Saturday, August 6, 2011

I miss you buddy...

I haven't written on here in awhile. Partly b/c I am so busy, but at the same time I have been struggling with some stuff that I just didn't want to deal with. And if it is not in writing, then I am fine right?

Lately I have really been missing Jackson. Like really really missing him. My heart hurts just a little bit more than usual. I feel like as much as some people say they get it and say how sorry they are for our loss - their actions don't exactly point to that. I don't want to get into it b/c I don't want them to be hurt - how ironic is that. What they are doing and what has already been done has crushed me but I am worried about their feelings??

At the same time there are people who are there for me unconditionally and I know that they only have our best intentions at heart - and I should focus on that but it is hard.

For the past few nights I have been rocking Julia to sleep and I sing to her, and one of the songs I sing is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - and when I sing it I have tears running down my face b/c all I think about is Jackson. I hope that he is one of those stars shining down on us from up above...

I hate that I am back here, I hate that I am crying so much again. I hate that it is almost been 3 years since we lost him....I think I really need to start blogging again. I need this outlet to deal with these emotions b/c I don't want to cry every night. I want to remember him with a smile for all he has brought to my life that is good - not all the sadness and pain. I guess this is just the tidal wave that grief is - it comes crashing in, goes out for awhile and then comes crashing in again.

Mommy really really misses you buddy. I wish that you could be here and I could be tucking you in with your little sister. I know you know how much I love you but I just want to remind you again that I love you so so so much.

xxoo Mommy

Monday, July 4, 2011

5 Months old

I know, I know I am terrible at keeping up with this. I have actually started another blog that I am writing to Julia, so this one gets left a little bit! Julia is growing like a little weed!! She is sleeping better, starting to eat rice cereal and is rolling over every which way. She gets stuck on her tummy sometimes but can get back over to her back!!

I am missing Jackson - I find it the hardest when Brian, Julia and I are doing something together. It is like there is someone missing. Then I think about how lucky we are to have Julia and I am thankful for that! I know he is there with us, on our walks or in the pool but it is still a hard pill to swallow. I just miss him and I know that is okay.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Update - 4 months old!!!

Julia is now 4 months old!!

I have no idea where the time has gone but I am trying to soak every moment of it in. I owe that to Jackson, losing him reminds me that everyday with Julia is a blessing. Every single day I have with her I should enjoy, I should cherish it b/c I never got to have those days with him.

Julia is now 11lbs 8oz and is 61cm long - which is small in weight but long in length. I stress a bit about her being small but I try to remember she was 5 weeks early!! We have had a lot of firsts - she has rolled over from her back to her tummy and since then has continued to do it everyday. We went swimming for the first time, and she really liked it. I got her a membership at the Y and signed her up for swimming lessons.

Brian and I had our first date since she was born. We went out for dinner and I had a delicious martini - my first in over a year. It was pretty great!! I miss spending time with him - we are doing our best time spend time with each other but we are both so tired. We are playing baseball every Friday night and Brian's mom comes over to watch Julia so we get that time to ourselves which is nice. The first time we left her I had so much anxiety about it, I knew she would be okay, but you think that you are the only one who really knows what she likes - like how she likes to have her bum patted while falling asleep and how she likes to snuggle after she feeds. Of course she was fine, but I guess that is my job as a Mom - to worry!

The other day Julia and I were laying on the bed and I laughed at something she did - she laughed back at me. This continued for a good 5 was pretty darn cute. I love her little laugh!

Overall we are doing pretty great!!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Family of 4

So I was booking pictures for Julia and the lady asked me how many people were going to be in the photos - I said they would mostly be of Julia but that Brian and I would do one with her. So she said, ok - a family of 3 then. She proceeded with the phone call and when I hung up I was really sad. From the outside world we are a family of 3, but in my heart we are a family of 4. As happy and as excited as I am to do Julia's pictures there is little part of me that is sad too - we never got to take Jackson for his pictures.

I guess I am worried that when we go to do things with Julia, all the things I am excited to do with her like take her to the zoo, take her on trips, play with her at the park - will there always be that little part of me that is sad?

We really do our best to incorporate Jackson into our lives without constantly talking about him to everyone. There are people who I know I can say whatever whenever, but I am smart enough to know that there are other people who aren't as comfortable with it. Hell, there are even some people, even people in my family who pretend like it didn't happen, or at least that is what I think b/c they never really talk to me about him - sorry for that tangent - it is just frustrating b/c when people have kids of their own one would hope it would help them to understand.

