Saturday, August 6, 2011

I miss you buddy...

I haven't written on here in awhile. Partly b/c I am so busy, but at the same time I have been struggling with some stuff that I just didn't want to deal with. And if it is not in writing, then I am fine right?

Lately I have really been missing Jackson. Like really really missing him. My heart hurts just a little bit more than usual. I feel like as much as some people say they get it and say how sorry they are for our loss - their actions don't exactly point to that. I don't want to get into it b/c I don't want them to be hurt - how ironic is that. What they are doing and what has already been done has crushed me but I am worried about their feelings??

At the same time there are people who are there for me unconditionally and I know that they only have our best intentions at heart - and I should focus on that but it is hard.

For the past few nights I have been rocking Julia to sleep and I sing to her, and one of the songs I sing is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - and when I sing it I have tears running down my face b/c all I think about is Jackson. I hope that he is one of those stars shining down on us from up above...

I hate that I am back here, I hate that I am crying so much again. I hate that it is almost been 3 years since we lost him....I think I really need to start blogging again. I need this outlet to deal with these emotions b/c I don't want to cry every night. I want to remember him with a smile for all he has brought to my life that is good - not all the sadness and pain. I guess this is just the tidal wave that grief is - it comes crashing in, goes out for awhile and then comes crashing in again.

Mommy really really misses you buddy. I wish that you could be here and I could be tucking you in with your little sister. I know you know how much I love you but I just want to remind you again that I love you so so so much.

xxoo Mommy