So I was booking pictures for Julia and the lady asked me how many people were going to be in the photos - I said they would mostly be of Julia but that Brian and I would do one with her. So she said, ok - a family of 3 then. She proceeded with the phone call and when I hung up I was really sad. From the outside world we are a family of 3, but in my heart we are a family of 4. As happy and as excited as I am to do Julia's pictures there is little part of me that is sad too - we never got to take Jackson for his pictures.
I guess I am worried that when we go to do things with Julia, all the things I am excited to do with her like take her to the zoo, take her on trips, play with her at the park - will there always be that little part of me that is sad?
We really do our best to incorporate Jackson into our lives without constantly talking about him to everyone. There are people who I know I can say whatever whenever, but I am smart enough to know that there are other people who aren't as comfortable with it. Hell, there are even some people, even people in my family who pretend like it didn't happen, or at least that is what I think b/c they never really talk to me about him - sorry for that tangent - it is just frustrating b/c when people have kids of their own one would hope it would help them to understand.
Back to what I was saying about including Jackson into our lives - we got our baseball Jerseys and Brian has #26 (both his birthday and Jackson's) and I have #29 for Julia's birthday. It makes me smile to think both Mommy and Daddy have the numbers of our children on our shirts. So on Friday nights it is just another time when I get to think of both of our little one and smile!