Back to what I was saying about including Jackson into our lives - we got our baseball Jerseys and Brian has #26 (both his birthday and Jackson's) and I have #29 for Julia's birthday. It makes me smile to think both Mommy and Daddy have the numbers of our children on our shirts. So on Friday nights it is just another time when I get to think of both of our little one and smile!

Monday, May 2, 2011

3 months old!!

I really don't know where the last 2 months went. Everyday I would say to myself I need to get on the computer and blog....but I was so tired and so busy I never got there. But I am here now....

Julia is now 3 months old!! She weighs 10lbs 8 oz and is doing great! She is so beautiful and I am so in love. I am not sure I can even explain the love I have for her - for those of you who have little ones know what I mean. I could just stare at her forever. She is smiling a ton and is making lots of baby noises. She is so so close to really laughing, it is adorable!!

My fav time with her is bedtime, after I feed her I rock her until she is sleepy and I whisper to her...sometimes it is my hopes and dreams for her, other times I tell her about Jackson. I am so excited for all that is to come, but I am taking the time to enjoy each and every day with her.

A few people have already jokingly asked when are you having another baby. I think people forget how hard it was to get here for us - we weren't one of the lucky ones who can just get and stay pregnant...we lost a son, had two early losses and then we were lucky enough to get and stay pregnant with Julia - and then we were blessed with a living baby who we got to take home. I am in no rush to have another baby - I want to enjoy every single second with Julia. I want to soak in every moment I can with her. I feel so lucky to have her here I am not in a rush to try again...who knows if we will even try again. Right now Jackson and Julia are enough for me.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

1 month check up

Julia had her 1 month check up and she is doing great! She is now up to 7lbs 15oz ~ which is more than 2lbs in the last month b/c she dropped down to 5lbs8oz in the hospital so we are doing something right!

My friend came over and took some adorable pictures of her, I have posted a few. I love the one with Jackson's Angel wings ~ like he is watching over her.

The nights are still really long, but the awesome days make up for it. I keep reminding myself that she was 5 weeks early so she needs time to catch up! She is down for a nap now, so I am going to jump in the shower! Enjoy the pictures!!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Never thought I could be so tired! Just over 4 weeks old!

So here we are - Julia is in my arms as I write this and I couldn't be more happy. I also couldn't be more tired. Nothing can prepare you for the extreme exhaustion - not peeing 17 times a night, not working night shifts...nothing.

To say I am tired is an understatement. We are trying to do the Baby Whisperer - where basically she eats every 3 hrs during the day, after each feed we do some activity so she gets used to staying awake, then she sleeps. At night you are supposed to "tank her up" doing cluster feeds 2 hrs apart x2 and then a dream feed 2 hrs later, where you don't really wake her up, but feed her and put her right back to bed. Today is day 4 - it is going okay, she says not to expect much at first, it takes time for baby to get the routine. It is not a schedule, but a routine. Obviously if she wants to feed more, feed her more. We will see how it goes. There is a lot more to it, but that is the idea of it!

Tomorrow we have our 1 month apt with the Dr. I am anxious to see what she weighs, she definitely feels bigger and she is growing out of some of her newborn outfits. All in all she is doing well. She had a blocked tear duct that managed to clear up after a few days of cleaning it, draining it and using breast milk in it. I never knew that worked, but it does.

Yesterday we went out for a walk -I bundled her up and put her in her sling, and with the dog off we went. I didn't want to take the stroller b/c it is so mucky out with the dirty melted slushy snow. We walked for 45 mins, the sun was shining - it felt so good to be outside. I realized that I need to just suck it up and make a point to get out more - even if it isn't the nicest weather. I think I might just go to the mall and walk around there. Just being in the house is driving me a bit crazy.

Brian has been back to work for just over a week. The hardest part about that is that the nights are all me. I am lucky to say I have a very helpful husband who comes home and cooks dinner and cleans the house when I am too tired too - but a little part of me is jealous that he gets to sleep the night through with ear plugs in. Now of course I feel like a bad mother for saying that - I actually really love the time breastfeeding with Julia, at night time it is so quiet, just her and me - but I am looking forward to the day she sleeps a little better. I know we will get there. And I am not wishing this time away b/c I realize that it goes by so fast, and I also remember (every day) that I didn't get to do this with Jackson.

I had a friend over and Julia was making little noises - and she said that she believes that is when babies are talking to the angels. Who knows if it is true, but I am going to choose to believe that Julia gets to talk to her brother every day, that that is their special time together. Of course, as I type this tears are pouring down my face.

