say is I never had guilt over what happened, b/c I knew that it wasn't my fault and if I could have change it all I would - but now I am feeling all this guilt about being excited about this baby.

We were watching the movie Click, which makes me cry on a good day anyway - but near the end they are at their son's wedding and I just started to cry, silently at first, but then the tears wouldn't stop and Brian saw how hard I was crying and realized it wasn't from the movie. I told him how sad I was that we would never get to go to Jackson's wedding...there are all these things that we are going to get to do with this little one, but never ever will be be able to do them with our little boy. How do I stop myself from going there, I am so scared I am going to feel guilty about enjoying the experiences with this little girl because we never got to do it all with Jackson. I am sad for him and I am sad for me. But I don't know stop these feelings - feelings of guilt and just the overwhelming sadness that he isn't here.

Don't get me wrong - I am so excited to meet this little girl, I am so excited to watch her learn and grow. I can't wait to hear her cry and see her smile...but it just hurts that I never got to do it all with Jackson.

BML's who have had a successful pregnancy after a loss - What is it like seeing and holding your rainbow baby for the first time? Did you have these feelings too? What did you do with the feelings? Brian was so sweet last night - he said that when this little one was old enough we would tell her all about Jackson, who he was and how he plays such a big role in our lives...then he said that the two of us (this baby and I) would have a good cry...

BML's who are pregnant now - have you felt these feelings too?

One day at a time I know, and I am getting there. 27 weeks! Hooray me! This is all uncharted territory for me and I must admit it is a bit scary....so exciting, but a bit scary!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

25w3d - 3D U/S

Today we had our 3D u/s - it was such an amazing experience. A bit bittersweet b/c we actually won the certificate when I went to a Mom & Baby Expo when I was pregnant with Jackson (2 days later my water broke). But I held onto it with hope that we would one day get there with another little one and here we are....gosh it is crazy to think of all we have been through since winning the certificate.

But here we are - 25w3d pregnant with our little girl. She was pretty cooperative for the session, we got a lot of profile shots and a few where she was almost looking straight on. She was really active (on account of the Coke I drank before going in...he he he). I swear there is one picture where she is smiling. Check it out:


Overall it was a great experience and I am so happy we did it. 13 more weeks (hopefully she stays in until then!!) and we will meet her. I have my induction booked for Feb 18th - I think that is a fabulous day for a birthday!

Monday, November 8, 2010

24 weeks!!!

24 weeks!!!

Wow - I have been waiting to say that since the beginning! I know I still have about 14 more weeks to go but 24 weeks is huge...in the medical world, in my world - this little bean growing inside me is considered viable....this baby has a chance of surviving if born early. Of course I want her to stay inside for so much longer, but just the fact that I made it here makes want to do a happy dance!!!

With Jackson I was so close to this point, but still so far....but with this little baby I am already here and looking forward to the weeks to come.

I am so happy to be here...next goal 32 weeks! (Which would mean I could deliver at my hospital, which has a level 2 NICU). I am still taking it one day at a time and am still being careful, but it is so hard not to be super excited at this point!

Hooray for me!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

23w4d - Life as I know it....overwhelming!

I have been meaning to post on here for a few weeks, but life has been a bit overwhleming lately. Where do I start?

I made it past 22 weeks - for me that is HUGE! I am officially farther than I have ever been in my 4 pregnancies. Overall I am feeling good, she is moving a lot and reminding me how happy I am to be pregnant. I am learning about the discomforts of pregnancy, but I will gladly take them anyday....

I feel like a weight is lifted off of me, but at the same time I know I still have far to go. My first goal after 22 weeks was to get to 24 weeks -which is Sunday...if I make it there this baby will be considered viable...which in the eyes of a medical professional is huge...but at the same time I am still so scared. Until she is in my arms crying I don't think I will feel totally okay....I think it has a lot to do with work. Lately we have had too many losses I even want to think about...early losses, second trimester, third trimester and even full term ones and it is just a reminder to me how we have no control and it is terrifying. It just hurts my heart to think about all the sadness and pain these women are going to feel, and nothing can make it better but time.

I go back and forth from being so happy to be pregnant, to feel this little life moving inside me...and on those days it is great. I even did a baby registry and am getting excited about decorating the nursery (Brian even surprised me with having the nursery painted when I got home from work yesterday) :o)

But then I have days where I think about how fast it all could be gone and I think am I stupid for doing a registry and painting the nursery....am I just going to have to return everything anyway? I hate having those thoughts but the truth of the matter is it happened once and I am so so scared it will happen again.

Last week I saw my OB b/c I thought I had a bladder infection and it turns out I was right - and I lost it. I was so scared that this infection would cause my water to break that..it brought me back to that awful dark and scary place where I didn't want to go again. All I could think was what if? What if last time I didn't know I had a bladder infection and that is what caused my water to break?? Because we don't know why it happened last time, all I could think was maybe this was why...and I lost it. I was crying and thought that for sure we would lose the baby. Now the rational part of me knows that bladder infections are common in pregnancy and when treated don't usually can an issue. So after talking to my OB on the phone for what seemed like an hour, she calmed me down enough to help me see that. She even offered to admit me to the hospital for IV antibiotics to get rid of the infection sooner - but she said that would just be for my anxiety....in the end, I took the oral antibiotics and am just now waiting to see if my follow up urine test is clear (which I am pretty sure it is b/c I don't feel the pain in my back like I did last week).

Brian is doing well - recovering nicely from his surgery - he is able to walk and it for limited amounts of time. He has been out of the house a few times, to the grocery store ect for little trips...he is still in a lot of pain, but has been able to cut back on his painkillers so that is good. He sees the specialist on the 10th and then we will have a physio plan and a estimated date for his return to work - which I am guessing won't be until the new year....gosh, that is crazy to think that the new year isn't far off.

The one frustration with his being off is his EI got messed up, and though we are fine financially b/c we saved up knowing he would be off it looks like it might be another month before he actually gets paid - 2 months without his income sucks, but I guess it is preparing us for me being off on mat leave...

So day by day we are getting there...I have booked an appt for a 3D u/s which I am really excited about...I will post another update soon! Hopefully on Sunday when I will be 24 weeks!