Friday, January 28, 2011

Thoughts on becoming an Mom - 35w5d

With each passing day I am getting closer and closer - and it is starting to scare me! I am so excited to meet her, but there is the daunting task of teaching this little one everything. There is so much I want for her - so much I want to teach her. I want her to have manners, I want her to be thankful for what she has, I want her to be healthy and happy. I want so many things for her, things that I never really had as a child. I want a stable home, I want two parents who love each other and who stay married, I want to set a good example for her. I guess this all scares me b/c of my childhood...which I have been thinking more and more about lately.

My dad was (is!) an amazing father and pretty much did it on his own while my brother, sister and I were young. My dad is the kind of man who would (and did) go without so his kids could have what they needed. My dad worked his ass off just so we could have a stable home. He is kind, funny, supportive and so so loving. I love my dad so much - I am so excited for him to meet his granddaughter.

My biological mother left when we were pretty young. She battled with alcoholism and I am sure mental illness, but I never really saw her after the age of 12 to know for sure. I have a lot of memories that are filled with yelling and anger - mainly at the hand of my mother. There are times when I catch myself, when I am really angry about something - and I take a step back a look at myself. I never want to let my anger get control of me - like my mother did. I don't have a single baby picture b/c she burned them all - along with a lot of other things. She would lose herself in her anger and let's just say it wasn't pretty.

My mother went onto have 3 more kids with other men - all of whom where taken away by CAS and then adopted. I have had pleasure of meeting them and they are such amazing kids. It was pretty neat to see these kids, a half sister and 2 half brothers who have such similar features like my brother my sister and I.

My dad went on to marry and I have a step-mother and 2 step brothers. Growing up there was a lot going on in our household. My step-mother was ill and needed 2 kidney transplants. I actually gave her my kidney on 2007 and she has been off dialysis since. So far so good in regards to her health.

That brings me back to this little one growing in my tummy - I just want so much for her - so much that I didn't have. I guess I have to remind myself that I am not my mother, I am a different person. I also know that having the expereince we did with Jackson taught me a lot. I wasn't necessarily ready for the lessons it taught me but I learned a lot. I think I will treasure every minute, every experience, every laugh, every smile, every milestone with this little one just a bit longer b/c I know what it feels like to have it all ripped away.

Writing this out was therapeutic b/c I don't feel scared right now. I feel empowered, I don't feel the doubt I felt when I started. I can and I will do it differently. This little one is coming home to a healthy happy home, surrounded by people who love her so much. I guess like this pregnancy all I can do it stake it day by day. It will be a learning experience for all of us!

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