So that is where we are and what is going on. Blogging has been hard b/c I have been so tired...but tomorrow I will post again with an update from the Dr.!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Julia’s Birth Story

Julia’s Birth Story

On Jan 29th just after midnight Brian and I finally got to bed. I remember making a comment to him about how tired I was and how I wished I was done work. (At the time I had 3 more shifts to go). We fell asleep and around 2am I woke up thinking I had peed my pants a little bit, which I know can happen when you are pregnant so I went to the bathroom and went to change my pajama pants. When I bent over to open the drawer of my dresser there was a gush, there was no denying that my water had just broken. I waddled over to the toilet and called out to Brian who was sound asleep. I probably called him 5-8 times before he work up. I told him what happened and he looked panicked. I told him I was going to have a shower and that he should get some stuff organized. In the shower I remember being scared, I was only 35w4d and I know that a baby can and usually does fine being born at this gestation, but when it is all happening to you it is scary.

Luckily I had my bag and the baby’s bag semi packed so we loaded everything into the car, including the dog, who was very confused as to what we were doing at 2:30am. Of course it was snowing and the visibility wasn’t the greatest. At this point I wasn’t that uncomfortable, but as the drive continued I started to cramp and feel the contractions - they were about every 3-4 minutes. Off course, this is the time Brian decides to drive cautiously to the hospital, where as I was thinking - hurry up! Not that I was going to deliver in the car, but I wanted to be there so I knew the baby was okay.

We dropped off Riley and got to the hospital. I went into Triage and checked with an amnio swab to see if it was my water that was broken, and it was. I was admitted to 4620 and the girls got things organized. They started me on antibiotics because we didn’t know my GBS status, and the cramping seemed to settle down. Dr. Joutsi was on call - the ironic thing is that he was on call when my water broke with Jackson. This time it was a much happier encounter. We decided to wait things out and see what happened over the next few hours. We wanted to make sure I got the antibiotic coverage I needed so we both tried to get some sleep.

In the morning I remembered that Dr. Dervaitis, my amazing OB was away this weekend. I had seen her that week and she jokingly said, now don’t go into Labor this weekend because we are away. Now, what you need to know is that she planned her vacations around my pregnancy, she wasn’t going anywhere so she could be there for us, and of course the one random weekend she decided to get away was when things started to happen. I really value her opinion and wanted to know what she would have done if she was there, so I emailed her and told her what was happening, hoping she would call and give me some much needed advice.

The night staff left and the day staff came on - I wasn’t sure who what working and in walked Cheryl. Cheryl was my nurse with Jackson and I had planned for her to be there on my induction date. I had no idea she was working that day and when I saw her there I can’t explain how happy I was. Not that I don’t trust anyone else, but with her I felt so safe, like I knew that I didn’t have to worry about a thing with her there. It meant so much to me to have her there. Leeann was also working that day, which was amazing because she was our other support person in labour. Leeann is the one who set Brian and I up on a blind date, Lee and I were bridesmaids in each other’s weddings, I was there for the birth of her son and I really wanted her to be there for the birth of our daughter. Funny how things worked themselves out - 3 of the 4 people I wanted there most were there!

We waited until the afternoon to decide if we wanted to get going with the labour. Dr. Sasha came in and talked to me about what he thought was the best idea and we decided to augment my labour and meet this baby. I was scared, I just wanted her to be okay. I knew she was going to be smaller and because she was under 36 weeks she would need to be admitted to the NICU. I asked who was working in the NICU that day it was Louise. Louise was also there for us with Jackson so it was like another bonus, I knew my baby girl was going to be in good hands.

After we decided to get going with labour, Dr. Dervaitis called from Calgary and we talked about everything. How lucky am I? Who’s OB calls them from their vacation to make sure that everything is okay. She agreed with getting the labour going and said if it wasn’t already started she would have called Dr. Sasha herself and said to get the show on the road.

I was started on Oxytocin and within an hour or so I was starting to get uncomfortable. I asked for the epidural, partly because I didn’t want to miss it and partly because I knew how bad the pain could get. I was nervous about it going in, to be honest, I was so high on Demerol and Nitrous Oxide gas last time I don’t really remember it going in…this time I was scared. I kicked Brian out of the way and was hanging on to Cheryl. As he put in the freezing I said “shit, crap, I am trying not to swear, fudge, fudge fudge”. It was pretty funny….the anesthetist said, come on you can do better than that! After just a minute it was in and working fabulously.

