Friday, January 28, 2011

Thoughts on becoming an Mom - 35w5d

With each passing day I am getting closer and closer - and it is starting to scare me! I am so excited to meet her, but there is the daunting task of teaching this little one everything. There is so much I want for her - so much I want to teach her. I want her to have manners, I want her to be thankful for what she has, I want her to be healthy and happy. I want so many things for her, things that I never really had as a child. I want a stable home, I want two parents who love each other and who stay married, I want to set a good example for her. I guess this all scares me b/c of my childhood...which I have been thinking more and more about lately.

My dad was (is!) an amazing father and pretty much did it on his own while my brother, sister and I were young. My dad is the kind of man who would (and did) go without so his kids could have what they needed. My dad worked his ass off just so we could have a stable home. He is kind, funny, supportive and so so loving. I love my dad so much - I am so excited for him to meet his granddaughter.

My biological mother left when we were pretty young. She battled with alcoholism and I am sure mental illness, but I never really saw her after the age of 12 to know for sure. I have a lot of memories that are filled with yelling and anger - mainly at the hand of my mother. There are times when I catch myself, when I am really angry about something - and I take a step back a look at myself. I never want to let my anger get control of me - like my mother did. I don't have a single baby picture b/c she burned them all - along with a lot of other things. She would lose herself in her anger and let's just say it wasn't pretty.

My mother went onto have 3 more kids with other men - all of whom where taken away by CAS and then adopted. I have had pleasure of meeting them and they are such amazing kids. It was pretty neat to see these kids, a half sister and 2 half brothers who have such similar features like my brother my sister and I.

My dad went on to marry and I have a step-mother and 2 step brothers. Growing up there was a lot going on in our household. My step-mother was ill and needed 2 kidney transplants. I actually gave her my kidney on 2007 and she has been off dialysis since. So far so good in regards to her health.

That brings me back to this little one growing in my tummy - I just want so much for her - so much that I didn't have. I guess I have to remind myself that I am not my mother, I am a different person. I also know that having the expereince we did with Jackson taught me a lot. I wasn't necessarily ready for the lessons it taught me but I learned a lot. I think I will treasure every minute, every experience, every laugh, every smile, every milestone with this little one just a bit longer b/c I know what it feels like to have it all ripped away.

Writing this out was therapeutic b/c I don't feel scared right now. I feel empowered, I don't feel the doubt I felt when I started. I can and I will do it differently. This little one is coming home to a healthy happy home, surrounded by people who love her so much. I guess like this pregnancy all I can do it stake it day by day. It will be a learning experience for all of us!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Maternity Pictures!

We had our Maternity photos done yesterday and I am so happy with them! My favourite one is where I have a ribbon wrapped around my belly with a tag on it - the one I will post on here and on facebook says "Coming Soon" but we also did one with her name on it...and we will put it up in her room!

Here is our pictures:

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

32w2d - More milestones met!

I can't exactly tell you where the last 2 - 3 weeks have gone. I was so busy with work and the holidays I didn't have a chance to get on here...but I am here now and it is time to catch up!

Well - first I made it to 2011 with a baby still growing in my belly, which is huge. And the second huge milestone is that I made to to 32 weeks. I now can deliver at my hospital, which is what I wanted all along. I am so lucky to work with such great people - I knew if something were to happen I would be in great hands. Not that I want anything to happen, but of course, after a loss you think about ALL the what-if's.

The last few days I have been noticing less movement - which after seeing my OB she reassured me that it is normal, she is still moving enough to meet the kick count requirements, but the types of movements have changed, which makes sense. As she grows and is starting to take up more spaces it feels like more wiggles and squirms as opposed to kicks and punches. I still get those every now and then, but more often I feel her shifting about in there.

Talk about time starting to fly, as of today I only have 1 month of work left, which for me is 4 sets of 4...which I think is good b/c I am getting more and more tired. I find myself enjoying afternoon naps, which I know I should enjoy now b/c when this baby comes there will be no more quiet afternoon naps, not unless she is sleeping of course.

Her room is slowly coming together - which I am so excited about. I often go in and just sit in the rocking chair and look around with a huge smile on my face. My 2 baby showers are coming up, both at the end of family & friends and one work. I am excited for them both - we never got far enough with Jackson to have a baby shower....

I won't lie, all of this - getting the nursery ready and the baby showers bring up some anxiety. Not b/c I don't want to do them, but for the obvious reason that I don't want something to happen where we lose this baby too, and we are left with all this stuff. We had a few things set up and ready for Jackson and before we went home family had taken it all out of the house.So of course, this brings back all of those emotions. But I did some digging and asked myself what I wanted....and I wanted to have her room ready, I wanted to have a baby shower. I like to be ready and organized. I think it was casuing me more stress thinking about coming home to a house that wasn't ready for a baby. And for those who really know me, know that I am an organized 'control freak', if you will - I just like to be ready. Losing Jackson taught me that life doesn't go according to your plan, and I get that. Going with the flow is more what I am doing and I feel good about it.

6 weeks and 3 days until my induction and so much to do before then. I booked a photo session for Monday - I am getting Maternity photos done and I so excited about it. When I get them back I will post some of them for you all to see.

Back to work tomorrow...