Once I started to make progress I dilated quickly from 4-5-8-9-Fully. We waited for an hour to start pushing to let move down lower so it would hopefully be easier. After 1hr and 2 mins of pushing she was born. She came out with her hands up by her face, where they were in all her u/s pictures and where they have been ever since. Brian cut the cord and the NICU nurses took her over to the warmer - it took her a minute to cry, but she eventually let out the faintest little wail…it was the most beautiful sound I ever heard. Tears fell down my face - as I looked over at Brian he had tears in his eyes too. It was amazing seeing Brian’s reaction to her - he was so in love with her, it just melted my heart. They weighed her and she was 5lbs 15 oz, smaller than I thought, and was 19 inches long. She got to come over to my chest and we did skin to skin - it was just perfect.

One moment I wanted to share was when Kathy the Unit Clerk came in and went over paperwork with me. She gave me Julia’s temporary health card and told me how to get her birth certificate and birth registration. Now - this was a pretty big moment for me b/c never being able to take a baby home with me I never had to do this. This was so big for me - I get to fill out paper work for birth registration. I, of course, started to cry. I was just so happy.

That was the start of a very long week. Because she was small she had to be admitted to the NICU. Over the course of the week she ended up going in and out of photo-therapy twice, being poked so many times for blood work, and needing an IV for antibiotics for a positive blood culture. It was so hard to be away from her, I actually had a bit of a breakdown. I obstetrically was fine so I should have technically been discharged from the hospital - but there was no way that I could leave the hospital again without a baby. I had to do that once and I wasn’t going to do it again. I know it was different this time, she would come home with us soon enough, but in the mean time there was no way I could go home without a baby. I am so lucky b/c everyone I work with pulled strings, pretty much every available string that could be pulled. I got to stay there with my baby, and by the last night we got to stay together in a paeds room.

Once we got the all clear that there was no infection her IV came out and we got to go home the next day. Driving out of the hospital parking lot with Julia in her car seat and Brian driving the car I started to cry. I was so happy. I never thought the day would come when we would be able to take a baby home with us. Brian cried too. It was one of those moments that I will never forget.

We were so lucky to have delivered Julia where I work. I felt surrounded by family - everyone truly cared and was genuinely concerned about how we were doing. I feel blessed to know and work with such amazing people.

So here we are - Julia is now 20 days old. No one could have prepared me for the emotional roller coaster that is having a baby. Throw on losing Jackson, her coming early and having to stay for a week in the hospital on top of that and I was a wreck! But day by day I am getting the hang of it. Breastfeeding is getting easier and it is really nice to have that time with her. My heart hurts that Jackson isn’t here to get to know his little sister, but I also know that in my heart he is her guardian angel watching over her. I am sure that parents who have had other kids wonder if they could love their second baby as much as they love their first and I was the same. I thought to myself there is no way that I could love someone else as much as I love Jackson - but I do. The love I have for this little girl is indescribable. I am so excited for all that there is to come. Her smiles, her laugh…every single moment I am just breathing it all in.

Friday, February 11, 2011

I have been busy!

Sorry I haven't posted sooner...this will be short and sweet but I wanted to just let everyone know we are home from the hospital and Julia is doing great. The breastfeeding is a bit of a challenge - but everyone tells me that is normal with a premature baby. I am actually going to see an Lactation Consultant this afternoon so hopefully things will start to get better! Here are a few pictures of her....I will post the birth experience and more pictures when I have more time!!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

She is here!!! Julia Michelle came early!

Hi everyone,

I am still at the hospital but I wanted to let you all know that the litte one decided to come early! After my last post my water broke! I was 35w5d!

She was born Jan 29th @ 10:42pm, weighing 5lbs15oz, 19inches long. Her name is Julia Michelle! She is so beautiful!!!

B/c she was early we will be at the hospital for a bit, but I will write all about it and post pictures when I get home!!

Love, Linda

Friday, January 28, 2011

Thoughts on becoming an Mom - 35w5d

With each passing day I am getting closer and closer - and it is starting to scare me! I am so excited to meet her, but there is the daunting task of teaching this little one everything. There is so much I want for her - so much I want to teach her. I want her to have manners, I want her to be thankful for what she has, I want her to be healthy and happy. I want so many things for her, things that I never really had as a child. I want a stable home, I want two parents who love each other and who stay married, I want to set a good example for her. I guess this all scares me b/c of my childhood...which I have been thinking more and more about lately.

My dad was (is!) an amazing father and pretty much did it on his own while my brother, sister and I were young. My dad is the kind of man who would (and did) go without so his kids could have what they needed. My dad worked his ass off just so we could have a stable home. He is kind, funny, supportive and so so loving. I love my dad so much - I am so excited for him to meet his granddaughter.

My biological mother left when we were pretty young. She battled with alcoholism and I am sure mental illness, but I never really saw her after the age of 12 to know for sure. I have a lot of memories that are filled with yelling and anger - mainly at the hand of my mother. There are times when I catch myself, when I am really angry about something - and I take a step back a look at myself. I never want to let my anger get control of me - like my mother did. I don't have a single baby picture b/c she burned them all - along with a lot of other things. She would lose herself in her anger and let's just say it wasn't pretty.

My mother went onto have 3 more kids with other men - all of whom where taken away by CAS and then adopted. I have had pleasure of meeting them and they are such amazing kids. It was pretty neat to see these kids, a half sister and 2 half brothers who have such similar features like my brother my sister and I.

My dad went on to marry and I have a step-mother and 2 step brothers. Growing up there was a lot going on in our household. My step-mother was ill and needed 2 kidney transplants. I actually gave her my kidney on 2007 and she has been off dialysis since. So far so good in regards to her health.

That brings me back to this little one growing in my tummy - I just want so much for her - so much that I didn't have. I guess I have to remind myself that I am not my mother, I am a different person. I also know that having the expereince we did with Jackson taught me a lot. I wasn't necessarily ready for the lessons it taught me but I learned a lot. I think I will treasure every minute, every experience, every laugh, every smile, every milestone with this little one just a bit longer b/c I know what it feels like to have it all ripped away.

Writing this out was therapeutic b/c I don't feel scared right now. I feel empowered, I don't feel the doubt I felt when I started. I can and I will do it differently. This little one is coming home to a healthy happy home, surrounded by people who love her so much. I guess like this pregnancy all I can do it stake it day by day. It will be a learning experience for all of us!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Maternity Pictures!

We had our Maternity photos done yesterday and I am so happy with them! My favourite one is where I have a ribbon wrapped around my belly with a tag on it - the one I will post on here and on facebook says "Coming Soon" but we also did one with her name on it...and we will put it up in her room!

Here is our pictures:

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

32w2d - More milestones met!

I can't exactly tell you where the last 2 - 3 weeks have gone. I was so busy with work and the holidays I didn't have a chance to get on here...but I am here now and it is time to catch up!

Well - first I made it to 2011 with a baby still growing in my belly, which is huge. And the second huge milestone is that I made to to 32 weeks. I now can deliver at my hospital, which is what I wanted all along. I am so lucky to work with such great people - I knew if something were to happen I would be in great hands. Not that I want anything to happen, but of course, after a loss you think about ALL the what-if's.

The last few days I have been noticing less movement - which after seeing my OB she reassured me that it is normal, she is still moving enough to meet the kick count requirements, but the types of movements have changed, which makes sense. As she grows and is starting to take up more spaces it feels like more wiggles and squirms as opposed to kicks and punches. I still get those every now and then, but more often I feel her shifting about in there.

Talk about time starting to fly, as of today I only have 1 month of work left, which for me is 4 sets of 4...which I think is good b/c I am getting more and more tired. I find myself enjoying afternoon naps, which I know I should enjoy now b/c when this baby comes there will be no more quiet afternoon naps, not unless she is sleeping of course.

Her room is slowly coming together - which I am so excited about. I often go in and just sit in the rocking chair and look around with a huge smile on my face. My 2 baby showers are coming up, both at the end of family & friends and one work. I am excited for them both - we never got far enough with Jackson to have a baby shower....

I won't lie, all of this - getting the nursery ready and the baby showers bring up some anxiety. Not b/c I don't want to do them, but for the obvious reason that I don't want something to happen where we lose this baby too, and we are left with all this stuff. We had a few things set up and ready for Jackson and before we went home family had taken it all out of the house.So of course, this brings back all of those emotions. But I did some digging and asked myself what I wanted....and I wanted to have her room ready, I wanted to have a baby shower. I like to be ready and organized. I think it was casuing me more stress thinking about coming home to a house that wasn't ready for a baby. And for those who really know me, know that I am an organized 'control freak', if you will - I just like to be ready. Losing Jackson taught me that life doesn't go according to your plan, and I get that. Going with the flow is more what I am doing and I feel good about it.

6 weeks and 3 days until my induction and so much to do before then. I booked a photo session for Monday - I am getting Maternity photos done and I so excited about it. When I get them back I will post some of them for you all to see.

Back to work tomorrow...